I Just May Have Finally Lost It

Suck

my

ass,

July.



Yes I just said that.
No, it's not pleasant imagery.
But you month of July, yes you, can now sucketh it. (And if you can't tell I miss Game of Thrones because I am Queen of the North moo-hoo-ah-ah-ah).

So WHY am I so harsh on July?
Because it's been nothing but a Bethe (that's pronounced "betch" like the one Ronda Rousey put out in like 36 seconds). So I'm gonna put this Bethe July down and outta my mind because it was just plain awful.

Oh by the way everyone, what up what up what uuuuuupp??

Sorry with all of the naughty language and imagery, but that's why you haven't heard of me in nearly a month--because July might have caused my first gray hair. And, yes, I do have some hair now--and a receding hairline (LIKE WTF!?!)... But we will talk about that later.

I guess you guys are lucky because I'm sitting in bed and I'm in that crazy ass mood where I write like it's nobody's biz-NUSS but mine. See that doesn't make sense but I don't care cause I'm making crazy EFFIN' faces at the computer as I type like I'm talking to the computer because this is a run-on sentence that I just don't want to end to be absolutely ridiculous and so I can continue to make faces like I'm a crazy person.

#ImightsoundlikeIamcrazybutIamjustbeingexpressive #art

I know what you're thinking. That bitch really lost it this time.

I don't know what got into me. It was like I don't feel like writing and I got up and got a drink of water and then it was like Bam! Crazy faces at the computer as I type. #inspiration #ifKlaywalksinhemightsendmetothehospital



OK before I continue, I will tell you some wise, wise words I read on a shirt I saw on Facebook earlier. No I didn't even see this shirt in person, but LORD I need it. #someonebuyitplease

Shit has really sucked lately, hence all of this nonsense cussing/derogatory terms, so if this bothers you then "Buckle up Buttercup, you just flipped my bitch switch." <--- That's what the shirt said. #whycantIeverthinkofsomethingsoclever

Anyway, I thought the shirt was funny.

Well truth is, I don't have a brain any more so that's probably why I'm a little "off". I know what you're thinking "Well, Cass you never had a brain. You were blonde, remember?" (I heard that in one in my head as I typed as one of those mocking voices people do to make fun of each other).

Well hardy, har har.

I did have a brain before (I graduated 6th in my class--and no, there weren't only 7 people in my class or 8 or 9 or 10 so HA!). I was actually book smart. But now, I can barely get out a sentence or remember what I wanted to say, it's got me talking just a lil teeny tiny microscopic bit less. But that's a lot when it comes to Chatty Cathy over here.

So I'm going through some ch ch ch changes.

And that's true in more way than one.

I'm 'kind of' going through a little bit of menopause right now already at the ripe age of 27 because of the sweet, sweet chemo I got pre-stem cell transplant. Chemo, oh how I love thee. #letmespellitoutforyathatwassarcasm

Ok, maybe I liked chemo a little bit cause it killed all of the in my body stuff that was trying to kill me, so I could have someone else's cells put in my body and hopefully be "healthy." I mean it did give me really soft and perky hair like a little baby chick. #Icouldwinthesoftesthairaward

So yeah apparently that's a thing--menopause in my life already. And we all know that can cause things like mood swings, dried up va-jay-jays, hot flashes and irritability, amongst many other things. Ahhh I'm living the life. My husband is so lucky to have me.

Something else that happened in July--Klay was gone for over two weeks.

And no, the menopause thing didn't send him packing, if that's what you were thinking...

He had to go to California for work/training stuff. He's in the USAF Reserves so he had to do some two-week training thing up there and worked the ENTIRE time, including weekends, and never left the base (poor guy).

Then he got back the day before our 8th wedding anniversary (which was on a Monday the 27th, so he had to go back to his normal job/work) only to work another 5 days and then to go back to his normal Reserve schedule his first weekend home in Ft. Worth.

So this is his first weekend off since 1998, I mean like July 11th-ish., which means I have not been to the damn grocery store in nearly four weeks because of several varying reasons and yes, I'm starving and no I haven't felt so great.

And yes, I'm about to list all of the thing that happened this past month, just so you know how much I really hate July.

So put on your big girl/boy pants and just read it. I'll even make it bullet points so you won't ask "when is this girl gonna stop typing?" to shorten it up for you...

• Menopause at 27 #funtimes
• Receding Hair Line -- LIKE OUTTA NO WHERE. I'm just glad I don't have dark hair, but it is super soft.
• Klay's gone for like three weeks. Um, yeah. A lot of chaos scheduling people to take me to the doctor, scheduling new doctor appointments and trying to schedule people to help me to take care of the kids. 
• Sub-bullet: Because he was gone I got up with Bex every night, so I was super sleepless for the most part and weak from the no eating thing.
• I had no food and not much of an appetite so I lost weight. #score
• SUB-sub-bullet: Because I lost weight, I'm now thinking my breasts go every which way but north. I already kind of had that problem, but it's intensified. #fail
• We didn't get to celebrate our anniversary because this is Klay's first weekend free and everyone we know is either at the lake, vacationing, swimming, going to the Circus, Zoo etc, etc. I can't do any of those things cause those can all lead to infections for me so, yay with the summer fun! #notreallybecausesummersucks #especiallyinTexas
• My G-Ma was in the hospital. It was nothing serious and she's fine. But I was a hot mess because of it.
• I had a scheduled day to get my trifusion taken out (the thing in my chest with three tubes that hang out of my chest like I'm growing extra tiny limbs), only to have it canceled. But it did get pulled out last week on a whim because it wasn't working properly. #yes! But I was drugless. #whatashame
• The reason my trifusion removal was canceled was because I broke out in a rash for two weeks (thanks to some oral chemo pills I was on--just for maintenance--we're trying to keep this sexy ass body healthy HA!) that was all over my face, head, chest, and... well... yeah let's just move on to the next bullet.
• Not-So-Fun Fact: When you have really harsh chemo and a stem cell transplant your body grows new everything. New hair (ahem--everywhere-ahem), new skin, new taste buds and oddly enough new nails. Oh what you don't think that's weird? Well by growing these "new nails," my old nails are sitting on top of my of my new nails making it so I can't cut them, and it looks like I have two nails. It's really weird and they get caught on clothes and things because I can't cut them because it will tear into that pink part of the nail, which would hurt like a Bethe. So I haven't done much laundry cause I'm knicking all of my clothes. #ohIhaveplentyofexcusesfornotdoinglaundry
• I can't drive. WHY? Cause I can't see. SO getting on the computer is kind of a pain cause I just get a headache... (part of the reason for my lack of online activity). When I drove a few weeks back, I really couldn't see the signs that well. It was pretty scary. I thought I might have to get someone to drive me home or pick me up or something. But I made it home myself. Now I just need to make an eye doc appointment. #blurryvision Thanks, chemo.
• I have had another breathing treatment and boy did that BLOW. Hahahaha you get it? It really did though. It was terrible. It tasted so bad I thought I was gonna hurl and this is coming from a girl who... yeah I'm going to stop that sentence and just keep you guessing... And then it had this crazy effect on me where I was super jittery for the rest of the day and I was shaking and nauseated and it was just a crappy rest of the day. #breathingtreatmentsblowbigtoes
• I had to make some other doctor appointments to see other experts about my body and all of the things all of this cancer treatment stuff does to you. SO now, I'm booking MORE doctor appointments with different doctors and I still have to go to the oncologist every week. 
• It's effin' hot out here in this Texas July weather and it's only progressively gotten worst since August hit. I go outside for five seconds and I feel like I'm going to fry. Not only because I have super sensitive skin post transplant, but also because it feels like you walked in to a mythological Giant's big schweatty balls. Needless to say it's hot... And now have to start wearing hats cause my scalp burns if I'm in the sun for more than a minute. #myheadfeelslikefire

So this list could really be a list for "27 Ways to Get Your Husband to Find You Unattractive." 

I mean the menopause, the weight-loss, the receding hairline, the blurry vision, the having-to-rely-on- you-for-everything wife, who can't get a tan and might melt if you take her outside...

I mean we seriously need to do a slow clap for Klay here.

Poor guy... that "sickness and in health" thing really did him in.

HA, I'm kidding.
Sorry about that babe. Stop rolling your eyes!

But really though.

I'm already a dried up, pale, can't-see-for-shit ole lady, who can't go anywhere (literally) and whose  only action this past month was with a breathing machine.

Another joke...

But seriously July did suck.

I'm just glad my husband is back so he can make me laugh at all the shitty things we have to go through right now--and so he can cook me dinner.

Lucky to be in love with the guy above,



PS. Finally got a day away. More on that later...

Getting Wiggy With It + Vlog/Video

Follow my blog with Bloglovin It was hard to lose my hair. Very hard.

I think most people who go through chemo (or maybe more women) wait for the hair to begin to fall out before shaving it. I know some brave folks shave before it falls out and I applaud them for that, because it was something I could not do.

I still had hope buried deep inside that I might just be that one person who actually keeps their hair. My other fear was if I shaved it before it started to fall out it was going to make all of this cancer  stuff more of a reality. The truth was going to slap me and my family in the face. This is really happening; I really have cancer.

There would be no denying it when my bald head became exposed to the world.

I remember waking up the morning it started falling out and finding long strands on my pillow and freaking out. I thought it would take longer for my hair to fall out; it seemed like I had just started my first round of chemo.

I immediately called my sister.

"Britney, my hair is falling out. It's so bad," I cried. 

"Can you brush it to see how bad it is?" she asked.

I obliged and then looked that the hair-filled brush and started crying uncontrollably. 

"It's all coming out...there's so much, there's so much," I sobbed while I texted her a photo.

"I'm on my way," she said. 

This was something I couldn't handle well with anyone else besides my sister. I was still in the hospital so she had to come to me. I think because she has hair and is a woman she totally can empathize with losing my hair. She'd know what to do.

Once she finally got there, she looked at it and said, "I think we should cut it short first to make it easier for you to lose it. And if it continues to fall out this bad tomorrow, then we will shave it, but that way we aren't jumping to extremes.

So we did. We called a nearby hairdresser friend and we cut my hair short. Cameo, the hairdresser-friend, found bald spots on my head that I didn't even know I had, but she covered them up easily with the rest of the hair I had left.

We had a little photo session that night because we knew this was going to be the last time in long time that I'd have hair.

The next day I woke up and strands of now shorter blond hair were covering my clothes. It was raining hair and it was getting annoying. I knew that even though my short 'do' was "short-lived" I had to do it. I had to do it. I had to shave it all off.

But what would Brody say? What would he think? I knew it was very important for him to be there to watch Klay shave my head. Chad, my bro-in-law, shaved Klay's first and then Klay shaved mine.

It was an emotional experience. I tried not to cry. And I didn't. I don't think. I tried to be strong, because if I burst into tears, everyone else would.

Fortunately, it was winter so I had a lot of good hat options to keep my head covered until I was ready to let the world see what I really look like and going through.

It took me a while to want to just go anywhere bald and not care. For a while, I didn't even like the nurses to see. And they're oncology nurses so they are used to having bald patients.

I'll never forget when I walked in my first store with no hat on. I was shopping with my friend Lauren, and it had gotten a little warm for March so I took the hat off. It was too hot to be wearing a winter hat and I just kept it off... And to my surprise it was freeing for me and I was proud of myself.

Of course I get strange looks and stares and hear children whisper, "what's wrong with her? why doesn't she have hair?" And I just ignore them.

I don't look much at people when I'm shopping anymore cause I don't care what they are wearing or how they are dressed so I focus on the shopping part. And I get to ignore the stares that way.

But with the warmer Texas weather, and a few important events to attend in the future, I needed to purchase a wig.

So a couple of great friends, who are more like family, went for a brunch date, popsicle stop and wig shopping with this wig virgin.

It's a weird thing seeing hair on your head again after having no hair for seven months. I'm used to this version of me now--the no hair, no makeup Cass. I don't know if I want to fake it and wear a wig so I don't stand out. But I wanted to at least try some on. Plus I know my hair is going to through some of those funky stages (grow in funny or have bald spots) where I'll have to wear a hat or something to not look completely ridiculous.

So we started trying on wigs...

I honestly didn't know how I was going to feel about the wig-thing. I didn't know if I'd love them or hate them. I thought for sure I'd have fun trying some on and I did. But I didn't think there would be emotions involved. Not just for me but for those who came with me. But there were. I'm just glad I had some wonderful ladies there to support me and make the experience fun!

I know that's a good still-frame in the video below. #dontbejelly

Watch the video and then read the rest...

Klay does look good in that wig though! He looks like Sunshine from "Remember the Titans" lol. What a stud.

And that brown wig I got for free from a cancer resource center. Pretty cool!

Anyway, you guys remind me to keep my head up and keep moving forward. All of your comments, kind words, and just you letting me know that "you're thinking of me" really means a lot!

Thanks for all the support! Love y'all!

And sorry about the ugly-cry face. At least I'm not as bad as Kim K... just saying.

On Pause

I have so many "draft" posts saved in on my blog, it's ridic (p.s. some dictionary folks added that to the dictionary this week, now that's really ridic).

But honestly because I don't feel like computing (LOL) one day so I'll just think "I'll do it later," and the posts just add up.

OR  something else happens medically or to us in our household and I feel like I can never get my head above water to finish a full post for you guys.

Right now, emotionally I feel like I need some purpose--a hobby or a job. I know I can't get a job right now, but I need something to do. Everyone tells me "you need to write a book" and I'm like "about what?"

I just feel useless.

I have no talents--besides birthing cute children--and I know people read this blog, but I need to put time in it and I don't even know where to begin? How do I talk about all that's happened? And what's my angle? I'm sure there are plenty of "cancer books" out there that are probably great reads. But what makes mine different? What makes me and my story so unique?

I'm just struggling with that right now. What to do with my "life"--or right now my "cancer life"--cause it's totally different from normal life.

Will I ever get to a normal life again?

Although this blog gets a lot of attention, I wonder "is because of my sad, cancer story or is it because  I know how to write and they would read cancer or not."

It's hard when I wonder about my future--those "how is it going to end" moments. I need to live and fight for today but it's hard. I have my anxieties and everyone else's on my shoulders about all of this.

Every week is a constant "who is going to help Cass with the kids this week?" Mostly, Actually, ALWAYS it's my mom who stays with me and helps with the kids, but she needs a break.

And then when Klay goes to the Reserves one weekend a month that makes things even harder. Mom's watched the kids at my house with me all week and now she has to help out on the weekends. My sister came and stayed with me one day, all day, but she has kids too and a family she needs to take care of (and my nieces have been sick one week after the next).

The "who's doing what?" game is exhausting. "Who's taking Cass to the hospital? Who's watching the boys? Who's gonna stop and get more formula, more groceries?"

It stresses me out.

So beyond having my head wrapped around when and where and how I'm going to get to my appointments and who's watching the kids... I'm trying to figure out something to do for me.

Because all day, every day in this "cancer-life" I'm wondering about the future. I want to live a life beyond the "C" word. I'm tired of hearing about it and dealing with it.

And it hasn't even been a year yet.

I feel like my life is stagnant--never moving forward.

Sure people tell you, "you will beat this" all the time, but I just don't believe it when they say it. Why? I don't know. I want to. I just kind of look away at the ground and feel awkward. I guess the reason is because no one knows what's going to happen to me. But I have to just believe I will get better.

If I live everyday in fear of what could happen, I'm not really living.

I know this I have two beautiful boys and one handsome husband. And I love them so much.

But all I do is stay cooped up in the house with the kids, of course, and worry. The only time I get out of the house is to go to the doctor. Not exactly living the "good" life.

Ugh.

My life is on pause.
What about having a career?
Or doing something for myself?
I know I have to get better before I can ever think about doing something for me.

Maybe I should get back on my zoloft since I missed a few this weeks cause this post is bumming me out. #oops #depressionmeds

The good thing is, nothing has changed medically. I mean there were a few weeks where I fainted, and I was dizzy a lot and running into walls... I knew the walls were there but I was kind of like "get out of my way, wall" and it didn't move. I was some medicine that was really too much for my system and that's what they think contributed to that. It was pretty scary. I was very unbalanced, couldn't walk a straight line to save my life--not that I could even do that on a good day. My legs, though, they hate me for all of the bumps and falling and whatnot. #bruiseserrywhere

But other than that, I am 100% donor and there are no leukemia blasts in my system, which would mean the transplant is working and I'm cancer free (things could always change).

I'm just hoping it stays that way. I want to get better and be able to do things with my kids (outside of the house). I'm just living a life of fear. I'm scared if I eat the wrong thing, I'll get sick. If I'm around a sick person, I'll get sick. If I go to the store or touch anything in a store, I'll get sick. I don't want to feel like that any more. I just want to live.

One positive note--Orange is the New Black is already on Netflix. I'll binge watch that in two days and then be bored again. LOL.

Today, I'm at the hospital supposed to see the doctor. I found out I have to do these hour-long breathing treatments once a month for a year. And it tastes like shit. FML.

Here's a sneak peek at my next blog--wig shopping or robbing a bank?

Cheers to wearing a small condom on your head,