50 Shades of Cray Cray

Note: I was inspired to write this blog post after reading Helene In Between's "Irrationally Angry" post. You should check it out. She's awesome.

Ok. So. I'm stressed and agitated about 90% of the time.

I'm angry and upset at everything.

Yes. I do know that I am pregnant and hormonal.

As I type this, while sitting on my couch, my two year old son is pushing and gently kicking his feet against my hip causing me to become annoyed and frustrated as my computer screen shakes with every push of his foot.

The smallest things can set me off into an angry fit. Whether it be my impatient toddler repeating what he wants like a broken record about 28394839 times before I respond--honestly you have to admire his tenacity because he is dedicated to get what he wants--or my husband's dislike of my craving for packaged apple pies, my frustration seems constant and never-ending.

So here are some things that really tick me off...

+ Yes, I'm still getting sick. I've went 9 days without getting sick... and it's the longest I've went throughout this entire pregnancy without having to hug the toilet. Unfortunately, I'm nauseated all the time still--at least for the most part. The only positive is that I'm not getting sick every day, though when my puke-o-meter decides to reset, I could get sick as many as 4-5 time a day. FML.

+ The Terrible Twos. WHY the EFF to the two's have to be so damn terrible? For the past month, my child has whined and cried--it feels like but I'm probably exaggerating--constantly. And some parents say the three's are worse. Lord help me. I need more patience.

+ Pedicures. I need one. I want one. I don't want to pay for one. Irrational... I know.

+ I'm only 22 weeks pregnant right now. Um, hello lower back pain already! And, my hips and pelvis hurt already. This kid sits so low I swear he could swat Klay away if he tried to--ahem--enter. Yeah is that TMI? Oh deal with it. At least you don't have a little person who is pressing his head against your bladder, making you hurl, and hate the idea of eating or cooking all at the same time. I already feel huge and uncomfortable, I'm just ready to be delivering this baby come January.

+ People who make me have to repeat what I say more than once. Just listen the first time. Or the second. But when I have to say it a third, I'm annoyed.

+ Heartburn. As it if it's not enough that I have a child inside of me making me get up to pee every 5 minutes, I also have heartburn 24/7. Never had heartburn? Just wait til you get knocked up. Matter of fact, when you buy your pregnancy test, you might as well grab a bottle of Tums.

+ My iphone. I'm over it. It messes up constantly. It's slow. Switching to android and I'm so ready for it, I can barely stand it.

+ Apple Pies. While all I crave seems to be the little packaged apple pies, I have to have a certain brand. Some of the other brands suck and the pies taste like poo, and for some reason the brand I want is not in any damn stores. Klay went to four different stores the other day searching for pies for his irrational spouse. If they had any of my brand, they would have only one left and it would be lemon. They don't even have them at Walmart. Seriously? Who the EFF is eating all these damn pies? And why is it so difficult to find them? Meanwhile, Klay gets concerned that I'm eating one to two a day. I know they are bad for me, but as much as I throw up food I pay for and cook, these pies make me feel better. #piequeen #donthate

+ Shopping with a toddler. Brody refuses to be in the buggy so he has to walk and be independent, but he doesn't listen and touches everything in the store. I'm like "Don't touch that. Put that back. Brody come here. No, we can't have candy." It's never ending. I discipline him, and sometimes it works and sometimes not so much. By the end of the trip, I'm mentally and physically exhausted. PS. F-U Halloween candy being on every damn aisle at Walmart.

+ Things breaking when you need them. From flat tires and messed up phones to cracked bathtubs and dead car batteries, it seems everything we own is breaking. My blood pressure is rising.

+ Slow cashiers. Just take your time scanning three items I wish to purchase which takes five minutes more than it should. It's not like this pregnant lady has to pee or anything.

I could go on and on, but pretty much this is just a bitch post. Sorry about that guys. I'm just not in a grand mood today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

It'd be a lot better if I had a maid or assistant. If only I were rich...

At least this attractive beast comes home to me every day! Watch video. You'll laugh.

That time I found out I was pregnant

You know how you imagined the way it would feel to announce that you're pregnant to the man of your dreams?

The romance music is playing as he picks you up and swings you around in circles elated by the news. You imagine yourself being the happiest woman on earth.

Well that's how it happened for me. Music played, Klay swung me around in circles, and we laughed in excitement about our new bundle of joy.

UM.
PSH.

YEAH RIGHT.

To be honest, it didn't even come close.

And no, before you get any ideas, this isn't a post to announce that I'm currently pregnant. My uterus is empty and I like that way--for now. ;)

Let me take you back to the year 2011.

We had been married for four years and just moved home from Alaska. He had just transitioned from active duty Air Force to the Reserves so we could be closer to home to raise a family one day; "one day" meaning a year or two later.

We'd wrapped up our 17-day trip from Alaska to Texas (documented on this blog for you newbies)... and had only been back in Texas for about a month or so.

And, we were living with my parents.

Yes, my parents.

BUT we were searching for a place of our own.

Well, I stopped taking the pill because it was making me have my menstrual for two weeks. #aintnobodygottimeforthat

Seriously my lady problems are going to be the death of me.

SO, I'd planned on going back to the doctor to sort out my birth control options once we got things settled in at my parents' place.

Let's fast forward to the beginning of July.

I started not feeling so great. I felt different than I ever had before. I mean there were a few times I thought I was pregnant in the past, when we lived in Alaska, but I'd get my period and it would be done. #phewthatwasclose

But this time it was very, very different. Everything in my body was screaming that something wasn't off. From my sore boobs and constipation to being late, I just knew I was knocked up.

I told Klay this and he gave me that "Oh, I've heard this before" look and shrugged it off.

I'd reply, "No, I know I'm pregnant, I know it this time. I know it."

Of course I got online to google "menstrual cycle" and checked out the graphics to try to determine if we had sex when I was ovulating. We had, so that only confirmed that I was, at least in my mind.

My parents had gone out of town for the weekend to Oklahoma, so we had the house to ourselves.

So I left early one morning and headed to CVS to buy a pregnancy test. I opted for the Clearblue test that actually says "pregnant or not pregnant." I didn't want some little double lines confusing me when I took the test. #spellitoutforme

I came back, took the test and set it on the counter.

I walked in the kitchen to throw away the CVS bag, and went straight back to the bathroom and I saw the word...

"PREGNANT"

#readitandweep

My heart pounded as I couldn't believe what I'd read.

I walked out of the bathroom in tears with the test in-hand.
Klay looks at me trying to gauge my reaction.

He knew I was taking the test and the first words out of his mouth once he sees my face is:
"You're not?"

Um.
NO.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

WHY ELSE WOULD I BE CRYING?

"Really? I'm pregnant," I said.

"Nuh-uh. You're lying," he walked toward me now with some umph in his step.

"Look at it," I handed the test to him.

He grabbed it and stared.
His eyes widened.
He didn't smile or laugh or pick me up and swing me around.
He just stared.

He was clearly as rattled as I was.

The next three words that came out of his mouth weren't exactly the words I thought I would hear when I told my husband I was pregnant.

He uttered three words.

Three little words that weren't as beautiful as the image I had engrained in my head on the way this whole pregnancy announcement would go.

He said:




What the F**K.



Do you have a good pregnancy announcement story? I want to hear it.