No Baby?

And my heart sank...

"Your chemotherapy and your stem cell transplant will most likely only give you less than a 25% chance to have another baby," my oncologist told me.

I'd just had my precious baby Beckham a few weeks prior. He was still in the hospital fighting to be a normal baby and get the heck out of the special care nursery.

But the second my doctor finished that sentence, I immediately wanted another baby.

After the miserable pregnancy I had with Beckham--with severe morning sickness, which was more like all day and night sickness for 23 weeks--I was pretty sure he was going to be my last child. Plus I found out, while 29 weeks pregnant, I have Acute Myeloid Leukemia.

The thought of having another child was so far out of my mind when I heard the words "you have cancer."

There was so much more to focus on. We needed to get Bex out safely and I needed to start chemo asap.

I just kept thinking if I got through all of this cancer stuff, and then tried to have another baby, would it spark it back up? Theoretically, or medically, probably not. But that's what I'd be thinking in my mind if I ever got knocked up post-cancer.

I pretty much wanted to steer clear of having another baby after this pregnancy was a whirlwind.

BUT the second my doctor said I'd most likely be sterile (his words, not mine), I wanted another baby right then and there. I almost threw Klay on the ground and told him we needed to get started STAT.

I guess it's like a childhood-parent relationship, where your parent tells you that you can't have something so you only want it more.

That's where I am.
I want another baby.

It sounds so selfish. I just had a healthy baby boy born 10 weeks early with no serious issues, and I'm so thankful for that. I love that little boy so much. But seeing his sweet face and holding him makes me want to cherish every second, every ounce of this little precious person. I don't want to miss anything. I want to be with him, but it makes me sad he's growing up so fast. I feel like he is anyway.

He was so tiny.
And now I feel like he's huge.

And he's already so smart. I mean look at him!

I mean that's a good thing--a really good thing--he's growing up to be a strong boy. Buuuuutttttt, I literally had to fight back the tears when he went up to size 1 diapers last week. I can't believe he's already in 1's. I just stared at his tiny newborn diapers in sadness. They are so small. I can't believe he's growing so fast.

And on top of all of this crazy baby-wanting hormone crap, Brody is turning 3 this week--3! How did that happen? I can't believe it. Time flies.

I'm so thankful for my healthy kids. I truly am. It just seems selfish for me to want to have another baby when I already have two healthy, happy children.

I guess it just saddens me that this will--quite possibly--be the end of the "baby stage" once Beckham gets older. I'm sure every mother experiences that sadness of knowing that you won't witness seeing another one of your children take its first breath in the delivery room, or see their first baby grin.

Believe me, I know that I will have lots of new experiences with the boys as they get older. I will cheer for them at their first ball game, kiss them and tell them to have a good day on their first day of school, watch their faces light up when they see the ocean for the first time, and so much more.

I'm excited for those things.

But every time I see a pregnant lady, I just want to be THAT pregnant lady again. Experience the joys of going to the hospital, the joys of seeing your child for the first time, and the joy of breastfeeding--especially because I didn't get to experience that with Bex.

It's really stupid for me to complain about things like this. There are so many people out there who aren't fortunate enough to be able to experience a baby like I have.

That's much harder than any of this that I'm going through, cancer included.
I couldn't imagine.

When I look at Bex, I cherish him and our late night feedings. I just kiss him and love on him so much. I much more calm than I was with Brody, so I kind of feel like Bro got the shitty end of the stick.

Being a first-time mom was scary and intense. I had no idea what I was doing. But with Beckham, I feel like I'm a better mom. That probably sounds terrible. I'm just so much more relaxed. I don't stress over the small stuff. I can handle it. But with Bro I was a wreck. I literally lost my mind. I went crazy. And I feel bad for Brody because of that.

But Brody still gets lots of kisses from mommy, don't worry about that. I love that little funny guy. He makes me laugh daily. He's seriously the most amazing little boy. He lights up my life.

No one ever said this parenting thing was going to be easy. I just don't know if I can let go of the not having another child again. Someone taking that away from you is the cruelest feeling in the world.

I was ready for the baby stage this second time around. I'm happy to get up for the late-night feedings and ready to change diapers. I literally jump for joy when this kid poos. I can't help it. Poo-ing excites me.

So, this can't be it, right? It can't be my last baby.

But then I think, what if this cancer thing takes a turn for the worst. I'll have left Klay with two kids (or more if we managed to have any) and that seems so unfair to him.

Stop rolling your eyes, babe. I know you are while you're reading this hunny buns. I just worry so much. I think too much. I want so badly to live this life with you and our kids. And I want to make babies with you because those kids will have the most amazing father on the planet.

And Klay, I know we are in the hospital, but the fact you went to get me cereal and milk for dinner from CVS (because I'm a crazy person) is making you look even sexier while you're laying on that bed next to me, hot stuff. I adore you.

I might try making a baby tonight. LOL... just kidding.

Seriously though, this baby sitch is weighing on my mind. Every time I see a pregnant woman walking around I just want to be her. Experience all of that again. Plus, chances are she's not finding out she has cancer while she's pregnant. So she's probably having a wonderful pregnancy. The whole leukemia thing sort of ruined the normalcy of Bex's pregnancy, obvi.

I could always adopt. There are plenty of children out there who need good homes. I've thought about that for a long long time. I would love to do that to. But I still won't get to experience being pregnant again.

I know I can't have everything I want.

This cancer has taken a lot away from me. And, I'm mad about that. It took my confidence, my hair, my eyelashes, my baby boy out of utero, time away from my children and it's most likely going to take away my ability to have another child.

On the flip side, I guess to this cancer has given me a lot of things too.

-- A reason to fight.
-- A rash.
-- A more open mind. 
-- A new card to play when I don't feel like doing something... 
            Klay: "Can you make me a sandwich?" 
            Me: "You know I would, but I have cancer so..."
-- Knowledge.
-- More faith in people.
-- Bad diarrhea. 
-- No need to shave the lady parts any more (FIST PUMP!)
-- Strength that I never knew I had.
-- Frustration
-- A drugless and natural vaginal birth (yowza!)
-- Hope
-- New friends.
-- And it has helped restore my relationship with God.

I guess I just have to play the next year or two by ear and see how I feel and look at all the possibilities of either adoption, trying to have another baby or becoming a baby-snatcher at a hospital...

I'm kidding... or am I?

Someone needs to bring me a baby to sniff, STAT!

Baby Fevered & Losing My Mind & Possibly My Uterus,

Brody's Birth Story Part 2

Read Part 1 first...

Simultaneously, my sister and Klay say, "WHAAAAT? Wow. In two hours!"

"Now I want you to push." 

WAIT, SAY WHAT NOW?

I didn't take any classes. I don't know what I'm doing. All I'm hearing in my head is Bill Cosby singing "Push 'em out, push 'em out, waaaaaay out!" I did literally think about grabbing Klay's bottom lip...(Those of you that have seen Bill Cosby Himself will understand that one. Side-note...it's hilarious).

With Bill cheering me on, and using what I'd seen in movies, I just pushed hard.

"Look at that head right there," the doctor said to Klay. Klay looks and smiles. It's 8:27 p.m.

Britney is filming, which at the time we didn't know we weren't supposed to do. Meanwhile, mom and several others wait in the lobby clueless to what's happening in the room down the hall.

Nervous and anxious, Britney is hollering about needing to call mom to come back. "Can we get mom? Hey, we got to get mom! Can we get her? Can we get her?"

In between contractions, the doctor declares that she's going to explain to me how to push. She starts rambling on, and while I'm watching her speak, I'm really focusing on Britney who's on the phone with my mom. Frankly, I was more concerned with making sure mom came down to the room rather than listening to the doctor's directions. Majority of the women in my family have had c-sections (at least mom and Brit both did), so the idea of pushing and having a vaginal birth was exciting to the Welch clan.

Turning my attention back to the doctor I said, "Could you explain it to me one more time?" My legs and body were shaking from adrenaline. My doctor complied, caressed my leg and said she wasn't explaining well--she was, I just wasn't listening. She was being nice.

Once I understood the directions, Mom arrived taking hold of the camera and still waiting for another contraction, she who has to pee really really bad asks the room, "Can I go to the restroom?"

Seriously! This woman has the bladder the size of a pea; no pun intended. Mom rushes into the bathroom that's in the delivery room. The nurses look around like "where is she going?"

Meanwhile, my doctor shines a big UFO-looking light down at the tiny bit of head you can see, puts on her gear (prepping like she's about to go to war or something) ready for my little guy to arrive.

Once everyone, including mom was situated, another contraction started. I began to push. I'm staring at Klay, who looks insanely nervous, as I'm trying to get some indication on what's going on down there; I can't feel a thing. Klay's legs and body are shaking as he hoists my left leg in the air. I've never seen him so nervous and anxious at the same time. The time we waited for was finally here; we were going to meet our sweet boy.

Now my legs are in some sort of contraction so no one is holding them.



"Push real hard, real hard," my doctor says. I'm pushing and then stop. Then go again.

I don't remember how many times I pushed, but it wasn't but probably only four times in two more waves of contractions.

At 8:37 p.m. I pushed and COPLOOOW, there he was--a dark haired 6 lbs 4 oz little boy--my Brody.

It was seriously the best moment of my life, when they placed my son in my arms for the very first time. Seeing his sweet little face, thinking he didn't look how I'd picture he would, and praising the Lord that he didn't come out looking like a six-month-old Hispanic boy (pregnancy dreams are crazy yall!).

I've seen movies and watched "A Baby Story," but since it finally happened to me and this was my first experience with my child, it was surreal and the most beautiful moment of my life.

Since I was going to try to breastfeed (read my experience with that here), we did skin-to-skin time, and once it was finally time to try, Brody latched on immediately and it was pure mommy-and-son bliss. That is by far the most precious moment I'd ever experienced--EVER. I couldn't believe how different breast feeding was than how I'd imagined it would be.

My perfect moment was soon interrupted by nausea caused by the magnesium seeping through my veins and the forever-lasting migraine. Brody who was nudey-pants peed on me, which I didn't mind at all, but then not even a moment later, I needed to hurl. So I was holding Brody with my left arm and getting sick in a bag on my right. 

When I watched my husband hold Brody for the first time, it washed away the ickiness I was feeling for a moment, which was nearly two hours after Brody was born (because they used that for only skin-on-skin bonding time). Klay was so happy to meet his son. I've never seen him more proud than when he got to hold him. He was in pure awe of our little fella.

I knew he'd be an amazing father, but seeing the way he stared at Brody in amazement only made it even more clear that he was going to be the best dad any wife or son could ask for. Our family felt complete.

Part 3 of Brody Jack's Birth story coming soon.

Brody's Birth Story Part 1

This is the story of the birth of our sweet Brody, but before I start let me tell you about some of my medical history. I've had high blood pressure my entire life, even as a kid. Both parents have it and my grandparents (I think on both sides), so it figures I'd be the one of two Welch offspring who'd get the trait. My sis was blessed with the better traits--tiny bod, tiny nose, no migraines, no headaches everyday, no hypertension and she even got the skinny genes. I'd been diagnosed with high BP at a young age (though didn't start taking meds until 2009-ish).

I was the prime candidate for pre-eclampsia. Throughout my entire pregnancy, my doctor was concerned and warned me that'd I'd most likely develop it. I was even a participant for a pre-eclampsia study that the hospital was conducting at the time. They had to draw blood every time my BP was up. But I got $25 for each poke! Ayeee!

Fast-forward to 30 weeks: I was working and we were about to move into our remodeled house so my stress was high. My doctor put me on bedrest. "You will have this baby somewhere by 37-39 weeks," she said. "It's too risky for you to go full-term."

Not only did I have weekly appointments with my doctor, but now I had to go to a specialist  (located in the same building thankfully) to get weekly sonograms to check on Brody's progress, ensure everything was developed before delivery and that if I had pre-eclampsia it wasn't affecting him. I did receive a steroid shot to help his lungs mature faster (and ensure they were fully-developed).

36 WEEKS: Doc said, "We will have this baby next Wednesday."

37 WEEKS, Tuesday, Feb. 21: I'm supposed to spend the night at the hospital to get some pill-thing inserted in my cervix which is supposed to help soften my cervix to prepare it for labor and improve my chances for a smooth induction the next morning. My doctor said I couldn't eat past lunch, and I was supposed to be at the hospital til 8 p.m.

We took the dogs to mom's house and while I'm sitting on the couch chatting I start having contractions (though they were braxton hicks). Klay and mom watched my stomach contracting. "We should probably get going," Klay said.

Klay was hungry and went through Whataburger en route to the hospital. I'm in a pissy mood because I'm starving and can't eat while the smell of french fries wafts in the air. Seriously, dude?

When we get to the hospital and they hook me up to machines, the nurse starts looking at the papers coming out like receipts assessing them closely. "You're definitely having contractions alright. But they aren't consistent, so are more likely braxton hicks," she said.

I asked them if I could eat, and they said it was fine since I wasn't going into labor. I ate some hospital food. It was the best damn burger I've ever eaten or it tasted like it anyway. I was just so hungry.

They inserted the vagina pill and repeatedly interrupted the tiny amount of sleep I was getting in the middle of the night to take my BP.

5 A.M.--I start putting on makeup before they took me off to the delivery room. I wanted to have some make up on so I didn't scare my child once he got a glimpse of me. They came in and prepped me to head downstairs.

6:30 A.M.--I now have my own room in Labor & Delivery. It's big and spacious, and this is about to get real. I start to get nervous.

7:30 A.M.--Pitocin was administered and I start having contractions. OUCH. Some visitors (Klay's dad, Susan and Nanny come in to see me).

9 A.M.--I'm given magnesium. This is to prevent me from seizing if my BP starts to rise. Side effects, include: headache, fever symptoms, vomiting, and a catheter pre-epidural, which means I felt it, plus it slows down labor. I immediately have a headache (which later develops into a migraine) and once the catheter is inserted and the nurse leaves the room, I lose it.

"I can't do this. They have to find another way to get him out. Not a c-section and not vaginal, I can't do this. I can't, I can't." I'm sobbing hysterically to Klay. It was all so real, and the catheter was so uncomfortable. On top of all of that, I'm burning up, feeling nauseous and having contractions.

2 P.M.-- The doctor comes in checks my cervix. OH MY GOD. OUUUUUUUCH! "This will be the most painful check of the day," the doctor says. She wasn't lying. It was excruciating. I was dilated to a 2.

She breaks my water with some sort of rod, through the tiny space where my cervix was opening. POP! I hear like a flood coming out. Britney and Klay who are in the room don't even notice as they talk to the doctor hounding her with questions. Despite me wanting to press further without an epidural my doctor goes ahead and orders one.

"You're in pain?" she asks.

"Yes," I reply.

"Then, why not? It will make you feel a lot better, I promise. I'll order it. There's no reason for you to be in pain and uncomfortable. That's what these drugs are for."

15 minutes later... A guy comes in and gives me a whole lot of info about the risks (which scared the hell out of me), how still I had to be, orders everyone out of the room and told me to sit up. I still have a catheter in, my legs and entire body are shaking from adrenaline, I've got the worst headache and I'm extremely nauseous.

I lean up clenching on to a pillow and he sticks the needle in my lower back, and BAM! it's done. Didn't hurt a bit. "That's it?" I say. I immediately feel relief. A few minutes later, I can't feel a thing.

6 P.M.--I'm dilated to a 4, not much progression. My doctor puts some device up my GOODS to try to measure the severity of my contractions. This device helped me somehow because I immediately had stronger contractions. And they were consistent and progressing within minutes. "I'll come back in a couple of hours, and if you're not close, we will talk about other options," the doc says.

So here I am laying in the hospital bed in pain with wet rags on my face, oxygen mask on (Brody was doing better with extra oxygen), but also with a migraine, throwing up and burning up (from the magnesium). I'm just hoping this kid would be pushing his way down and out of my body. After the painful cervix checks from the doctor, and putting devices up in places to monitor my contractions, I was ready for people to leave that part of my body alone (stop sticking things up there) and eager to push this kid out.

8:20 P.M.--My doctor checks my cervix one last time to see if there was any progress, (thankfully I couldn't feel it due to the epidural). "You should be something more," she said.

I stared up at her face trying to gauge her reaction. Please let me be at a 10, please Brody, do it for mommy! Gazing at her face, I thought I saw a glimpse of disappointment. He didn't do it, I thought.

Then very softly, she said, "Ten."

Read part 2 of Brody's Birth Story here.

 

Oh, how time flies.

I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written.

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, but I've just been an extremely busy, tired, exhausted mommy taking care of her wonderful, playful son.

If some of you are wondering why I stopped blogging, there are lots of reasons. However, to keep it simple, I'll summarize briefly.

1. Depression: Yes, it happened to me. When you hardly ever, ever leave the house and all you do is take care of your baby all day, and constantly struggle to keep things the way you like to (i.e. clean your house, cook, take care of yourself and everything else in life), it's almost bound to happen. I DID try writing a couple of blogs (some are still saved in my drafts), but they were just so negative. So, I kept them to myself. 


2. Busy: No explanation needed here. I was busy with work, my son and other things to keep up with it...


3. Tired: Sort of goes with along with the "busy" excuse, but after chasing a crawling, standing, and now walking kid around all day, I was pooped by the time Klay got home from work. It even makes me exhausted thinking about it.


4. Lazy: I got a little lazy too. I didn't quite have the motivation to keep writing. And, even when I thought about updating it, I thought I'll do it a little later. I'm sure the laziness had a lot to do with the three previous "excuses".

So, WHY NOW you ask? Well, I miss it. It was fun sharing and documenting all my experiences with Brody. They are not only his first experiences of life, but mine as a mother too. Plus, when Klay tries to talk about when Brody started doing something, or when we struggled with this or that, he normally gets the timing wrong. Let's just say I have a back-up reference for all of my arguments! =)

But besides all of that, Brody is turning the be O-N-E this month. I can't believe it. It's almost been one year since I gave birth to my handsome, little boy. I honestly don't know where the time went...

So, in honor of my return to blogging, I decided to share something personal with all of you... I'm expecting again! Can you believe it?

Ok, ok. I'm JUST KIDDING. No, seriously I am. My uterus is nice and empty, just the way I like it. I'm not ready for another kid to karate chop my bladder just yet; my bladder still hates me from the last one.

But, I had to keep you interested. =)

I did gain a new niece though. My sister's newest, Swayze Jo Clark, arrived last month! She's a beauty, and big sister Presley is so proud. It felt strange sitting at the hospital, the same hospital Brody was born, waiting for her make her debut and thinking about how that was me and Brody almost a year ago.

Ok, for now, that's all I'll mention. I imagine I'll do a "What You Missed" blog pretty soon.

Hope all is well with everyone! Stay tuned...

Sending my best wishes to all the parents out there,

Cass

PS. I'm wanting to rename my blog. I just threw this title together when I started last year. I've never liked it, and I'm ready for a change. Any suggestions?