Health, Hospital & Hell

To say 2015 wouldn't allow me to end the year on a good note is the understatement of the century.

As much as I want to blog everyday, something in my life pops up and ruins this writer's plans.

Just a few weeks (now months) back I was back in the hospital for three days with a virus in Nov... #onemorehospitalstayforthebooks

Then post-Christmas, on the 27th, I was admitted again for GI issues.
This hit me like a ton of bricks, ya'll, and I'm still currently having issues--two months later.

Needless to say November and December were insane months for us and January decided to follow suit.

I've literally been in the hospital this entire time I've been not blogging. I've had maybe 10 days or so since December 27 that I've been home; it's February 2.

It all started when we had to cancel Bex's first birthday because of my sinus surgery and then Thanksgiving came--a joyous time of year where we are supposed to give thanks and list all we are thankful for--unfortunately, that wasn't the case this year.

We had family members have strokes, my grandpa had a triple bypass surgery, I got sick, Bex had hand foot and mouth again, then Brody got sick, and even Klay managed to get a bout of what was going around the "White House" this time. It was terrible.

Between the family illnesses and deaths, every time I've wanted to write some other issue would already add to our fully-loaded plate.

It's honestly just been really really tough.

I'm doing as much as I can to try to stay healthy, but I can't help but notice all of the people around me are falling apart too.

I was actually the last one to get sick and had been rather healthy early December. My energy level was the best it had been since my diagnosis and I was hopeful I was on the mend.

And then WHAM! Like a Holly Holm KO kick to the head, all of my excitement about the holidays flew out of my mind and was replaced with worry and fear.

Sickness. Family illness. Deaths. All of them during the holidays this year.

I'm knocked back down again emotionally and physically as I sit here in a hospital bed typing away about how bad 2015 was for us.

And it so far looks like 2016 isn't off to the greatest start, but I'm determined it will be better than 2015! This is going to be a good year. It has to be. We so desperately need it to be.

It's been more than three weeks and people aren't really sure why I'm having GI problems. I have ulcers in my stomach, but tested negative for CDIFF. It was absolutely terrible.

We do know I have an inflamed colon, but we don't know what is causing it so we can treat it.

This lengthy hospitalization was not planned and it's been a struggle to find people to help out. I feel like I'm such a burden when I ask people to do stuff for me. And I know people say I'm not, it's just everyone has their own lives to tend to and don't need the complications of my life sitting on their doorstep with the little bubble that says "help me" next to it.

And this was my first hospital stay from Dec. 27-Jan.14.

Then, I was admitted again less than a week later and finally went home on the Jan. 30th. This time I tested positive for CDIFF, and I fell at the hospital fracturing my sacrum (buttbone, which was already fractured by the way).

Then to top all that off--I started to swell like a balloon and we learned there was a blood clot in my neck connected with my power port or central line, so I had to have surgery to have that removed (the port). Now, I'm on blood thinners, but I still have a lot of fluid in my face.

I mean it was so bad that I didn't even recognize myself.

I just feel bad for everyone around me. Everyone whose life this impacts everyday that's not mine.

I hate that I'm away from the boys. It kills me not to see them everyday.

I honestly feel like the last three months were just a blur. I don't know what to say when people ask how I feel, I'm tired of talking. I feel terrible. I look terrible.

It's made us have to shuffle the boys around, which we hate. I just want to go back to a normal routine again. My mom and Klay have been amazing. I literally don't know what I would do without them. Their lives are the most affected by my illness (along with the kids, of course). If Klay's with me, mom's watching the boys, and if mom is with me, Klay's with the boys. Mom is at my house every day taking care of me and three kids (Swayze, too) and she's done a hell of a job keeping it together. I honestly feel so much more at ease when she is around. There is nothing like being taken care of by your mama. NOTHING. I love you, mom.

Plus, Klay's working and trying to balance this crazy life we're living right now. He's trying to grocery shop, cook dinner, play with the kids, bathe the kids, get them to bed, and work and go to the Reserves and work there. Plus, visit me and stay with me at the hospital, driving back and forth from Dallas to our house everyday. There is just so much he's doing. I feel terrible for him. I just wish I could do something to make everyone's lives a little easier.

I love him so much. And he's been through this all with me (skinny, fat, bald, rashes, broken tailbones, dealing with me shitting myself, bathing me, helping me get dressed--you name it, he's done it.)

Then the poor guy dropped a cage on his foot at work and had to go to the ER last week. It was only a bone bruise, but it just seems like none of us can catch a break.

Right now I'm at the doctor. Yes, I'm out of the hospital, but I'm still swollen, having GI problems, my stomach is killing me, and I'm wearing Depends, which should tell you a lot about how "well" I am right now.

This is my life right now.

I'm 28 and married with two beautiful boys who I don't get to see because of my "recovery" from my stem cell transplant. I'm wearing Depends--so yes, I'm pooping on myself--I'm skinny, my skin is disgustingly dry, my face is blown up because of a damn blood clot in my neck. Oh, and it hurts any time I move my bum because I had to fall and break something while I already feel like shit. I'm going through menopause and I can't have any more kids. My life is quite possibly at the lowest point it's ever been--physically, emotionally, etc. I'm just trying to shake things off, but it's so hard because I keep getting bad news all the time.

I just don't even want to answer questions about anything. I don't want to engage with anyone right now. I know I don't need to shut people out at a time like this. All of these health problems have turned my life and those I love most [their lives] upside down.

Having these GI problems for two months with no resolve is frustrating.

Every day I've been sick with diarrhea, blood in my stool, going to the bathroom every few minutes...

I'm weak, I'm losing weight. I lost eight pounds since December. I'm in the 125s with clothes on. All my clothes are 4x too big for me. I need to get rid of the old and buy some new clothes asap, but don't feel like it cause I'm sick and weak.

I'm way too skinny. It's scary. Though it may not look like it in these photos I'm going to show you. They are gross, but I want people to know what this is like for me and what I've had to experience.

My face is still swollen and swells up really bad in the morning. My right eye is constantly blurry because of the fluid. Hopefully these blood thinners I'm on will help the swelling go down soon. I'm not as big as the last photo. My whole body was full of fluid then.

The only upside to swelling up like a balloon last week was that my jugs were pretty huge for a week. It was like size B to F in 24 hours. Holy Moly they were the biggest they've ever been. It was honestly insane.

But feeling this way about yourself isn't healthy.

I look in the mirror and look at my butt, that's really just skin now. There is no fat to it whatsoever. It's gross. I need my Kim K. curves back with a lot of junk from her trunk while I'm at it.

I was actually happier with my body when I was bigger (pre-AML). At least then I had something to grab. Now, its just skin. There is nothing there and it's pretty depressing.

There is probably a lot of stuff I've left out that's happened since I last wrote, but my brain just isn't all here today or ever, any more.

I just want to apologize to everyone for my lack of posting. We've literally had something happen to us everyday (or just me being sick and tired). And sometimes it's too hard to think about. I just can't even wrap my mind around all of this sometimes. It's a lot to take in.

I know I'm a bucket full of mixed emotions. I literally don't even know what to think or how to feel any more. I just know that I do want to do this--share with you guys. Sharing and knowing that people out there care and want to help does make me feel better.

My goal this year is to grow this blog. I'm working on getting it redesigned and some new things up and going, so I'm hoping that this will help me feel like I'm doing something with my life. I need something to do besides doctor appointments, hospital stays and feeling like poo all the time.

Please continue to pray for us during this very, very difficult time. We need all the prayers we can get!

Also, let's toast (& pray) for a great 2016!

Another Hospitalization for 2015

I haven't written this month, like I promised I would--and I'm sorry about that.

Honestly this month, it's been one thing after another.

Remember how I told you that I would have these days where I'd stand or walk and then I'd see all black?

Well that's what started happening again Halloween weekend. I honestly wore myself out from Halloween--and the stress of getting the kids' costumes ready--so much so, that the next day I was too sore and weak to get out of bed.

All of these fatigue and vision problems fell right before this random Monday where I had to watch the kids alone. Perfect timing, right?

 I was really scared to keep the boys all alone all day with how I felt.

That day, I'd stand up to get something for the kids and I would black out and desperately reach out for the nearest sturdy object so I wouldn't pass out or fall.

Besides the vision issues, I couldn't walk a straight line to save my life. My balance was completely off that when I would try to walk one direction, my body would go in another.

Now these things have happened off and on for a while. But this particular symptom--didn't happen until Monday, Nov. 2--the day I was alone with kids. I starting hearing my heartbeat in my ears.

I spoke to the doctor's office and they said come in immediately, or if it kept happening I'd need to call 911. The problem was I had the kids.

Klay was nearly two hours away working. And all my immediate caregivers happened to be tied up (vacations, picking up kids from school, etc).

Klay made it home about 4 p.m. and we needed to get to the hospital and fast. We arrived at my doctor's office who were waiting for me, because my doctor wanted to check on me personally.

They thought I was having some vertigo issues (where you sit and your BP is fine and then you stand and it drops) making the room spin or get dizzy, which I did have some of.

I'd already had CT scan of both my brain and sinuses the week prior, but they definitely wanted me to stay to do some more testing.

So I was in the hospital the first week of November, and the MRI revealed that my sinuses were terribly blocked and full.

Apparently there was a lot of gunk stuck up there that needed to be sucked out. And if you're grossed out by that sentence, at least you didn't have to have the sinus surgery to remove it. Yes, I said sinus surgery.

I was in pretty bad pain after the surgery. I was hurting so bad and they couldn't keep me comfortable. I had a bitch  rude recovery nurse, who would just ignore me when I spoke or tried to ask questions. I was in recovery for nearly two hours, and I was not happy about it.

Then, they moved my bed out by the nurses' station and I was trying to wave or get my nurse's attention--who was apparently done with me--and then a nurse saw I was about to yak and she handed me a nice blue barf bag. I'd swallowed a lot of blood because of the type of surgery, so you can imagine what was in the bag. Scariest thing ever. Am I dying over here? Scary movie-type shit. 

With me every moment...

Laughable Hospital Moments

That Familiar Place...

When I was first admitted, I was wheeled up to the floor I was going to live, I mean stay in, for however long. It was an oncology floor, of course, so I expected to know a lot of the nurses.

All of the nurses were waving to me as I get wheeled to my room seemingly happy to see me. I waved back as I'm pushed in the wheelchair to my room like a pageant girl in a parade--unknowingly of where I was going. I was focusing on the attention clearly.

Then I hear the nurses holler "aww, you get your old room back!" Yes, the one I stayed in for more than a month.

OMG, I never wanted to see that room again. I'd done my time in that prison. But that's just my luck.

Noticing Things I Should Have Noticed Before

After having stayed in the room for 30+ days in April and staring at the walls of the room for hours on-end, you'd think I would have noticed "it" before. The portrait was there, I remembered starting at it; this I know.

I bet I looked that painting more than a million times, yet I never seemed to notice the penis rock on the left-side of it.

Yeah it's that big rock that looks like a penis. I'm determined the artist did that purposefully or maybe this place really exists. If so, I'm visiting!

I self-titled this portrait, "This Penis Rocks."

My revelation was a hit with the nurses.

When I Thought I Saw...

I was wheeled down to get a MRI, when I see the MRI Tech guy. I'm asking myself 'who does this guy look like?' He was adorable. I finally realized he looked exactly like Morgan (Lenny James) from "The Walking Dead."

I arrived back at my room and squealed to Klay with excitement "guess who I just saw?"

He replied, "Who?"

"Lenny James!" I hollered.

"WHO?" Klay said to me with an I've-never-heard-that-name-in-my-life look.

"Morgan!"

He stared at me.

"Morgan from 'The Walking Dead'. You know that show we watch every Sunday and yesterday's episode was all about him?"

"Ohhhh. That's cool. He's here?"

"No it was a guy that looked exactly like him though."

END SCENE

I guess it's the littlest things that excite you in a hospital.

==

I spent a total of five days in the hospital, but my readers weren't far from my mind.

Y'all, I have eight posts written and saved in my drafts folder that aren't finished yet or need some major editing.

It doesn't help that I need glasses and I'm on drugs--pharmaceutical ones--so literally I've fallen asleep typing--totally face to key board.

I'm trying to get posts out as often as I can without looking like a complete fool, which means I won't publish it unless I think someone else may want to read it.

Since my brain is so clogged up, please feel free to message me or comment and let me know I missed a word, wrote it twice, etc. I need you little editors to help me out there! #writerswithcancerstruggles

Let's just pray that I get through these holiday months with no more hospital stays!

How To Pick Out A Last-Minute DIY Halloween Costume

I've never been to a halloween costume party--like never.

October is always a busy time of the year since it kicks off three of the biggest fall holidays of the year, and it's my birthday month.

With everything that's happened since my Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML) diagnosis I figured I throw my very own halloween costume party.

If you've ever seen our parties we throw for wedding showers, baby showers, or our kids birthday parties, we have a tendency to go overboard. We don't really like to buy store bought decorations, because we want everything to look different and be unique. And that goes for our costumes as well. We usually make our own costumes.

Last-Minute DIY Costume

So, I started googling and thinking of DIY costume ideas for couples weeks before the party. I wanted to be something "kind of pretty" because I never feel pretty any more. Even though I wanted to be a "pretty"halloween costume, I wasn't going for a "Mean Girls" type costume where I where lingerie, put on mouse ears, so I can look like a slut muffin.

via GIPHY

Gretchen: "What are you supposed to be?"

Karen: "I'm a mouse, duh!"

via GIPHY

Not that there is anything wrong with a "sexy halloween costume," it's just that's not me, especially when my legs like frail, pale and I have no ass or boobs any more.

OK, so back to Halloween costume decisions. I went to Spirit Halloween Store to try to get some ideas, but didn't get much. I even checked out Party City, but now we knew what was out there in case we needed to purchase something for one of our costumes.

Couple Costume or DIY Single Costume? 

AHH, decisions, decisions. Originally I wanted to go with a couple's costume, but it needed to be something new, fresh and something I could make myself. I've seen the soap and the loofa sponge, salt and pepper, etc. I wanted a unique halloween costume that would be easy to make.

I wasn't too sure how much Klay would want to dress up. I figured he wouldn't want to make up and anything too difficult. So for him, I was thinking about easy, creative and simple halloween costumes.

By this point I'd been looking for weeks. I had one idea that really stood out for me that I wanted to do, but he didn't seem like he wanted to participate, so I said "I'll just do it myself."

But now we are down to the week of my party. It's Wednesday (the party is Saturday) and we are still clueless on which costume idea we wanted to go with and if we were doing something separate or as a couple.

My blood pressure was rising because it's my party and I haven't started making a costume for it. All I wanted Klay to do is decide if he wanted to do a couple's costume or create something funny and just go as something separate. But still no decision.

Last EFFIN' Minute DIY Costume Idea

It's now Thursday and I'd purchased some items to create a costume by myself. Klay on the other hand bought a Game of Thrones Jon Snow costume with a wig and it looked hilarious. The only thing was Jon doesn't have a girlfriend or anything we could do as a pair and people probably wouldn't know who we are. Klay looked hilarious in the Game of Thrones costume so I didn't think it would matter; people would just laugh at him anyway.

Once Klay put the costume on for my mom, she cracked up and told me I need to be something that goes along with his character. Mind you, it's Thursday night--the party is Saturday--and I still haven't started on my costume. Finally it hit me. Jon Snow has a wolf that protects him, named Ghost. He's all white, so I said I could be Ghost!

Making the Costume

The next day (Friday), mom went searching for all things white and furry.

This is what the costume consisted of:

• silver leggings
• furry booties from Party City
• a furry vest from Cato's
• the furry ears I got were from Party City, they actually had plaid on the other side so I used the back as the front
• a furry white and black pillowcase and cut the other side that was sewn and I slid it on as a skirt (from Hobby Lobby).
• fuzzy white socks we already had that I cute to go over my hands.
• furry hat that we made into a tail
• teeth purchased Party City
• Plus a white cape from Target and a few other things we didn't use
• Klay purchased his cloak and "Game of Throne" wig from Spirit Halloween

Here are some photos of us figuring out what looks best (sorry for the blurry one. And doesn't it look like Klay was enjoying putting my costume on a little too much?:

Here's the finished look:

Klay just wore a black t-shirt he had already and black pants w/ flipflops underneath his cape.

ADD IN THE AWESOME WOLF MAKE UP MY MOM AND SISTER DID & WE LOOK PRETTY GOOD FOR OUR FIRST DIY HALLOWEEN COSTUME!

How To Think Of Clever And Simple Ideas For Last-Minute Costumes

The way I see it; the best ideas for halloween costumes come from the things you love. 

Think about things you love to do, you love to watch, commercials that catch your attention, something big that happened in the news/pop culture this year or puns you hear people say.

The World's Easiest Costume Could Come From A Clever Saying Or A Common Pun: 

Example: We've all heard someone say "when life gives you lemons..." But how can that be a costume? Get a plain t-shirt write the word "LIFE" on it or get one of those stickers that says "Hello My Name is: LIFE"  and walk around the party giving people lemons--you're surely guaranteed to have the most unique halloween costume there and the cheapest.

TV Shows, Movies and Commercials You Love: 

Klay and I love "Sons of Anarchy," "Breaking Bad," and "Game of Thrones." Originally we thought about being Jesse and Walt from "Breaking Bad" and wear yellow hazmat suits or Klay could be "Heisenberg" and I could be crystal meth by making a shiny blue costume. It probably would of been a quick costume, but I wanted to be "pretty-ish".

Be Something You Love To Do: 

If you love to golf, your DIY halloween costume could be a golf ball. But you're not going alone? Make the costume for a couple by having the other person dress up as a hole in one. Make it homemade by creating a number one from a cardboard box or poster board and cutting a hole in it. Your costume would  definitely be creative and easy to do yourself.

Think Simple To Get The Clever Costume Ideas:

You could be a squirrel and his nuts or Taco Bell (one person be a taco and the other be Belle from "Beauty and the Beast.") Too tough? Or don't have time? Be a bread winner. Place bread around your neck like a necklace and purchase a blue ribbon that says 1st Place. Be a spice rack. Put a bra outside of your shirt and put cooking spices in it.

Use A Commercial You Love For A Unique Costume Ideas:

Two more DIY Couple Costume Ideas could come from a TV commercial that gets your attention. I've heard many men mention "the hot model" and her talking horse from Direct TV's or make your man The Most Interesting Man in the World and you could be a a DOS XX's. Of course you could be Flo from Progressive or Jake from State Farm! Make sure to wear khakis!

Creative Pop Culture Costumes Ideas:

Tom Brady and a deflated football (I'd get an old football deflated it and some how where it as a hat...) or Tom Brady and his broken cell phone. Not a football fan? Try Hillary Clinton and her classified emails, or Caitlynn Jenner and Bruce Jenner (they actually have costumes for these at Spirit Halloween, but you could definitely DIY.

So do you have any halloween costume parties to go to this year? If so, what are you going to be?

Wishing everyone less stress when choosing a DIY halloween costume!