Thursday, April 03, 2014

The Color Purple

Do you ever feel like your life is in a rut?
And, no matter what you do you can't get out of it?

That's me.

I'm stuck in a rut and it blows.
Blows big chunks everywhere...
But since I'm in the rut...
The chunks keep coming back and smacking me in the face.

Oh what? You think that's gross?
Just wait.
This will be the most epic post yet.
You'll see.

Men, you should turn back now while you have the chance. Don't say, I didn't warn you...

So it all started about a month ago after Brody and Swayze's joint-birthday bash. I'd been stressing about the party for a few weeks, and then I got sick with some sinus crap so I was on antibiotics for two weeks because nothing would quite get rid of my gnarly infection.

If you're a woman and know anything about antibiotics, you can probably figure out what's coming next.

(Men, if there are any reading, you may want to steer clear of this post; second warning!)


Combine antibiotics and stress and what do you get? DING DING DING.

Yep, it's your classic case YI aka yeast infection.

I know, I know... It's gross for some folks. But most of us women will get at least one in our lifetime... It's a medical thing, ya'll, so don't freak out and stop reading. You'll be rolling on the floor by the end, I promise.

And if you're offended by this... sorry, not sorry. If we were in a doctor's office talking, it wouldn't be a big deal. If it makes you feel better, pretend like you're reading this at your doctor's office. And you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for yo mama's lady parts... so if you don't like it, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!

I'll be honest; I debated on talking about my lady parts...

Buuuuttt I figured if you know me (and I mean know me, know me) I'm not the one to shy away from this kind of conversation. I tend to over-share... that's just who I am. I usually make you feel better about yourself by the end of a story through my experiences and this one is no different.

Plus, I've never heard of this before... and I'm guessing you haven't either.

Needless to say, it started on the Monday after the birthday party. I finally made it to the store Wednesday to buy an over-the-counter treatment. By that Friday, it hadn't got better so I called my OB-GYN. She called in a strong prescription that's apparently hard to come by in pharmacies because my pharmacy (CVS) called informing me they didn't have it on their shelf. Since it was Friday, the earliest I'd get it would be Monday.

They tried to call a few other CVS's around the area and none of them had it either. They did call Walgreens and they had it! I was so relieved that I was going to get some relief, so I sent Klay to pick it up. #noshameinmygame

About an hour later, Klay called and said that Walgreens doesn't take our insurance. Just MY luck... It was going to be $100 for the one-time treatment. Psh, puh-lease... not gonna fly.

I called a few other places in town (Walmart, Kroger, Brookshires) and they all took my insurance, but none had it on the shelf. FIGURES! 

Of course the only one who had it on their shelf in a 30-mile range from my house was the one that didn't take our insurance... sometimes I think the world works against me.

So I called the doc and left a message (now it was past 5 o'clock on a Friday, so I thought I may not get a reply). They called me back and called in a less potent 'script I could try and get that day.

I did the three-day prescribed treatment and by Monday I didn't feel any different. I go to see my gynecologist but she is out for the day, so I see the nurse practitioner instead. I was swabbed and told to continue to use external cream and it should go away.

A week later, it was still not better.

I go back and see my lady doctor this time. The results came back from the week prior and revealed I had a really resistant yeast that's extremely difficult to get rid of. Uh, DUH!

She gives me the same medicine I was trying to get my hands on two weeks prior, but no one had it on the shelves. UGH. FML. If I'd had known it would be this bad, I would have ordered it and waited til the pharmacy got it in.

Now it had been more than three weeks with the YI.

Early last week, it STILL didn't seem to be getting much better...

So I go back to the doctor...

What's my next option? #areyoureadyforthis

Purple lady parts.

Say what now?

Yep, you read that right. Dye my lady parts a lovely shade of purple.

Like Minnesota-Vikings-purple, Barney-purple, Purple-people-eater-purple (my longtime BFF, Brittany, will love that one)... I'm running low on purple references, but you get the idea.

You mean a purple va-jay-jay could solve this problem? Pssh... Well why didn't you say so?

Ha. I'm kidding. I wasn't too pumped about painting my lady parts. This stuff (it's gentian violet used to treat YI and thrush in babies) will stain your who-ha and by stain, I mean like permanent-marker-kind-of stain, which means it's going to be around for a while.

Oh what to do, what to do?

I did feel just a smidge better the day before the doctor appointment. But with my history of getting rid of illnesses or having unexpected things pop-up, things would probably go awry.

See, I'm not the usual patient who gets the usual meds and it works right away... I'm the one who has the unfortunate, unexpected, unusual things happen (that was a bunch u-adjectives, virtual high-five to my word nerds out there... you know who you are!).

Thank God, I have a loving, understanding husband and good insurance.

He's seen a lot worse from me, ya'll. And even more disgusting and embarrassing things (than a purple vagina) that I care to share. Well, I'd share them with ya, but now's not exactly the time.

Klay has had to clean up a time or two after me, as I have him.

"In sickness and in health," right? But for my poor fella has dealt with more sickness on my end than health.

Our marriage is an open book, so #Iaintneverscared to tell, share, or show him the issues I may be having. That hashtag was a rap song reference, if you didn't catch it... #bonecrusher #highschoolrapsongs

Needless to say, I told the doc "to paint her masterpiece" and now have a purple-y goodness down south. And no, I didn't get to pick the shade of purple I wanted.

Hello pretty vagina!

Boom... nailed it.

OR at least I thought I did.

Two days after my goodies were Picasso-ed, mother nature came calling. Just pile it all on at once, why don't cha? 

Then as I'm typing this post, my doctor's nurse calls. The swabs from the day I got...ahem...painted came back negative--no yeast. Looks like this whole pretty vagina thing wasn't necessary after all...

Another week or two till this painted va-jay-jay gets back to normal.

At least my husband is getting his amusement out of this. He's constantly joking about how he smells grape, asking me if I inked myself or if I'm still baking bread.

Only I would have my vagina painted purple for no reason...

I'm just keeping things interesting in the bedroom.

On the flip-side, I have a husband who loves me no matter what shade my vagina is. #winning

Do you have a crazy, embarrassing story to share? Please tell me I'm not the only one in the Purple Vagina Club (PVC). Message, email me or comment below!


President of the PVC

Read the kind of sequel to this post title "Why I Hate My Vagina."