Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Burden

Dear Emotions,

I hate you.

My soul feels like it's being drug down a slowly sinking mud pit. If I let it, it will consume me and I will be no more.

I cannot let my spirit fall in here. I will not.

I have to keep fighting and pushing and always remember that "this too shall pass."

Today, though, I emotionally couldn't hold anything in. I saw my boys, I cried. I cried when I went to the bathroom just to give me a moment alone. I cried when they left for the night. I cried in my hands when I went back to my jail cell that's keeping us apart for yet another night.

And I'm jealous. And I'm angry. And I'm hurt.

I'm jealous I'm not having a so-called "normal" life right now with my family. And I know there are people out there battling so much more than what I have on my plate before me, but it doesn't stop me from having all of these emotions.

I'm angry because I feel like I'm burdening everyone who tries to help us out while I lay in a bed fighting this disease doing nothing. I know why I'm doing it (why I'm laying here). I need our family and friends' support to get through these next few weeks, but I'm the type of person I don't like to ask for help--in fact I despise the idea.

If you want help, sure, I'll help you. But don't think for a second I'll just come and ask for help if I need it. I don't know why I'm that way. It's just who I am.

My friend Wanda said it best in a letter she wrote to "The Kidd Kraddick Morning Show." She said, "asking for help was not in Cass's DNA." Click here to listen to me on "The Kidd Kraddick Morning Show."

It's really not. I hate asking for help. I hate having to depend on people to do things I'm responsible for. I hate it all.

I know that right now in this time of need, I shouldn't hesitate for help, but I feel so much like a burden. Even burdening to Klay at times. His life wasn't supposed to go this way--married with two kids in our mid- to late-20s and with a wife who has cancer. He got the shitty end of the stick. And that's not fair.

If something happens to me, he has to start all over again.

This is my life and I should have control of it.
I should, but I don't.
My body has taken control and I'm fighting this fight to live and to gain my control back.

I just pray this transplant works. I know there will be more trying times in the future, but I just want to get the transplant done. The bummer thing about the transplant is that it's pretty uneventful they just fuse the stem cells through my trifusion line. Nothing fancy, no snazzy surgery prep, it's just like a basic blood transfusion.

Womp, womp, womp.

My emotions are just sucked dry today. Nothing is there to shine a little brighter on life today. It's like I got nothing left loaded in the gun. I'm out of ammo... nothing else is in the tank.

I just don't have much in me tonight to try to laugh and smile about anything right now. I want to be home. I want to be with my boys, my dogs and with my husband. That's all I want; and I can't have it right now.

And I feel the burden of not being able to take care of my family the way I should. I should be at home and helping them get ready for bed. I should be helping them brush their teeth and give them baths.

But instead, my eyes fill with tears blurring my vision of the computer screen, until they slide down my face--only to be followed with the multiple sobs.

My life took an unexpected turn at such an early age. I wasn't ready for it. I don't think anyone is ever ready for it.

I have cancer. I'm getting a transplant.

And all I can think to do is to apologize.

And say, I'm sorry for crying. I'm sorry I can't help you, I'm sorry I got cancer and have to ask you to watch my kids for me because they can't come up to see me. I'm sorry for being sick. I feel guilty about that.

I'd wondered what it would be like if something terrible was to happen to me and now I really know. I don't want to know any more. I don't want this anymore.

I always felt lost in the dark for most of my life. Like "that" friend that gets pushed to the side for someone cooler, better or more fun. I was never "the girl" everyone loved and everyone wanted to hang with. I was the one the girls hated and were mean to because I don't even know why. I wasn't mean or never tried to be. But I've had milkshakes thrown at my car, my face marked out in photos around the school, brownies put in my seat so I'd sit them. People who've said "Leave that gum in that chair cause Cass is coming to sit."

And all I've ever wanted is a friend--a true friend--that at the end of the day had my back. But throughout my younger years, my "friends" used and discarded me when they no longer needed me around or if it was better to follow another person or crowd. They got tired of being my friend because people were really mean to them to for being my friend.

I never understood that. I just wanted friends--real friends. So I guess in a pity-self-loathing time of my life I wondered what it would be like if something like this--life-threatening--were to happen to me, would people truly care?

I tried to imagine it. But I couldn't.

And now I'm here. It's not an imagination; it's a reality.
And gosh do I feel stupid for trying to imagine such a thing.

And it sucks for me, my boys and my husband.
And I'm sorry to you three for imagining such a life. I know it was just a thought, but it's come to fruition.

I need you boys to know that if mommy could take care of you, she would. If they would let you sleep up here with me, you'd be here by my side.

Klay, you know I have to send you home for them. My heart misses you so deeply tonight when you're not here with me. And it's nights like tonight I just need to know your near me and I immediately feel better. We don't have to talk, touch, I just need you to be.

But I know how important it is for you to get your time in with our little guys too. They need daddy-time and you need some time to rest at home, away from the cancer-chaos and your meltdown-wifey.

I'm sorry for all of the stress and work that has been thrust on your shoulders the past four months. You have stood by me every second of the way, and it's only made us stronger as a couple. I could never imagine having anyone else by my side for the rest of my life. I love you.

And that's what I am thankful for through this process--my kids, my boys, my friends and family, and the people who've commented, read, purchased t-shirts and supported me through this time.

I know I have people who care about me now. I do. More than I honestly thought did.

And thank you for doing that--supporting me. It really warms my heart and helps me get through days like this.

My brother in law Chad made this awesome video to remind me of all the support I have ready to lift me up at any time. It's a beautiful video and I love it. It's of you guys who posted photos on the day I was getting my transplant to let me know you all were thinking of me and praying for us. Thanks, Chad for putting together such a great gift that I can cherish forever.


I love all of y'all and remember to live life to the fullest.

Happy and sad,