Another Hospitalization for 2015

I haven't written this month, like I promised I would--and I'm sorry about that.

Honestly this month, it's been one thing after another.

Remember how I told you that I would have these days where I'd stand or walk and then I'd see all black?

Well that's what started happening again Halloween weekend. I honestly wore myself out from Halloween--and the stress of getting the kids' costumes ready--so much so, that the next day I was too sore and weak to get out of bed.

All of these fatigue and vision problems fell right before this random Monday where I had to watch the kids alone. Perfect timing, right?

 I was really scared to keep the boys all alone all day with how I felt.

That day, I'd stand up to get something for the kids and I would black out and desperately reach out for the nearest sturdy object so I wouldn't pass out or fall.

Besides the vision issues, I couldn't walk a straight line to save my life. My balance was completely off that when I would try to walk one direction, my body would go in another.

Now these things have happened off and on for a while. But this particular symptom--didn't happen until Monday, Nov. 2--the day I was alone with kids. I starting hearing my heartbeat in my ears.

I spoke to the doctor's office and they said come in immediately, or if it kept happening I'd need to call 911. The problem was I had the kids.

Klay was nearly two hours away working. And all my immediate caregivers happened to be tied up (vacations, picking up kids from school, etc).

Klay made it home about 4 p.m. and we needed to get to the hospital and fast. We arrived at my doctor's office who were waiting for me, because my doctor wanted to check on me personally.

They thought I was having some vertigo issues (where you sit and your BP is fine and then you stand and it drops) making the room spin or get dizzy, which I did have some of.

I'd already had CT scan of both my brain and sinuses the week prior, but they definitely wanted me to stay to do some more testing.

So I was in the hospital the first week of November, and the MRI revealed that my sinuses were terribly blocked and full.

Apparently there was a lot of gunk stuck up there that needed to be sucked out. And if you're grossed out by that sentence, at least you didn't have to have the sinus surgery to remove it. Yes, I said sinus surgery.

I was in pretty bad pain after the surgery. I was hurting so bad and they couldn't keep me comfortable. I had a bitch  rude recovery nurse, who would just ignore me when I spoke or tried to ask questions. I was in recovery for nearly two hours, and I was not happy about it.

Then, they moved my bed out by the nurses' station and I was trying to wave or get my nurse's attention--who was apparently done with me--and then a nurse saw I was about to yak and she handed me a nice blue barf bag. I'd swallowed a lot of blood because of the type of surgery, so you can imagine what was in the bag. Scariest thing ever. Am I dying over here? Scary movie-type shit. 

With me every moment...

Laughable Hospital Moments

That Familiar Place...

When I was first admitted, I was wheeled up to the floor I was going to live, I mean stay in, for however long. It was an oncology floor, of course, so I expected to know a lot of the nurses.

All of the nurses were waving to me as I get wheeled to my room seemingly happy to see me. I waved back as I'm pushed in the wheelchair to my room like a pageant girl in a parade--unknowingly of where I was going. I was focusing on the attention clearly.

Then I hear the nurses holler "aww, you get your old room back!" Yes, the one I stayed in for more than a month.

OMG, I never wanted to see that room again. I'd done my time in that prison. But that's just my luck.

Noticing Things I Should Have Noticed Before

After having stayed in the room for 30+ days in April and staring at the walls of the room for hours on-end, you'd think I would have noticed "it" before. The portrait was there, I remembered starting at it; this I know.

I bet I looked that painting more than a million times, yet I never seemed to notice the penis rock on the left-side of it.

Yeah it's that big rock that looks like a penis. I'm determined the artist did that purposefully or maybe this place really exists. If so, I'm visiting!

I self-titled this portrait, "This Penis Rocks."

My revelation was a hit with the nurses.

When I Thought I Saw...

I was wheeled down to get a MRI, when I see the MRI Tech guy. I'm asking myself 'who does this guy look like?' He was adorable. I finally realized he looked exactly like Morgan (Lenny James) from "The Walking Dead."

I arrived back at my room and squealed to Klay with excitement "guess who I just saw?"

He replied, "Who?"

"Lenny James!" I hollered.

"WHO?" Klay said to me with an I've-never-heard-that-name-in-my-life look.

"Morgan!"

He stared at me.

"Morgan from 'The Walking Dead'. You know that show we watch every Sunday and yesterday's episode was all about him?"

"Ohhhh. That's cool. He's here?"

"No it was a guy that looked exactly like him though."

END SCENE

I guess it's the littlest things that excite you in a hospital.

==

I spent a total of five days in the hospital, but my readers weren't far from my mind.

Y'all, I have eight posts written and saved in my drafts folder that aren't finished yet or need some major editing.

It doesn't help that I need glasses and I'm on drugs--pharmaceutical ones--so literally I've fallen asleep typing--totally face to key board.

I'm trying to get posts out as often as I can without looking like a complete fool, which means I won't publish it unless I think someone else may want to read it.

Since my brain is so clogged up, please feel free to message me or comment and let me know I missed a word, wrote it twice, etc. I need you little editors to help me out there! #writerswithcancerstruggles

Let's just pray that I get through these holiday months with no more hospital stays!

I Just May Have Finally Lost It

Suck

my

ass,

July.



Yes I just said that.
No, it's not pleasant imagery.
But you month of July, yes you, can now sucketh it. (And if you can't tell I miss Game of Thrones because I am Queen of the North moo-hoo-ah-ah-ah).

So WHY am I so harsh on July?
Because it's been nothing but a Bethe (that's pronounced "betch" like the one Ronda Rousey put out in like 36 seconds). So I'm gonna put this Bethe July down and outta my mind because it was just plain awful.

Oh by the way everyone, what up what up what uuuuuupp??

Sorry with all of the naughty language and imagery, but that's why you haven't heard of me in nearly a month--because July might have caused my first gray hair. And, yes, I do have some hair now--and a receding hairline (LIKE WTF!?!)... But we will talk about that later.

I guess you guys are lucky because I'm sitting in bed and I'm in that crazy ass mood where I write like it's nobody's biz-NUSS but mine. See that doesn't make sense but I don't care cause I'm making crazy EFFIN' faces at the computer as I type like I'm talking to the computer because this is a run-on sentence that I just don't want to end to be absolutely ridiculous and so I can continue to make faces like I'm a crazy person.

#ImightsoundlikeIamcrazybutIamjustbeingexpressive #art

I know what you're thinking. That bitch really lost it this time.

I don't know what got into me. It was like I don't feel like writing and I got up and got a drink of water and then it was like Bam! Crazy faces at the computer as I type. #inspiration #ifKlaywalksinhemightsendmetothehospital



OK before I continue, I will tell you some wise, wise words I read on a shirt I saw on Facebook earlier. No I didn't even see this shirt in person, but LORD I need it. #someonebuyitplease

Shit has really sucked lately, hence all of this nonsense cussing/derogatory terms, so if this bothers you then "Buckle up Buttercup, you just flipped my bitch switch." <--- That's what the shirt said. #whycantIeverthinkofsomethingsoclever

Anyway, I thought the shirt was funny.

Well truth is, I don't have a brain any more so that's probably why I'm a little "off". I know what you're thinking "Well, Cass you never had a brain. You were blonde, remember?" (I heard that in one in my head as I typed as one of those mocking voices people do to make fun of each other).

Well hardy, har har.

I did have a brain before (I graduated 6th in my class--and no, there weren't only 7 people in my class or 8 or 9 or 10 so HA!). I was actually book smart. But now, I can barely get out a sentence or remember what I wanted to say, it's got me talking just a lil teeny tiny microscopic bit less. But that's a lot when it comes to Chatty Cathy over here.

So I'm going through some ch ch ch changes.

And that's true in more way than one.

I'm 'kind of' going through a little bit of menopause right now already at the ripe age of 27 because of the sweet, sweet chemo I got pre-stem cell transplant. Chemo, oh how I love thee. #letmespellitoutforyathatwassarcasm

Ok, maybe I liked chemo a little bit cause it killed all of the in my body stuff that was trying to kill me, so I could have someone else's cells put in my body and hopefully be "healthy." I mean it did give me really soft and perky hair like a little baby chick. #Icouldwinthesoftesthairaward

So yeah apparently that's a thing--menopause in my life already. And we all know that can cause things like mood swings, dried up va-jay-jays, hot flashes and irritability, amongst many other things. Ahhh I'm living the life. My husband is so lucky to have me.

Something else that happened in July--Klay was gone for over two weeks.

And no, the menopause thing didn't send him packing, if that's what you were thinking...

He had to go to California for work/training stuff. He's in the USAF Reserves so he had to do some two-week training thing up there and worked the ENTIRE time, including weekends, and never left the base (poor guy).

Then he got back the day before our 8th wedding anniversary (which was on a Monday the 27th, so he had to go back to his normal job/work) only to work another 5 days and then to go back to his normal Reserve schedule his first weekend home in Ft. Worth.

So this is his first weekend off since 1998, I mean like July 11th-ish., which means I have not been to the damn grocery store in nearly four weeks because of several varying reasons and yes, I'm starving and no I haven't felt so great.

And yes, I'm about to list all of the thing that happened this past month, just so you know how much I really hate July.

So put on your big girl/boy pants and just read it. I'll even make it bullet points so you won't ask "when is this girl gonna stop typing?" to shorten it up for you...

• Menopause at 27 #funtimes
• Receding Hair Line -- LIKE OUTTA NO WHERE. I'm just glad I don't have dark hair, but it is super soft.
• Klay's gone for like three weeks. Um, yeah. A lot of chaos scheduling people to take me to the doctor, scheduling new doctor appointments and trying to schedule people to help me to take care of the kids. 
• Sub-bullet: Because he was gone I got up with Bex every night, so I was super sleepless for the most part and weak from the no eating thing.
• I had no food and not much of an appetite so I lost weight. #score
• SUB-sub-bullet: Because I lost weight, I'm now thinking my breasts go every which way but north. I already kind of had that problem, but it's intensified. #fail
• We didn't get to celebrate our anniversary because this is Klay's first weekend free and everyone we know is either at the lake, vacationing, swimming, going to the Circus, Zoo etc, etc. I can't do any of those things cause those can all lead to infections for me so, yay with the summer fun! #notreallybecausesummersucks #especiallyinTexas
• My G-Ma was in the hospital. It was nothing serious and she's fine. But I was a hot mess because of it.
• I had a scheduled day to get my trifusion taken out (the thing in my chest with three tubes that hang out of my chest like I'm growing extra tiny limbs), only to have it canceled. But it did get pulled out last week on a whim because it wasn't working properly. #yes! But I was drugless. #whatashame
• The reason my trifusion removal was canceled was because I broke out in a rash for two weeks (thanks to some oral chemo pills I was on--just for maintenance--we're trying to keep this sexy ass body healthy HA!) that was all over my face, head, chest, and... well... yeah let's just move on to the next bullet.
• Not-So-Fun Fact: When you have really harsh chemo and a stem cell transplant your body grows new everything. New hair (ahem--everywhere-ahem), new skin, new taste buds and oddly enough new nails. Oh what you don't think that's weird? Well by growing these "new nails," my old nails are sitting on top of my of my new nails making it so I can't cut them, and it looks like I have two nails. It's really weird and they get caught on clothes and things because I can't cut them because it will tear into that pink part of the nail, which would hurt like a Bethe. So I haven't done much laundry cause I'm knicking all of my clothes. #ohIhaveplentyofexcusesfornotdoinglaundry
• I can't drive. WHY? Cause I can't see. SO getting on the computer is kind of a pain cause I just get a headache... (part of the reason for my lack of online activity). When I drove a few weeks back, I really couldn't see the signs that well. It was pretty scary. I thought I might have to get someone to drive me home or pick me up or something. But I made it home myself. Now I just need to make an eye doc appointment. #blurryvision Thanks, chemo.
• I have had another breathing treatment and boy did that BLOW. Hahahaha you get it? It really did though. It was terrible. It tasted so bad I thought I was gonna hurl and this is coming from a girl who... yeah I'm going to stop that sentence and just keep you guessing... And then it had this crazy effect on me where I was super jittery for the rest of the day and I was shaking and nauseated and it was just a crappy rest of the day. #breathingtreatmentsblowbigtoes
• I had to make some other doctor appointments to see other experts about my body and all of the things all of this cancer treatment stuff does to you. SO now, I'm booking MORE doctor appointments with different doctors and I still have to go to the oncologist every week. 
• It's effin' hot out here in this Texas July weather and it's only progressively gotten worst since August hit. I go outside for five seconds and I feel like I'm going to fry. Not only because I have super sensitive skin post transplant, but also because it feels like you walked in to a mythological Giant's big schweatty balls. Needless to say it's hot... And now have to start wearing hats cause my scalp burns if I'm in the sun for more than a minute. #myheadfeelslikefire

So this list could really be a list for "27 Ways to Get Your Husband to Find You Unattractive." 

I mean the menopause, the weight-loss, the receding hairline, the blurry vision, the having-to-rely-on- you-for-everything wife, who can't get a tan and might melt if you take her outside...

I mean we seriously need to do a slow clap for Klay here.

Poor guy... that "sickness and in health" thing really did him in.

HA, I'm kidding.
Sorry about that babe. Stop rolling your eyes!

But really though.

I'm already a dried up, pale, can't-see-for-shit ole lady, who can't go anywhere (literally) and whose  only action this past month was with a breathing machine.

Another joke...

But seriously July did suck.

I'm just glad my husband is back so he can make me laugh at all the shitty things we have to go through right now--and so he can cook me dinner.

Lucky to be in love with the guy above,



PS. Finally got a day away. More on that later...

Letter Series Vol. 1 // A Letter To My Sons

I just can't seem to find it in my heart tonight.

I know I was meant to battle through this time and for a purpose, but as I look at photos of my boys the "reason" for going through this doesn't bring me solace as I lay in the hospital bed away from them.

My heart and soul are 40 miles away from me tonight, but feel 5000. I can't bare to think about how I haven't seen them since Monday or that they can't come up here to see me everyday because it puts other patients with low immune systems at risk.

I know that life isn't fair. I just can't find it in my heart to push through these feelings tonight. I'm not as strong as I sound on paper [or technically] your screen.

I can push through some emotions and utilize my acceptance for what is, but I can't do it tonight. I can only think of them--my precious babies.

That's all that's on my mind tonight.

I can't help but feel the burden that I'm forcing onto others for having to care for my children that bore into this world. It's not OK with me.

People shouldn't have to care for MY babies. I should be able to do that. I should be able to care for them.

There is nothing more precious in this life than to become a parent, and this disease [or any serious illness, for that matter] can take that away from you.

So here I lay in a hospital bed in Dallas with three more days of chemo left and another two weeks or more stuck in his dungeon. OK, this dungeon is much better than the where I did my first round of chemo in November, but it's still a dungeon if you can't get out into the light and feel fresh air on your face.

I'm laying here... eyes closed and typing away (and yes, I can type with my eyes close because I'm a bad ass). Anyway, ahem, like I was typing with my eyes closed, I'm imagining feeling the air on my face and watching Brody run around outside on a sunny day much like he did on Sunday, the day before I committed to being in this place.

I picture holding baby Bex and kissing the sweetest little nose and smile, I've ever seen. I just want that baby-smell to intoxicate me again. It's crazy that a smell can make everything melt away and keep me calm and content with where I am.

--

[[A letter to my sons]]

Hi, my lovely babies.

Today is day 4 I've been away from you and it may not feel like it for you two, but it feels like an eternity on my end. I miss your snuggles, your smiles, your giggles, and your smell--except for when you go number two... Bro, Bro, you know I'm talking to you. Shewwwwwweeeeee. Stinky poo poo.

But despite what comes out of both of your rear-ends, I'd deal with it to just be home with you again.

Brody, I miss your loud "zombie-acting" skills and watching Bex smile when he hears that the "Zombie is coming to get me."

You two are the most precious things to me. I'm just so thankful that I chose the best daddy for you two. He does everything mommy does, if not more. Probably more. It's more, guys. There I admit it. He does more. He does it all. And he is the best daddy in the whole world, that I can promise you.

You know I may not have known that this was going to happen to me, but I definitely felt something was off in my bones. About half my way through my pregnancy with Bex, I felt a fear in my heart I'd never felt and terror swarmed around me.

Questions popped in my head:

"What if something terrible happens to me or the baby during this pregnancy?"
"What would we do if something is wrong with the baby?"
"What if I leave my Bro behind?"

I feared for the unknown.

But when his cancer decided to show its face to us, it fortunately impacted me and my life and not jeopardize the life of my second baby, boy Bex.

Bex, you don't know it yet or have any clue, but you saved mommy's life when you started to grow in my belly. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have been getting routine check-ups and regular blood work done. I wouldn't have found the cancer as quickly as we did if you weren't in there growing inside of me.

Just three days after seeing the hematologist, I went to the hospital because you were kicking and causing spasms in my lower back that weren't normal. You were trying to tell me to go to the doctor to get checked out. And I did.

Essentially, I didn't expect to have you a week later, nor did I expect to get the news I got the very next day--mommy is very sick with AML If it hadn't been for your rocking around like a crazy person in womb, I wouldn't have went back to the doctor that week. Everything about my treatment would have been pushed back another week, another day, another hour and it all seems like too much time when your trying to fight for your life.

It wasn't until you came out and I saw the knot in your cord that I realized I helped save your life too. I had a placenta-hormone issue we discovered early on in the pregnancy that had us already monitoring you closely. There was a chance the placenta could give out before birth and you'd stop growing and getting the nutrients you needed to survive. But kowing that while you were still my tummy, and then seeing the pretzel-tied knot in your cord solidified your reason for being here on Earth as much as mine.

You were supposed to arrive 10 weeks early.
You weren't supposed to go full-term.
That's not who you are, Bex.
You were ready for this world the minute you started to sprout inside of me.
You were never going to wait.
You were going to beat to your own drum and you did, bud.

You pounded on my back to get mommy help--to save me. You did that. You saved me. And because you saved me, I kinda saved you too I suppose. Though, technically you probably saved yourself; just go ahead kid, you can have the credit.

I honestly don't care. But typing this story tonight made me feel much better. Imagining how you came into the world crying and reaching for air. You breathed on your own with no help.

You're tough, little guy. They said you wouldn't be. They said you'd be weak, but you proved them wrong. Your my rough and tough little baby boy.

You were out of the NICU so fast and on the special care nursery and home in five-weeks time.

And your brother has never shown one iota of jealousy. He has been so proud of you from the very first moment he saw a photo of you. He loves his "baby brudder" and he watches out for you all the time.

Brody gets on to me if you're crying and I don't get up fast enough to feed you or change your diaper.

"Mommy, feed baby brudder now!" he demands. "He needs you."

Oh boy, Bro. You both do, in so many more ways that you know. That's why I'm stuck in this dungeon fighting for my life.

I'm fighting for you--both of you. I love you so much.

I don't ever want to leave you, ever. And I won't.
I will be here for you always, but I can't make promises.

All I can do is tell you that you've given me the best gift and the most appreciation for life I've had in my 27-years on Earth. Thank you for that. How could I ever want more?

And don't think I'm giving up. I'm not. Mommy's heart just hurts tonight. I just long to be around your snuggles and watch you smile, grin and giggle. You fill up a room when you giggle, Brody. It's the best sound in the world.

I'll still be there to watch your first football game, to walk you in on your first day of school and I'll probably catch you touching yourself for the first time... (gosh I dread that one).

I know you're gonna hate me for putting that on the FOREVER-lasting internet. Sorry, just the way I roll boys! Mommy has to embarrass you sometimes. It's a right of passage. I've been there, trust me. Plus, by the time you're old enough to be typing things on the internet, computers will probably be a thing of the past... maybe not. But something new will be the latest and the greatest, and people won't remember what a blog was.

That's the reason I want to write you, and share my experiences with you--other people might not remember what a blog was, but I will save these for you to read later in life.

Whether it's public, private or gets lost on the interweb, I want you to know who your mom is in the thick of it. I want you to know that I try to find ways to lighten the mood at any chance I get. Mommy just doesn't like to knee-deep in tears; that's not me. I don't want tears to constantly stream down my face. But there are days I have to feel it and this afternoon was just one of those days for me.

But I promise you, I will always try to find some light in the darkness. It's how we move through this life. And it's how you will move through yours.

That is one thing I know now after having both of you.

Life has purpose.

We aren't a bunch of wandering stars in galaxies; it's a pretty thought, but it's not true. God is there. I've never felt closer to Him. I doubted Him before, now I know he is in my heart.

Our story is proof of that. We've witnessed reason beyond reasoning this past year.

Never forget it, my loves.

With love forever and ever and always,
Mom

How I found out I was pregnant...again

If you haven't read my first pregnancy stories, you should do so here and here. Because some of the things I say may confuse you had you not already read them.

Let me start off by saying this was just as much as a surprise as our first.

We weren't trying. We were definitely practicing, but we weren't trying to have a second child just yet.

Let me just jump right in.

Ok. So what was the tell-tell sign this time? Sore boobs. Late period. The usual.

I did pee a lot but I already pee a lot so not a huge difference there.

I'd honestly thought I was pregnant earlier this year, but it turned out I was just late or completely forgot when my last period was and I thought I was late, only I was really on-time.

Needless to say, because of that scare, I was pretty sure I was just thinking I might be pregnant and then it would turn out I was wrong... again. I remembered I had two pregnancy tests stashed away from earlier this year, so early Saturday morning on Memorial weekend, I got up before the boys and took the test.

I was thinking "take the test, it will say negative and you can relax."

What I wasn't expecting was for it to come back and say "Nah, bitch you pregnant." Ok it really didn't say that, but that's what it felt like.

I had the Clearblue tests that reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant". But after"pregnant" popped up on the tiny screen--and my heart fell into my stomach--a little timer on the side was still blinking like it wasn't finished calculating.

I sat there and waited.

"Maybe the 'not' will pop up," I thought.

PSH.

Little did I know I purchased the test which calculates how far along you are. Once the timer quit blinking, "2-3 weeks" showed up on the screen...

I sat on the floor and stared at the floor.

Klay was clueless, asleep in our bedroom. This time, unlike the first, he had no idea I was taking a test so I was a little nervous about how he'd react.

The timing didn't seem quite right to be pregnant again, but I suppose it never does.

I decided to take the second test, just to be sure. I mean I know if it says you are, you are. And if it says you're not, you still could be, but I thought "just take the second one, might as well."

So, I did.

Same result.

YOU'RE KNOCKED UP AGAIN.

I just sat and cried in disbelief. I just didn't feel I was ready.

I was trying to get back on track with losing weight and trying to find a job. And, this just complicates things again.

Plus, Klay and I had gotten into a little tiff the night before over something dumb like the dishes. Normally we hash things out before going to bed. It's kind of one of our "rules," we try not to go to sleep angry. But I was freaking tired and didn't feel like talking about the dishes so I fell asleep.

So I wasn't sure how he'd react the next morning.

Meanwhile, I tried to think of a clever way to tell him I was pregnant. So I decided to make breakfast and coffee before he got up and thought I'd write it on his coffee cup. Clever enough for short notice.

So I wrote "2nd White Baby on the way! Drink up!"

He got up when he heard me moving around pans in the kitchen.

The first thing he did was hug and kiss me--a sign to show me he'd moved on from the night before. I felt my shoulders relax with relief.

I made pancakes and had some fresh fruit on the side.

I had to tell him I made coffee and already had a coffee cup sat out for him. I turned it so the message I wrote on the cup was away from him.

But before that he asked me if I wanted coffee and I said "no." And then when it came time to eat,
I told him I'd eat in minute and that I wasn't that hungry.

And he picked up on the strange vibe I guess.

"What's going on with you? You don't want coffee or want to eat? Should I be worried? Did you poison my food?" he laughed, joking about our argument the night before.

"Well I do watch a lot of 'Snapped,' but I wouldn't poison your food, it would be too obvious," I said trying to play it off.

"I'll eat," I said. "Just don't give me those two pancakes on the top. Those are for you," I joked.

Since our kitchen table was still outside we were eating on the floor.

It took him about 45 minutes to notice the message on the coffee cup.

I was waiting to see how he'd react. I had my phone ready so I could grab and record when he finally noticed the message.

Since his first words were "WTF" when we found out I was pregnant with Brody, I was eager to hear the first words to come out of his mouth this time.

And, guess what? He didn't disappoint.

"BULL SHIT!"

Sigh.

Only my husband.

I'd post photos and videos of this epic event, but unfortunately on Friday, my phone decided to stop working and I lost them all. No I didn't back up. I hate that shit. Takes forever. Those precious moments captured are lost forever I suppose. My fault. FML.

Best,

Pregnancy Sucks

I say it all in the title--pregnancy sucks.

For those of you freaks of nature who say they loved being pregnant, I call "bull shit" or you had quite possibly one of the easiest pregnancies ever. And if it's the latter, then I really just want to flip you off right now.

I know it sounds harsh. But listen, when you're throwing up 4-6 times a day, you're nauseated 24/7 (and it never goes away) and you're battling allergies, daily headaches and nothing ever sounds good enough to eat, you'd be flipping people off too.

I mean I really hoped this pregnancy would be better than my first, just so I could enjoy it more. The first time around you're nervous, all of this is new, and you worry about everything--or maybe that was just me. But this time I wanted to love it and really enjoy it because it might be my last pregnancy, I don't know.

But this pregnancy has been brutal.

At every week I've hoped the nausea would vanish, but I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I've been so so so nauseated every day, I can barely function. And it seemed even last week it was getting worse. I was becoming more nauseated in the morning and at night, gagging before my feet hit the floor and before I took all 5 million pills I have to take (fuck you giant prenatal vitamins). Not only that my heartburn has been brutal. Getting sick while you have heartburn freaking hurts. I'm afraid all this barfing is going to damage my esophagus.

The heat doesn't help. There is nothing specifically that makes me sick food-wise. Nothing sounds good.  Well the only thing that sounded good was chicken alfredo from Olive Garden--which I've probably had an embarrassing 20 times in the past two months.

But hey, if it makes me feel OK and it's the one thing I haven't gotten sick on, make me a fatty and give me all 1500 calories of that pasta-goodness.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was something specific or if it was only in the mornings or at night. But being nauseated all damn day, feeling like if I don't eat fast enough I might get sick, living in fear if I eat something different I might get sick, trying to figure out what to eat when nothing sounds good before I get sick. I'm just tired of paying for food and throwing it up.

Needless to say the nausea has been so bad, I barely get on my phone to get on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, because it makes me sick. So being on the computer blogging has been on the bottom of my list. Sorry guys. I feel like I'm losing momentum and I was so pumped about this blog a few months ago.

But if I'm being honest, it's not just the nausea that has gotten me down, there's more going on with this pregnancy.

Well first off, I have chronic high blood pressure. I had been doing well since I lost weight last year and not needed my BP meds, but the doc put me back on them and I have to take them twice a day. High BP puts me at risk for toxemia again and I don't want to have to be on magnesium like I was when I was in labor with Brody. It makes you feel terrible (migraine, feels like you have a fever, catheter before epidural, nausea).

So that's a disappointment. I'll just be crossing my fingers that taking the BP meds keeps me away from the toxemia/magnesium during labor.

The other thing is something I wasn't real sure I wanted to talk about on here because it could be a big deal, and it could not.

There is a hormone in the placenta called PAPP-A. Mine is significantly low, which means I will need regular sonos to ensure the baby is growing as it should. Basically from what I understand about it is that as the baby gets bigger, as I progress throughout my pregnancy, the weak placenta could make it difficult for the baby to continue to grow. If that happens, then we will deliver early.

Luckily, I found out from my doc that most of the time you don't see this happen until the third trimester. That makes me feel a little better. And who knows, maybe everything will be fine? I'm trying my best not to think about this stuff right now. I know it will upset me.

All I can say is that I'm so thankful for my family.

My husband who has burst into the ladies' room at restaurants to be with me as I'm getting sick, dropping everything to be with me every time I'm run to the bathroom in a hurry, comforting me every time I stand up after an episode in tears, making me lay down when I start to feel really bad, and taking me to Olive Garden to eat to make me feel better. I really won the lottery with him. He's so good to me and Brody. He's cooked dinner a lot lately because making food makes me nauseous, even after a hard day at work. I love that man so much. He will never know just how much I love him.

My Brody. He's been there when Daddy's at work, sitting there with me and rubbing my back when I get sick. "You feel sick, mama? Dada be home in a minute," he says not really knowing when Klay will be home but he knows that Dada will try to fix it. He cuddles with me when he knows I don't feel good, and he helps me by bringing me joy at the times I need it most. My little guy.

My mom who has listened to me bitch about this nausea everyday for the past 15 weeks. She's called everyday to check on me. She even came over to help me clean the house. She's helped me with Brody when I needed a break, especially when Klay was gone for three weeks working. She's taken me to Olive Garden, bought me to-go meals from Olive Garden so I wouldn't have to cook or worry about food, and then taken Brody home to stay the night with her so I could get some rest. Thanks mom. I love you more than you'll every know!

My sister, my dad and even my bro-in-law have even helped out too. My sister found some nausea bracelets and brought them to me in hopes that they would help. My dad came to pick me and Brody up one day because Klay was away working and took me to their house because I was so sick I couldn't drive. And my bro-in-law has brought Brody home from my mom's house so I wouldn't have to drive out there to get him. Thanks to them and all of my family for being there when I need it!

Thankfully, I'm happy to report the past four days I've felt so much better. The nausea has eased up quite a bit, so I'm not as nauseated throughout the day. I cooked three nights this week and I've feel about 50 percent better than I did. At least I feel much better than I have in such a long time, I forgot what feeling good feels like.

I'm hoping the extreme nausea has gone away for good, but I'd honestly be happy with just a few good days a week at this point.

Hence, that's why I'm writing right now! I feel good enough to be on the computer--maybe this will be my comeback to the blogosphere yet again.

I guess only time will tell.

Best,

The Unexpected

Some things in life you can't predict. I guess there isn't much you can really, except for maybe the weather and what might happen on your favorite tv show.

Unfortunately we aren't all Sylvia Brown's so we don't get a mental email alerting us to what our future may hold. Though I doubt that's really what it's like for her.

BUT I guess that's what life is all about right? The surprises. I don't necessarily want to know how the next 10 years of my life go, but I wouldn't mind a cliff notes version as to where I may end up and what path I should take (especially in my career).

But life isn't a novel or a movie or a tv show where no one has to go to the bathroom, do their make up or fix their hair. Unfortunately I don't wake up wearing make up though I'm sure that would be nice for my husband since he has to deal with the zombie-like mess that wakes up next to him. And I don't get out of the shower with make up already on, but that would be nice too. I seriously hate when they do that in the movies. NO woman looks that damn good when they get out of the shower. For example, I have a raccoon eyes from my mascara that just lingers around my eyes. #reallifetalk

It's just the way it is.

BUT again life is not a movie and I don't make out with Ryan Gosling in the rain when he tells me he's written me love letters for a year and I never got 'em, which is kind of a bummer. But on the flipside I married better than Ryan Gosling. I know women are rolling their eyes like "psh yeah right," but my husband is a total hottie, which is why we are in this mess.

LIFE is all about the surprises... the unexpected.

So what's the point of all this rambling nonsense?

Well my life has been turned upside a down, hence this thing I'm about to say is a huge deal and a huge part as to why I've been a complete basket case, 51 50 Amanda Bynes maniac lately. And will explain my lack of posts and the true chaos of how my life has been the past few weeks...

I



discovered



I


am








knocked


up



AGAIN.



I'm totes for reals.

I found out Memorial Day weekend.

So White Baby #2 is on the way. Enter stress here.

Can you believe it? I sure as hell can't. I mean I just started getting my office in shape and now I'm going to lose it because we will need space for the baby, which I'm cool with. I mean I did want a second child eventually, just NOW wasn't exactly ideal.

Needless to say, I had already been down, but this threw me for a bigger loop. I'm down about my weight, but I'm going to get bigger and fatter because that's what prego women do.

The job sitch is still the same. No luck.

I've been nauseated for this pretty much for the last two months and I can't seem to shake it.

Welcome to the first trimester. It effin blows.

So I'm a mess. A legit mess. But I am excited for a new baby. I miss the stages of life where your child lays on your chest and relaxes in mommy's arms. My two year old does everything BUT that. He's definitely developed a resistance to doing what I say. But I try to stick to my guns. He doesn't want to give me kisses or hugs or love as much as he used to, but he's all over Klay's nuts when he gets home. And that's good. I mean he loves his dad, but I get to be the bad cop in the whole good cop/bad cop shtick.

But when he does come up and hug me, it's the unexpected hugs and kisses that make your heart melt.

And I haven't been exactly a ball of fun these days. And I know Brody can see that and that hurts.

But Klay and I did go to the doctor and all looks good with baby #2. And there is only ONE baby in there.

Remember when I said I went to the ER? Well, it was because I'd been vomiting for more than 24 hours, and couldn't keep any fluids down, plus I couldn't pee, which for me and my itsy bitsy bladder (which is now a ca-zillion times worse since I'm prego again) is unusual and meant I was dehydrated.

We went to the ER and they gave me medicine through an IV that helped me with the nausea and I got some fluids in my system too. We also got to see the baby again. It was twice as big as it was the last time we saw it and it was kicking and moving around like crazy. That made me feel better that the baby was OK.

I also had a bout with constipation (I know TMI, but it's pregnancy woes so deal with it) the week before and then I had sinus crud and a sore throat on top of that. And to top that week off, I puked in a Lowe's parking lot right in front of Whataburger drive thru which had a line of cars staring as a got sick in the lot.

Klay was like "Do you want to move over here so the people at Whataburger aren't staring?"

"I don't care," I mumbled.

"Tough shit," I thought. "I'm pregnant. They just have to deal."

But Klay bent down in front of me and patted me on the back and comforted me to block those people from staring and thinking I got too drunk from the night before though it was just pregnancy sickness.

Then three days later, my grandpa passed away. We just had a LOT of stuff go wrong the past few weeks. And I have felt like poo for wayyyyy too long and then a death in the family... it's been rough. I'm ready to feel good again.

So there it is... this big secret I've been hiding for two and a half months.

Brody is going to be a big brother!

I can already tell this kid is going to give me hell. Cause I've literally gotten sick like 4-6 times a day. I've been absolutely miserable and too nauseated to be on the computer. I finally got some better nausea meds which have seemed to help me out the past week or so.

Now I'm 12 weeks prego and ready to kiss the first trimester goodbye and I'll be crossing my fingers this nausea goes along with it.

The truth is finally out there. Sorry I've been so miserable that I haven't blogged. I'll try to get back on track. But now you finally know why I've been a crazy, non-social person the last few months!

The truth has set me free.

;)

Best,

Life with a Two Year Old

I wrote this post last week. For those of you who know me personally know that my grandpa passed away today. Since it's a sad day for our family, I thought I would share this post with you guys to maybe brighten the day a bit.

I'll have an update soon as to why I've been gone the past week. Short version: I've been really sick and went to the ER this week. I am better now. More to come on that later.

But needless to say it's been a really rough two weeks around here. So I apologize for the lack of posts and I'm trying to get back on track. Here goes a series of reasons why I normally go a little nutzo during the week.

--

There are days where I feel like I'm going to go crazy.

But you know that already with my lack of posts or posts lately complaining about my current life sitch.

Well, I thought I'd clue you guys in on why I honestly feel like I'm going a little nuts. Between playing "POW POW" and changing diapers (still in the diaper-phase unfortunately) and the mess that is my house (I blame my kid for that), life with a two year old is kinda crazy.

If I'm trying to do something, like put on my make up for example things like this happens...

This is what I call my life with a two year old:

"Mama, here you go!" Brody hands me a box of cherry tomatoes.

 "No Brody take it back" as I say as I apply my mascara.

"You don't want 'matoes? Heeere." He shoves them to my stomach.

"No baby, take them back where you got them."

"I don't want to mama."

"Take them back," I command.

He gives me a look like "I'm going to take them somewhere and make a mess" if you want me to do something with 'em.

I sigh and get up and grab the tomatoes back and place them higher up where he can't reach.

"Mama, I want 'matoes!!!" he cries.

Sigh.

----

"Brody, go put back the body wash," I say.

"I want lotion on," he replies.

"It's not lotion, honey, it's body wash," I say as I try to pay a bill online. He walks out with body wash and I notice it later in the day on the floor somewhere, but never find the time to put it back.

8 p.m.

"Brody want to take a bath?" I ask.

"I want take a bath!" he yells running to the bath.

I look around and realize the body wash is MIA.

"Brody where is your body wash?"

"Where the body wash go mama?"

The body wash cannot be found. And therefore is lost forever.

 Sigh.

----

"Mama, I throw lemon to you!"

Gasp! "No, no baby don't throw the lemon at me. Lemon will bust open. Take it back where you found it."

"You don't want me throw the lemon at you?" he asks.

"No we don't throw lemons. Go put it back where you found it."

"I throw it at purse?" he asks.

"No. Don't throw it at my purse." I laugh.

"I throw it at fan?"

"No don't throw it at the fan. It will burst."

"It will burssss?"

"Yes, now go put it up where you found it."

"Ooook," he says marching off to the kitchen. I follow him to see if he puts it back. He throws it at the bowl of lemons on a shelf and it falls to the floor.

"No don't throw it!"

"I put lemon back."

(Later on I discover why he wanted to throw lemons... Dada and Brody threw lemons at each other the day before... Mom was unaware.

SIGH.

----

The house is quiet. I hear no noise from a little two year old boy, so I know something is up. Unfortunately I have a massive headache so things that I'd usually care about, I don't at the moment.

But I needed to check on him.

"Brody what are you doing?" I ask sitting up on the couch looking over by the end table.

"I wiping nose."

I see all of the kleenex's on the floor as he sits in a sea of white tissues. Not one is left in the box.

"Brody!"

Sigh.

----

In the shower washing my hair when I hear...

"Mama, you taking a showah?"

"Yes I'm taking a shower."

I hear him walk out of the bathroom and reenter the room.

"Here!" he says.

I look down to him handing me my cell phone.

Gasp!

"No no baby take in back."

"You don't want your phone mama?"

"Thank you, but I don't need it. It will get wet and break."

"OK. I'll be right back."

Well that could have been worse.

Sigh.

----

Drying my hair and I hear "Mama, I poo poo."

Sigh

----

Life with a two year old isn't easy and kinda sucks at times, but he does make up for it--when he's sleeping.

HAHA I kid.

But the sleeping is always so cute. They are so calm, quiet and peaceful.

But most of the time, life is like this...

"Wanna go for a swim in baby powder?"

Hope life is a little less crazy for you out there in bloglandia,

Bad Blogger

OK. I know what you're thinking.

Where the hell have you been? 

My theme song for my life should be "Bad" by Michael Jackson because I have been bad. I'm BAD. You know it. I've been a very, very bad blogger.

There is literally so much stuff going on in my life right now and about a ca-trillion things that are making me worry, upset and stress the F out.

From the do-it-yourself-kitchen-table project that's been sitting the garage for over a month and the now empty, torn up space that displays the studs and insulation in my bathroom wall where my bathtub used to be (and due to a crack needs to be replaced) to the jobless life I still have and depression over my weight gain, I'm a complete, full on, you-should-feel-sorry-for-my-husband basket case.

And so I apologize for my lack of posts lately. I've felt uninspired and really freaking negative right now.

I know worrying about things literally gets me no where and sitting on my ass and not exercising will keep me fat, but I honestly am lacking motivation in all of life's little departments (health, losing weight, job searching, finding ways to make money, etc).

This house is becoming more like a prison from which I cannot escape.

I love being Brody's mom and Klay's wife. And I AM thankful for those guys daily.

I'm just not challenged or mentally stimulated in life like I want to be. Since it seems virtually impossible to land an interview for a job, I've contemplated on starting my own business venture. Maybe an online clothes boutique? Those seem to be doing pretty well and I think it'd be pretty fun. But I don't know. Of course what stops that idea in its tracks is the fact that I could completely, utterly and epically fail.

And that's sad. I used to be daring and willing to challenge myself and if it didn't work out then maybe it just wasn't meant to be. But now I'm so blinded by the idea of failure that I'm really pretty much not willing to try out anything. I just wonder where my boldness went.

I always thought I'd have this grand career and I'd be juggling a career with a corner office with being a mommy, but the first thing seems to not be in my future any time soon. I know, I'm so negative right now.

I am. I know it. And my inner Negative Nancy is shaking her tail feather at everything I think about or talk about.

And
I
can't
snap
out
of
it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in this world struggling. And I know that's not true by a long shot. I know that I am blessed to live the life I live with ones I share it with.

But I feel like NO one gets what I'm going through.

Just when I thought I was so excited about blogging, I lose my drive to do it. And, I've been pretty busy, but last week I could of posted more, I just didn't feel like I had anything incredibly interesting to say. Enter bad blogger status.

And this post doesn't really have a point besides complaining about my life and the career which I don't have. See there goes Negative Nancy again, throwing that shit in my face.

This sucks. Admitting how I feel. I had a huge emotional breakdown today and I was seriously a MESS. And I've also taking that to a physical level too. My hair hasn't felt the heat of a blow dryer in more than a week which means I pretty much look like Albert Einstein on crack.

My life a few years ago seemed to be headed in a great direction and I'm not really sure if my life is heading any direction now.

But hey! On the flipside, I did put on make up today. #WIN

Virtual high-five to a make-upped Cass and the fact that my hair was touched by a straightener today. #smallwinsthatcount

Hope all is grand elsewhere in the blogosphere,

M.I.A

So I know I've been a little M.I.A this past two weeks.

I've posted less. I've been on social media less. I've just been COMPLETELY out of the loop.

SO here it goes. My list of reasons why I've been a complete and total bum.

1. We went to Mena, Arkansas last weekend (and by last weekend, I mean the last weekend of May). Klay and I joined some friends of ours for a weekend full of ATV/four wheeler riding among the hills and engulfed in nature in the Wolf Pen Gap. It was fun, except since coming home from Alaska I'm not as into the nature thing and the four wheeler thing and the getting dirty thing like I used to be. So I wasn't looking forward to it quite as much as I would have been a few years ago. But it ended up being a lot of fun! Needless to say, riding for eight hours a day on a four wheeler completely wiped me out after we got back, which means my house has suffered, the laundry has suffered, and I just need to kick my ass back into high gear before my house gets condemned. 
2. Orange is the New Black season two became available Friday, so I've been a couch potato most of the weekend binge watching episodes. If we were in prison you'd want to bet your best cigarette-smuggling cockroach that I've probably gained five pounds from sitting on my ass all weekend.
3. I've been trying to apply for more jobs and even took my resume to a place for a better shot at getting to talk to someone. No news yet. I mean I can't believe when I walked in like this, they didn't find it funny.
4. I participated in a fun, happy hour online blogging thing with some new bloggers last week. Us newbies got some awesome tips from Erin over at Living in Yellow. If you're not following Erin, you should be. She's awesome, funny and super sweet. You'll love her! As for the other gals, I will be collab-ing with them soon which is exciting! The only issue with this online Google Hangout thing was that my internet kept being a complete douche monkey and sometimes logged me out of the convo. #internetproblems
5. From watching my sweet baby niece last week to graduation parties, life has been a little busier than the usual the past few weeks. And because of my busier than usual life, I've been so tired, all I want to do is sit and watch TV or sleep. So when Klay came home all last week and wanted me to cook dinner, I pulled this card.

So I'm sorry I've been out of the blogging game and dragging my heels. I'm back now! I just need a venti white chocolate mocha and a 300 lb man yelling in my ear to get up and get shit done.

Either that or money to hire a maid.

I think I like the latter.

Best,

Three-Day Weekend Blues

I know it was a three-day weekend for most of you business folks.

You probably spent the weekend basking in the three-day weekend glory like this guy.

And today, now that you're holiday weekend is over, you may feel like this at work today.

It's hard to get your mind wrapped back around the idea of working. Trust me, I've been there. I know how hard it is.

 And everyone has talked and shared on social media about how they spent their Memorial Day weekend.

Lots of you had cookouts with your friends.

Lots of you went swimming and hung out around a pool.

Lots of you were at the lake and on a boat.

All of you drank. Well, most of you did.

I didn't do any of those things.

Well, I kinda cooked out with my sister, but other than that, I didn't get in a pool or on a boat and probably should have a bottle or two o' wine, but didn't manage to get my hands on any.

Klay and I spent the weekend attempting to get some house projects finished, which didn't happen. They are still sitting there with a capital "I" next to them like school when you got an "incomplete."

Interestingly enough, our Memorial Weekend wasn't that interesting. We hung, we ate, we chilled. That about sums it up.

In other news since you are probably reading this at work, you're a naughty naughty beast. #yolo

I kid. But I figured since many of you are spending your days wasting away in a grey cubicle, I'd send you a few things that will brighten your day.

Don't worry. Here are some things on this list you can use and download, and others, well it's just for humor purposes only.

Go on a walk during lunch. The fresh air could do you some good. And stay off your phone while you're at it. Enjoy your time away from technology and take a breather. Unless of course, you're reading this blog. ;) Just be glad you don't have to watch for zombies.

Don't panic. It's a short work week. By the time you've read this post, you only have two more days til the weekend. And you can drink or hang out with your dogs or drink and hang out with your dogs. Whatever suits you. 

I mean things could be worse. You could have this guy for your boss.

Be glad you're not the person who created this disturbing, useless office item. No, it's not a USB. But when you hook it up to your USB port, the dog comes to life to simulate "humping," as if it's hunching your computer. I'll pass.

OK. This one is for real.

Organize your desktop with style. Rekita over at Her and Nicole has some amazing, free options to make your office computer-background look profesh and clean in seconds. I love this one and downloaded it for my computer because my desktop needed some major organizing. PS. You should follow her while you head over to visit her. I recently became obsessed with her blog. She's incredible and super sweet. And her designs are the bee's knees.

Hope you guys have an amazing work week! Or what's left of it. 

How do you make your days better at the office?

PART Two: That Time I Found Out I Was Pregnant

Read "That Time I Found Out I was Pregnant" first.

Brody @ 9 weeks

WTF is right. 

Now wasn't exactly the time I wanted to be pregnant.

We had just moved home. Yes, we were married for four years at that point, but we were living at my parents' house trying to find us some new digs.

But this meant I got knocked up in parents' house, as a married woman, and I'd be searching for a home with a deadline now; I'd definitely want to be in the house before the baby was born.

In shock, and after his "WTF" moment, Klay and I sat on separate couches and didn't talk or touch for 20 minutes. We'd done enough of all that.

We were stunned. We couldn't believe this was really happening.

I called my sister bawling. She calmed me down and assured me things would be OK. She guessed it before I ever said anything. Not sure how she knew. Well, I'm guessing the crying tipped her off.

We decided we were going to tell Klay's parents first. Their excitement would take away some of my worry when I told my mom and dad.

Yes, I was worried about what they'd say because we were living in their house, looking for a new place to live, and this wasn't exactly planned. Plus, now we had a time constraint to find the right house for the right price and move in and prepare the baby's room all in a matter of months.

I decided I wanted to find a cute way to announce it to both our parents. Klay's parents were up first.

My PLAN: Put a few balloons in a box and give it to his parents. When they opened it, the balloons would float up and say "Baby" and/or "Congrats" so they knew they were going to be grandparents.

And then, I thought, I'll get a plain balloon and write "Baby On The Way!" Genius, right?

I know, people do this all the time now for gender reveals, but this was waaaaayyyy before I got on Pinterest and became a pinning-whore. So at least I thought it was "genius."

Klay and I go to CVS. I'm still a complete basket case, and I nervously purchase three balloons, hoping no one we know sees us.

Here are the balloons I bought:

1. "Congrats" 
2. "Baby"
3. And a plain one

I asked the fella that worked there for a marker and I wrote on them (while they're not inflated).

On the "Congrats" balloon, I write "grandparents" underneath the word "Congrats".

Then I started to write on the plain one.

Our last name is White for those you who don't know.

I'm a nervous wreck and scared someone we know will walk in and see what we are doing. So I'm trying to get this done as soon as possible.

I thoughtlessly wrote "White Baby On The Way!"

The guy who is about to blow up the balloons is Hispanic. He looks at it confused and looks up at me, like WTF?

Then it hit me.

"Oh. Oh, no! White is our last name," I shouted trying to rectify myself.

Klay laughed at me as the guy shook his head and went to blow up the balloons.

#lastnameproblems

The last balloon I corrected and wrote "Baby White on the way!"

Either way, it was true. Baby White was on the way and we were having a white baby.

At least, we hoped Klay was the father.

HA! I kid, I kid.

Needless to say, his parents got a good laugh and everyone else at my expense.

We did the same thing with my parents except I put the right wording on the balloons this time so it didn't look like I was announcing the color of our unborn baby's skin. Um, I can only imagine what that guy thought when he saw my balloons...

PS. My mom and dad were happy when we announced it to them too. All of that worry was for nothin'...

And that's how I handled finding out I was pregnant.

EPIC FAIL.

Do you have any mishaps when you tried to announce you were knocked up?

Hello New Readers!

I'm noticing I'm getting quite a few views thanks to Holly's shoutout over at "Where we can live like Jack and Sally." She totally rocks, right? I'm pretty much obsessed with her and I just want to ask her...

She's the best.

Anywho, I thought I'd make a post just for the newbies on my page.

Take a look at my "About Me" page--though I'll admit is pretty horrible; at least, I think so.

Who wants to write an about me? It's hell-a awkward. But you'll learn a little about me, my family, where I live (in Texas), etc etc.

But I can give you a quick rundown in 5 seconds.

• I'm married to this hot guy I met in high school. He joined the Air Force. We were stationed in Alaska--BRRRR--where we lived for three years. Moving from TX to AK was a change, but...

• We drove home from Alaska to Texas (documented on the blog) when he transitioned from Active Duty to the Reserves--moving back to Texas to be close to family.

• He knocked me up only after nearly two months at home. We were living with my parents and trying to find a place to call our own. #fertilemertile

• We had our son (who is now two years old), he's adorable and the light of my life and all that. He is. I'm not being sarcastic. I've been a stay at home mom since he was born--which means I'm about to go ape shit like 90 percent of the time. Get that 51 50 hold ready folks. She'll crack pretty soon. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Think Amanda Bynes.

• Now I'm blogging and making the world laugh at me. Who knew this could be so much fun!? 

Also stop by the "Favorites" page. It has some of my most popular posts. If there is one you should read it would be "The Color Purple" and "Why I Hate My Vagina."

Oh, I went there.

And people thought it was hilarious. Go figure. Who doesn't love a little va-jay-jay talk to kick off your day?

Make sure to follow me on Instagram, Facebook and GFC. And feel free to comment below! I'd love to hear from ya!

When I Fell In Love at First Sight

This story is about the first time I fell in love at first sight. Yes, it happened to me, and no, it wasn't with my husband. Sorry, babe. 

This juicy story is about a fella I will not name, so some of the details will be vague. So, here it goes.

I walked into a room. It was mostly empty, but a few others scattered around. It didn't take me long to notice him. He looked up; his brown eyes following me as I neared him. 

His eyes and his hair were the first things I noticed. He was definitely the cutest in the room, at least from what I saw of it, but now my focus was on him. 

He watched me as I walked closer, weary if I would stop or not. But some unimaginable force pulled me toward him. I wasn’t able to just walk by, so I stopped as I came up next to him. His eyes drew me in as I sat down with him.

It was a bold move on my part. I knew if I stopped and spent any time with this handsome boy, I wouldn't be able to leave him. I spoke first and asked him his name. 

He was sweet and a little shy. I could tell he wanted me to stay. There was something I could see in his eyes that told me had been hurt before. I knew I wouldn’t be able to refuse him. I needed to learn more about him and where he came from.

In a matter of minutes I could tell he felt the same about me as I did him.

We decided to get some privacy and moved into another room. This room had a few chairs to sit, but we opted for the floor so we could be closer to each other. 

He playfully flirted with me and I was hooked. He was adorable and a little timid, but he was going to be mine; there was no doubt about it. 

But I belonged to another--to Klay. Yes, I was with Klay. In fact, Klay was in the building with me when I met him.

I know that sounds terrible. 

How could I want this and be in love and in a relationship--a happy relationship--with another?

I wasn't thinking about it then. I was living in the moment. I wanted to get to know him.

And then out of nowhere he kissed me. I'd just met him and he kissed me.

I was smitten. 

Though I wasn’t sure how to explain this all to Klay.

When I left the room, I immediately found and told Klay what happened. He was calm, but a little unsure, yet he told me he understood. We all aren't perfect, guys, so my husband gave me a hall pass.

But with the pass came a catch--he wanted to meet the fella who kissed me.

So I went and nervously introduced them. I wanted Klay to like him and understand some of us have connections with each other right off the bat. 

He wasn’t what Klay expected, but Klay and him really hit it off, even though he'd just kissed his gal. 

Klay even invited him to come stay with us. Weird right?

The fella was in between places at the moment. 

Yall, he even slept in our bed--it's a king size so we all fit. It was the only place he could sleep. 

We learned a lot about him. He had been hurt in his past. He was lonely and looking for love--and wanted to be a part of a family. 

And guess what? We still talk to him daily. 

Our relationship is complicated though. Some days he likes me, other days he want nothing to do with me. And it’s the same with Klay.

His downfall: he's a little clingy and moody.

I mean just the other day he snapped at me when I asked him to move over.

But those eyes get me every time. I won’t break it off even when I'm mad at him--even when he tears up something of mine for attention. I can't do it. 

He let's me know when he's mad, he hates thunderstorms and he has definitely the biggest weenie I've ever seen.

Did I say HAS? Oh I meant he IS the biggest weenie I've ever seen.

If you haven't figured it out now, I'm talking about my 24-pound weenie dog Billie. 

This post is a vague account of how I first saw him locked in a cage at an animal shelter. 

Billie was my love affair. I love that little guy. I mean who wouldn't fall in love with this sweet face!?

Hope you guys were wondering what the EFF was going on! LOL.


Sorry, I couldn't help myself!

Reppin' my second link up evaaaaaahh.

So, I'm linking up w/ some fellow bloggin' gals! This is my second link up LIKE ever--and this one is extra awesome because anyone can participate! 

How you ask?

With that simple little four-lined symbol that I'm guilty of using all too much—the hashtag—duh!

Simply add #totalsocial with your post about a “first” on your Twitter, Instagram or Facebook, whichever social media site/app suits you. 

Two incredibly amazing gals I stalk follow, Helene In Between & Venus Trapped In Mars are the hosts of this NEW monthly linkup! If you're not following them, you're missing out on some good shizzz.

So the theme for this month is firsts--since this was the time I fell in love at FIRST sight, I guess this counts right!?

 Tell everyone about your first anything--the first time you kissed a boy, your first Instagram post, your first day of school, your first drink of alcohol or whatever suits your fancy!

C’mon you can do it, it will be fun! 
I believe in you. 
OK. Just do it so I have something to look at on social media, please!? I'm getting tired of hearing about "Roman having an OK day, getting a Coke ZERO and raising the roof!"
 Incorrigible!

#moviereference

If you don't know it, then you won't get an 'A' in movie lit. ;)

Tag me too if you want, I’d love to see what you post!

Are you linking up!? What's a good first story that you wanna share?