Friday, June 19, 2015

On Pause

I have so many "draft" posts saved in on my blog, it's ridic (p.s. some dictionary folks added that to the dictionary this week, now that's really ridic).

But honestly because I don't feel like computing (LOL) one day so I'll just think "I'll do it later," and the posts just add up.

OR  something else happens medically or to us in our household and I feel like I can never get my head above water to finish a full post for you guys.

Right now, emotionally I feel like I need some purpose--a hobby or a job. I know I can't get a job right now, but I need something to do. Everyone tells me "you need to write a book" and I'm like "about what?"

I just feel useless.

I have no talents--besides birthing cute children--and I know people read this blog, but I need to put time in it and I don't even know where to begin? How do I talk about all that's happened? And what's my angle? I'm sure there are plenty of "cancer books" out there that are probably great reads. But what makes mine different? What makes me and my story so unique?

I'm just struggling with that right now. What to do with my "life"--or right now my "cancer life"--cause it's totally different from normal life.

Will I ever get to a normal life again?

Although this blog gets a lot of attention, I wonder "is because of my sad, cancer story or is it because  I know how to write and they would read cancer or not."

It's hard when I wonder about my future--those "how is it going to end" moments. I need to live and fight for today but it's hard. I have my anxieties and everyone else's on my shoulders about all of this.

Every week is a constant "who is going to help Cass with the kids this week?" Mostly, Actually, ALWAYS it's my mom who stays with me and helps with the kids, but she needs a break.

And then when Klay goes to the Reserves one weekend a month that makes things even harder. Mom's watched the kids at my house with me all week and now she has to help out on the weekends. My sister came and stayed with me one day, all day, but she has kids too and a family she needs to take care of (and my nieces have been sick one week after the next).

The "who's doing what?" game is exhausting. "Who's taking Cass to the hospital? Who's watching the boys? Who's gonna stop and get more formula, more groceries?"

It stresses me out.

So beyond having my head wrapped around when and where and how I'm going to get to my appointments and who's watching the kids... I'm trying to figure out something to do for me.

Because all day, every day in this "cancer-life" I'm wondering about the future. I want to live a life beyond the "C" word. I'm tired of hearing about it and dealing with it.

And it hasn't even been a year yet.

I feel like my life is stagnant--never moving forward.

Sure people tell you, "you will beat this" all the time, but I just don't believe it when they say it. Why? I don't know. I want to. I just kind of look away at the ground and feel awkward. I guess the reason is because no one knows what's going to happen to me. But I have to just believe I will get better.

If I live everyday in fear of what could happen, I'm not really living.

I know this I have two beautiful boys and one handsome husband. And I love them so much.

But all I do is stay cooped up in the house with the kids, of course, and worry. The only time I get out of the house is to go to the doctor. Not exactly living the "good" life.


My life is on pause.
What about having a career?
Or doing something for myself?
I know I have to get better before I can ever think about doing something for me.

Maybe I should get back on my zoloft since I missed a few this weeks cause this post is bumming me out. #oops #depressionmeds

The good thing is, nothing has changed medically. I mean there were a few weeks where I fainted, and I was dizzy a lot and running into walls... I knew the walls were there but I was kind of like "get out of my way, wall" and it didn't move. I was some medicine that was really too much for my system and that's what they think contributed to that. It was pretty scary. I was very unbalanced, couldn't walk a straight line to save my life--not that I could even do that on a good day. My legs, though, they hate me for all of the bumps and falling and whatnot. #bruiseserrywhere

But other than that, I am 100% donor and there are no leukemia blasts in my system, which would mean the transplant is working and I'm cancer free (things could always change).

I'm just hoping it stays that way. I want to get better and be able to do things with my kids (outside of the house). I'm just living a life of fear. I'm scared if I eat the wrong thing, I'll get sick. If I'm around a sick person, I'll get sick. If I go to the store or touch anything in a store, I'll get sick. I don't want to feel like that any more. I just want to live.

One positive note--Orange is the New Black is already on Netflix. I'll binge watch that in two days and then be bored again. LOL.

Today, I'm at the hospital supposed to see the doctor. I found out I have to do these hour-long breathing treatments once a month for a year. And it tastes like shit. FML.

Here's a sneak peek at my next blog--wig shopping or robbing a bank?

Cheers to wearing a small condom on your head,