Pregnant with Cancer

I never thought these words would ever come out of my mouth.

I have leukemia.

That's a hard thing to truly say and know that it's not a dream, or a lie, or a bad joke. It's true. It's real. It's hard.

On top of that, I found out about my diagnosis while 29 weeks pregnant with my second child--a little boy--named Beckham Laine.

These past 12 days have been crazy and full of ups and downs. There were days I cried for a while. Times I had huge breakdowns in tears. Many things racing through my head...

"Why me?"
"Is this real? This has to be a nightmare."
"I want to wake up."
"I feel like I knew this was coming."
"Why does it have to be both? Why can't I just have cancer and why did it have to be while I was pregnant?"
"I'm scared."
"I have to be here for my kids. I have to be here for Klay."
"I can't leave them."
"I want to go home."
"I want to go home."
"I want to go home."

--

It all started off while I was pregnant and showing signs of severe anemia. When my blood work came back worse at 28 weeks than when I was 24 weeks gestation, that alarmed my OBGYN, who is incredible by the way...

The day I found out (it was the day of my baby shower--Nov. 9) my blood work was worse than before with no explanation as to why (because I had been taking iron). So my OB said go see a hematologist the next day.

I did. And the hematologist seemed to think that it was the blood pressure med I was on. I had stopped taking it that weekend due to the alarming call from my doctor, but it hadn't been long enough to be able to tell what was causing this. So I was ordered to take steroids and come back in a week.

That was on Monday, Nov. 10. On Wednesday, I started having some severe pain in my lower back. It felt like back spasms and would come in waves and be very uncomfortable. I hadn't done anything all day but relax. My mom had even come over and cooked and watched Brody, so I literally napped and just watched TV.

Eventually the pain became a constant dull ache (which was a lot less painful) and I was able to get some sleep.

The next day I decided to call my OB and tell her what was going on. They wanted me to come in and make sure everything was OK. After a sonogram and monitoring everything appeared to be fine. But they wanted me to stay overnight.

I just thought it was to be precautionary, but after my doctor came up to talk to me about the possibilities of what this could be, it became unreal.

My blood work had shown some immature cell blasts, which is most likely cancer at least I think that's what they said, and so I had to do a bone marrow biopsy the next day.

There were three possibilities:

1) It could be the blood pressure med I was on
2) It could be toxemia or the HELP syndrome, though I wasn't showing any signs of that
3) It could be leukemia

Not exactly something you want to hear.

I think I knew deep down, it was going to be the latter. But through the night I kept telling Klay that it had to be the BP med. It just didn't make sense and honestly it didn't make sense to any of my doctors either. They seemed baffled.

Monday, just three days earlier, there was no signs of leukemia and Thursday there were these immature cell blasts? It just seemed so sudden.

But no one was worried about the back pain. It wasn't premature labor and it was never brought up again.

Then Friday, they came in and said, "It's AML. Acute Myeloid Leukemia."

A wave of questions about the future and our options were being tossed our way.

Now, what to do with baby?

My team of doctors researched, discussed and talked about options.

Was Chemo with baby a safe, viable option?

I'm a rare case. It's more common to get breast cancer and be pregnant, but leukemia was whole-other-ballgame.

Then came the longest weekend from hell.

Decisions were changing constantly and we were still waiting on bone marrow results. Nothing was going to happen til Monday, Nov. 17.

Monday, the doctors decided they would wait because my blood levels were still pretty stable, but not five minutes later, they changed their minds and opted for an induction to get Beckham out, so I could get treatment ASAP.

Then the decision arose about if an epidural was an option.

Pretty much only one person was comfortable putting it in. But before that became an option, I was told no epidural. And I was OK with that. I had an epidural with Brody, so I was very PRO-epidural gal. But once it was being talked about being a possibility, I instantly got nervous and my gut was telling me to reject that idea.

The chances that something could go wrong and a red blood cell could be sent up my spine and into my brain spreading this cancer, was slim according to people, but it seemed to me to be too much of a selfish risk to take. Yes, it'd be nice to have one, but I didn't feel right about it. I needed to do this on my own. I've already got so much at stake here.

Monday around 5 p.m., I was wheeled down to Labor and Delivery in tears. This just all seemed to be unreal. As much as I wanted my little guy here and this part of this journey over with, I had just finished a NICU tour the day prior and that was tough. Seeing these tiny babies with all of these machines hooked up for whatever circumstance led them to be born before their little bodies were ready was sad and unfair. And that was going to be my little guy in there next. I know that babies are born premature all the time, but seeing it in person and not just in photos seemed to really make me realize every moment Beckham was in my tummy was precious and crucial time for him to grow and have an easier first few months of life.

Luckily on Thursday and Friday, when we found out I had cancer, I was given my doses of steroids to help the baby's lungs progress faster while he was still in the womb.

Anyway, back to Nov. 17.... they started cytotec and placed those in my cervix to soften it and get the process started. With the first one, I started contracting. By the early morning, they started pitocin. That's when the fun starts. I was having stronger contractions, but I didn't feel like it was too bad. This continued for the next several hours and by Tuesday at around 5 pm or so, I was only dilated to a 2 and long. If you don't know what that means, look it up. But basically the softer your cervix is the better and quicker you dilate.

So my doc decided to stop the induction, send me back upstairs to get some rest. Then we could start again on Thursday.

I had labored for over 24 hours. It wasn't extremely painful... felt mostly like bad menstrual cramps. But my contractions continued over the next day or so even though I was off pitocin. They just weren't happening regular.

Wednesday I took the day off and relaxed. When I got back to my room, I instantly relaxed.

Don't get me wrong, I was disappointed he didn't come that first day, but my body was worn out. I was exhausted had minimal sleep and hadn't eaten in over 24 hours. I needed a break. And it was the right option.

More to come soon...

Sick Sick Sick

Lately my days have been spent sprinting to the bathroom, throwing myself to the toilet, trying to hold something down. That's about the only exercise I've been getting lately.

Unfortunately, it seems my extremely bad nausea has resurfaced once again and keeping stuff down is nearly impossible.

I'm so grossed out by the many different ways stuff comes out of my body, it's repulsive.

I don't want to eat because nothing sounds good.

I don't want to eat because I'm scared I'll puke.

I don't want to eat because I have heartburn before I ever even take a bite of my food.

I don't want to eat because if it's not nausea, it's my stomach acting up.

I hate the idea of eating now.

Since eating seems like such a challenging task, cooking and going the grocery store is torture.

I don't want to pick out what to make for dinner because nothing sounds good. I don't want to look at a bunch of food that will most likely make me sick. And I'm damn sure tired of paying for food and puking that money down the toilet.

I honestly feel sorry for my husband. He has a wife who doesn't want to eat, cook or do anything that requires work because I feel like shit all the time. I literally feel like this everyday.

Ugh. Why am I only 23 weeks?

Everyday I wake up wishing it was December and I was far enough along, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And this constant feeling like complete dog shit everyday doesn't make me a very productive person.

I'm trying to gather the strength to potty train Brody, but I fail to follow through at every turn.

I'm trying to clean out closets, the office, and get rid of a bunch of crap to make room for baby #2, but my energy is lacking.

If I feel good enough, I will accomplish something that day. The other day, I cleaned out my hall closet which took a few hours and I organized all of our medicine. I was proud of myself. It's just whatever I think I can tackle.

I also cleaned up and went through most of Brody's toys, getting rid of some he doesn't play with and cleaning his room. I still need to go through his closet and clothes though.

I have so many things on my list of To Do's, but no energy to finish them.

Beyond that, I'm trying to get ideas for the baby's room and figure out a name. We have a few we like, but none we've landed on just yet.

I just wish I was rich and had someone come and professional organize, decorate and clean up my house. LOL. I'm sure we all wish that or wish we had some minions.

Pretty much this post is again, about me feeling like poo. 

I think I may go lay down for a bit.

Someone wake me when it's December,

50 Shades of Cray Cray

Note: I was inspired to write this blog post after reading Helene In Between's "Irrationally Angry" post. You should check it out. She's awesome.

Ok. So. I'm stressed and agitated about 90% of the time.

I'm angry and upset at everything.

Yes. I do know that I am pregnant and hormonal.

As I type this, while sitting on my couch, my two year old son is pushing and gently kicking his feet against my hip causing me to become annoyed and frustrated as my computer screen shakes with every push of his foot.

The smallest things can set me off into an angry fit. Whether it be my impatient toddler repeating what he wants like a broken record about 28394839 times before I respond--honestly you have to admire his tenacity because he is dedicated to get what he wants--or my husband's dislike of my craving for packaged apple pies, my frustration seems constant and never-ending.

So here are some things that really tick me off...

+ Yes, I'm still getting sick. I've went 9 days without getting sick... and it's the longest I've went throughout this entire pregnancy without having to hug the toilet. Unfortunately, I'm nauseated all the time still--at least for the most part. The only positive is that I'm not getting sick every day, though when my puke-o-meter decides to reset, I could get sick as many as 4-5 time a day. FML.

+ The Terrible Twos. WHY the EFF to the two's have to be so damn terrible? For the past month, my child has whined and cried--it feels like but I'm probably exaggerating--constantly. And some parents say the three's are worse. Lord help me. I need more patience.

+ Pedicures. I need one. I want one. I don't want to pay for one. Irrational... I know.

+ I'm only 22 weeks pregnant right now. Um, hello lower back pain already! And, my hips and pelvis hurt already. This kid sits so low I swear he could swat Klay away if he tried to--ahem--enter. Yeah is that TMI? Oh deal with it. At least you don't have a little person who is pressing his head against your bladder, making you hurl, and hate the idea of eating or cooking all at the same time. I already feel huge and uncomfortable, I'm just ready to be delivering this baby come January.

+ People who make me have to repeat what I say more than once. Just listen the first time. Or the second. But when I have to say it a third, I'm annoyed.

+ Heartburn. As it if it's not enough that I have a child inside of me making me get up to pee every 5 minutes, I also have heartburn 24/7. Never had heartburn? Just wait til you get knocked up. Matter of fact, when you buy your pregnancy test, you might as well grab a bottle of Tums.

+ My iphone. I'm over it. It messes up constantly. It's slow. Switching to android and I'm so ready for it, I can barely stand it.

+ Apple Pies. While all I crave seems to be the little packaged apple pies, I have to have a certain brand. Some of the other brands suck and the pies taste like poo, and for some reason the brand I want is not in any damn stores. Klay went to four different stores the other day searching for pies for his irrational spouse. If they had any of my brand, they would have only one left and it would be lemon. They don't even have them at Walmart. Seriously? Who the EFF is eating all these damn pies? And why is it so difficult to find them? Meanwhile, Klay gets concerned that I'm eating one to two a day. I know they are bad for me, but as much as I throw up food I pay for and cook, these pies make me feel better. #piequeen #donthate

+ Shopping with a toddler. Brody refuses to be in the buggy so he has to walk and be independent, but he doesn't listen and touches everything in the store. I'm like "Don't touch that. Put that back. Brody come here. No, we can't have candy." It's never ending. I discipline him, and sometimes it works and sometimes not so much. By the end of the trip, I'm mentally and physically exhausted. PS. F-U Halloween candy being on every damn aisle at Walmart.

+ Things breaking when you need them. From flat tires and messed up phones to cracked bathtubs and dead car batteries, it seems everything we own is breaking. My blood pressure is rising.

+ Slow cashiers. Just take your time scanning three items I wish to purchase which takes five minutes more than it should. It's not like this pregnant lady has to pee or anything.

I could go on and on, but pretty much this is just a bitch post. Sorry about that guys. I'm just not in a grand mood today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

It'd be a lot better if I had a maid or assistant. If only I were rich...

At least this attractive beast comes home to me every day! Watch video. You'll laugh.