Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Why I Hate My Vagina


The title is a bit harsh, I know.


My vagina hates me.

And, I'm starting to hate it back.

Many of you read about my vagina problems here, and, guess what?

They didn't go away.

"The Color Purple" post was actually written a week prior to when I posted it. And this post was written on April 9th, so I'm happy to report my lady parts are back to normal.

I debated and went back and forth on whether or not to actually publish the original post. Airing out my vagina probs with the world wasn't exactly easy to do.

Ultimately, I decided to go for it. This is my page to write whatever I want and I would totally tell this story around my girlfriends, so why not here?

And I think the only guy who follows my blog is my husband anyway! And he, ahem, knows what I'm working with.

So let me start where I ended "The Color Purple" post...

I'm using some GIFs to help tell this story.

After my cycle ended, my YI symptoms began to return. And, about 9248923492 times worse than before; and, I mean it when I say 9248923492 times worse.

I was literally going crazy.

I was now going on seven weeks with this yeast infection bull.

SO, I called my gynecologist again and scheduled an appointment for Monday (the day of the 3D Crest/ELLE event).

The appointment was early and in Dallas, so I was up and at 'em earlier than usual. And, I didn't have my coffee so I put on the most hideous outfit known to man with no thought of having to be in the public eye while shopping for clothes for the soiree later that evening.

Ya'll should have seen some of the looks I got. 

I had plenty of "WTF-is-she-wearing looks" thrown my way. But I really didn't care. I had a busy day.

I walked into the doctor's office tired, feeling fat, and anxious to see my doc. Let me fast-forward for you...

So I am laying down, feet up in the air, with my lady parts exposed for the doc to examine...

What do you think happened next?

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you should know it can't be good...


Ya'll, I can't make this shit up. And I know that's how you feel... as you laugh at my medical probs.

I didn't have my vagina painted purple once, but twice. Ugh, only me.

If you remember I did mention in the original post, things normally don't work right for me medically the first time around... I always have to go back to the doctor. I should have known this wouldn't go away like it "should."

So now, it's back to looking like an ink pen busted in my undies again. #purplevaginaprobs

And this time she "got it really good," she said... whatever that means. It took her a little longer to "paint" me up, and she event signed her name on my thigh!

LOL, I'm kidding.

The only good thing from all of this... maybe I can go on a Victoria's Secret splurge for new undies. I'm gonna need them.

After I left the doctor, I was incredibly frustrated but had to shift my focus to finding an outfit for the event later night.

I went to a nearby Dallas mall and found nothing. The only thing Forever 21 had was crop tops.
Um, no thanks.

And, then I thought. Maybe that's why it's called Forever 21, for those 21-ers. Am I too old to shop there now? I'd pick up something and say to myself "Who the hell wears this crap?"

This is how I felt while going through the store...

I met Klay for a quick lunch and told him my va-jay-jay was 50 shades of violet again. His reaction:

He then asks, "So, what color are they going to do next if this doesn't work? Yellow? Green? Orange?"

"Um, honey, I don't think it works that way."

The things he says sometimes!

I headed to an outlet mall near Mom's house after lunch. I always shop at Maurices because I can usually find a ton of options there, so if you every want to buy me a present, ahem!, a gift card there would be amaze balls.

And, I found a lot of cute clothes, shoes and jewelry that's off the chain (pun intended).

After leaving there, I rushed to mom's picked up Brody, had her paint my toenails because I don't know how. I was a tomboy growing up ya'll; don't judge. And, side note: there are several other things I don't know how to do--whistle or blow up a balloon. I think it's a blonde thing. #blondestruggles

Here's a list of reasons why I hate my vagina:

  1. She's a pain in my ass. Don't take that literally because then I'd have a real medical condition. But lately she's done nothing but cause me frustration and irritation (that you can take literally).
  2. She requires a lot of maintenance. I was reading in Cosmopolitan the other day, and most women go full brazilian down south. Nough said.
  3. She's expensive. And, with all this YI BS I've had to use too many creams, pantiliners, pads, etc. I'm paying for the light bill at the Always Factory this month for sure. #canIgetadiscount
  4. She's guaranteed to make me a complete basket case at least one week a month. Mother Nature comes a callin' with a vengeance...
  5. She clearly has a cruel sense of humor. From YI's to painting it purple, she's given my readers and maybe even me a few laughs.
And, just like in my first post, I got a call from my awesome nurse--shout out to Melissa--who informed me it wasn't a yeast infection AGAIN. I painted my vagina TWICE for no reason.

Apparently it's all in my head.

I'm glad I got that off my chest!

Let me know what you thought of this post! What GIF would describe your day today? Comment below!

Don't forget to become a follower and share this blog with your friends and family. If I get 20 more likes on FB and 30 followers on this blog, Klay and I will play egg roulette!