Why I Hate My Vagina

OK.

The title is a bit harsh, I know.

BUT!

My vagina hates me.

And, I'm starting to hate it back.

Many of you read about my vagina problems here, and, guess what?

They didn't go away.

"The Color Purple" post was actually written a week prior to when I posted it. And this post was written on April 9th, so I'm happy to report my lady parts are back to normal.

I debated and went back and forth on whether or not to actually publish the original post. Airing out my vagina probs with the world wasn't exactly easy to do.

Ultimately, I decided to go for it. This is my page to write whatever I want and I would totally tell this story around my girlfriends, so why not here?



And I think the only guy who follows my blog is my husband anyway! And he, ahem, knows what I'm working with.

So let me start where I ended "The Color Purple" post...

I'm using some GIFs to help tell this story.

After my cycle ended, my YI symptoms began to return. And, about 9248923492 times worse than before; and, I mean it when I say 9248923492 times worse.

I was literally going crazy.



I was now going on seven weeks with this yeast infection bull.

SO, I called my gynecologist again and scheduled an appointment for Monday (the day of the 3D Crest/ELLE event).

The appointment was early and in Dallas, so I was up and at 'em earlier than usual. And, I didn't have my coffee so I put on the most hideous outfit known to man with no thought of having to be in the public eye while shopping for clothes for the soiree later that evening.

Ya'll should have seen some of the looks I got. 

I had plenty of "WTF-is-she-wearing looks" thrown my way. But I really didn't care. I had a busy day.



I walked into the doctor's office tired, feeling fat, and anxious to see my doc. Let me fast-forward for you...

So I am laying down, feet up in the air, with my lady parts exposed for the doc to examine...

What do you think happened next?

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you should know it can't be good...

She
painted
me
purple
AGAIN.



Ya'll, I can't make this shit up. And I know that's how you feel... as you laugh at my medical probs.

I didn't have my vagina painted purple once, but twice. Ugh, only me.

If you remember I did mention in the original post, things normally don't work right for me medically the first time around... I always have to go back to the doctor. I should have known this wouldn't go away like it "should."

So now, it's back to looking like an ink pen busted in my undies again. #purplevaginaprobs

And this time she "got it really good," she said... whatever that means. It took her a little longer to "paint" me up, and she event signed her name on my thigh!

LOL, I'm kidding.

The only good thing from all of this... maybe I can go on a Victoria's Secret splurge for new undies. I'm gonna need them.

After I left the doctor, I was incredibly frustrated but had to shift my focus to finding an outfit for the event later night.

I went to a nearby Dallas mall and found nothing. The only thing Forever 21 had was crop tops.
Um, no thanks.

And, then I thought. Maybe that's why it's called Forever 21, for those 21-ers. Am I too old to shop there now? I'd pick up something and say to myself "Who the hell wears this crap?"

This is how I felt while going through the store...



I met Klay for a quick lunch and told him my va-jay-jay was 50 shades of violet again. His reaction:



He then asks, "So, what color are they going to do next if this doesn't work? Yellow? Green? Orange?"

"Um, honey, I don't think it works that way."

The things he says sometimes!

I headed to an outlet mall near Mom's house after lunch. I always shop at Maurices because I can usually find a ton of options there, so if you every want to buy me a present, ahem!, a gift card there would be amaze balls.

And, I found a lot of cute clothes, shoes and jewelry that's off the chain (pun intended).



After leaving there, I rushed to mom's picked up Brody, had her paint my toenails because I don't know how. I was a tomboy growing up ya'll; don't judge. And, side note: there are several other things I don't know how to do--whistle or blow up a balloon. I think it's a blonde thing. #blondestruggles

Here's a list of reasons why I hate my vagina:

                

1. She's a pain in my ass. Don't take that literally because then I'd have a real medical condition. But lately she's done nothing but cause me frustration and irritation (that you can take literally).
2. She requires a lot of maintenance. I was reading in Cosmopolitan the other day, and most women go full brazilian down south. Nough said.
3. She's expensive. And, with all this YI BS I've had to use too many creams, pantiliners, pads, etc. I'm paying for the light bill at the Always Factory this month for sure. #canIgetadiscount
4. She's guaranteed to make me a complete basket case at least one week a month. Mother Nature comes a callin' with a vengeance...
5. She clearly has a cruel sense of humor. From YI's to painting it purple, she's given my readers and maybe even me a few laughs.

And, just like in my first post, I got a call from my awesome nurse--shout out to Melissa--who informed me it wasn't a yeast infection AGAIN. I painted my vagina TWICE for no reason.

Apparently it's all in my head.



I'm glad I got that off my chest!

Let me know what you thought of this post! What GIF would describe your day today? Comment below!

Don't forget to become a follower and share this blog with your friends and family. If I get 20 more likes on FB and 30 followers on this blog, Klay and I will play egg roulette!



 

The Color Purple

Do you ever feel like your life is in a rut?
And, no matter what you do you can't get out of it?

Um.
Yeah.
That's me.

I'm stuck in a rut and it blows.
Blows big chunks everywhere...
But since I'm in the rut...
The chunks keep coming back and smacking me in the face.

Oh what? You think that's gross?
Ha.
Just wait.
This will be the most epic post yet.
You'll see.

Men, you should turn back now while you have the chance. Don't say, I didn't warn you...

So it all started about a month ago after Brody and Swayze's joint-birthday bash. I'd been stressing about the party for a few weeks, and then I got sick with some sinus crap so I was on antibiotics for two weeks because nothing would quite get rid of my gnarly infection.

If you're a woman and know anything about antibiotics, you can probably figure out what's coming next.

(Men, if there are any reading, you may want to steer clear of this post; second warning!)

#femaleissues

Combine antibiotics and stress and what do you get? DING DING DING.

Yep, it's your classic case YI aka yeast infection.

I know, I know... It's gross for some folks. But most of us women will get at least one in our lifetime... It's a medical thing, ya'll, so don't freak out and stop reading. You'll be rolling on the floor by the end, I promise.

And if you're offended by this... sorry, not sorry. If we were in a doctor's office talking, it wouldn't be a big deal. If it makes you feel better, pretend like you're reading this at your doctor's office. And you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for yo mama's lady parts... so if you don't like it, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!

I'll be honest; I debated on talking about my lady parts...

Buuuuttt I figured if you know me (and I mean know me, know me) I'm not the one to shy away from this kind of conversation. I tend to over-share... that's just who I am. I usually make you feel better about yourself by the end of a story through my experiences and this one is no different.

Plus, I've never heard of this before... and I'm guessing you haven't either.

Needless to say, it started on the Monday after the birthday party. I finally made it to the store Wednesday to buy an over-the-counter treatment. By that Friday, it hadn't got better so I called my OB-GYN. She called in a strong prescription that's apparently hard to come by in pharmacies because my pharmacy (CVS) called informing me they didn't have it on their shelf. Since it was Friday, the earliest I'd get it would be Monday.

They tried to call a few other CVS's around the area and none of them had it either. They did call Walgreens and they had it! I was so relieved that I was going to get some relief, so I sent Klay to pick it up. #noshameinmygame

About an hour later, Klay called and said that Walgreens doesn't take our insurance. Just MY luck... It was going to be $100 for the one-time treatment. Psh, puh-lease... not gonna fly.

I called a few other places in town (Walmart, Kroger, Brookshires) and they all took my insurance, but none had it on the shelf. FIGURES! 

Of course the only one who had it on their shelf in a 30-mile range from my house was the one that didn't take our insurance... sometimes I think the world works against me.

So I called the doc and left a message (now it was past 5 o'clock on a Friday, so I thought I may not get a reply). They called me back and called in a less potent 'script I could try and get that day.

I did the three-day prescribed treatment and by Monday I didn't feel any different. I go to see my gynecologist but she is out for the day, so I see the nurse practitioner instead. I was swabbed and told to continue to use external cream and it should go away.

A week later, it was still not better.

I go back and see my lady doctor this time. The results came back from the week prior and revealed I had a really resistant yeast that's extremely difficult to get rid of. Uh, DUH!

She gives me the same medicine I was trying to get my hands on two weeks prior, but no one had it on the shelves. UGH. FML. If I'd had known it would be this bad, I would have ordered it and waited til the pharmacy got it in.

Now it had been more than three weeks with the YI.

Early last week, it STILL didn't seem to be getting much better...

So I go back to the doctor...

What's my next option? #areyoureadyforthis

Purple lady parts.

Say what now?

Yep, you read that right. Dye my lady parts a lovely shade of purple.

Like Minnesota-Vikings-purple, Barney-purple, Purple-people-eater-purple (my longtime BFF, Brittany, will love that one)... I'm running low on purple references, but you get the idea.

You mean a purple va-jay-jay could solve this problem? Pssh... Well why didn't you say so?

Ha. I'm kidding. I wasn't too pumped about painting my lady parts. This stuff (it's gentian violet used to treat YI and thrush in babies) will stain your who-ha and by stain, I mean like permanent-marker-kind-of stain, which means it's going to be around for a while.

Oh what to do, what to do?

I did feel just a smidge better the day before the doctor appointment. But with my history of getting rid of illnesses or having unexpected things pop-up, things would probably go awry.

See, I'm not the usual patient who gets the usual meds and it works right away... I'm the one who has the unfortunate, unexpected, unusual things happen (that was a bunch u-adjectives, virtual high-five to my word nerds out there... you know who you are!).

Thank God, I have a loving, understanding husband and good insurance.

He's seen a lot worse from me, ya'll. And even more disgusting and embarrassing things (than a purple vagina) that I care to share. Well, I'd share them with ya, but now's not exactly the time.

Klay has had to clean up a time or two after me, as I have him.

"In sickness and in health," right? But for my poor fella has dealt with more sickness on my end than health.

Our marriage is an open book, so #Iaintneverscared to tell, share, or show him the issues I may be having. That hashtag was a rap song reference, if you didn't catch it... #bonecrusher #highschoolrapsongs

Needless to say, I told the doc "to paint her masterpiece" and now have a purple-y goodness down south. And no, I didn't get to pick the shade of purple I wanted.

Hello pretty vagina!

Boom... nailed it.

OR at least I thought I did.

Two days after my goodies were Picasso-ed, mother nature came calling. Just pile it all on at once, why don't cha? 

Then as I'm typing this post, my doctor's nurse calls. The swabs from the day I got...ahem...painted came back negative--no yeast. Looks like this whole pretty vagina thing wasn't necessary after all...

Another week or two till this painted va-jay-jay gets back to normal.

At least my husband is getting his amusement out of this. He's constantly joking about how he smells grape, asking me if I inked myself or if I'm still baking bread.

Only I would have my vagina painted purple for no reason...

I'm just keeping things interesting in the bedroom.

On the flip-side, I have a husband who loves me no matter what shade my vagina is. #winning

Do you have a crazy, embarrassing story to share? Please tell me I'm not the only one in the Purple Vagina Club (PVC). Message, email me or comment below!

Sincerely,



President of the PVC

Read the kind of sequel to this post title "Why I Hate My Vagina."