Thursday, April 02, 2015

Rockin' Out with My Scalp Out

So, some of you may have noticed I've ditched the hats.

It could be the warmer weather that started this trend, but I'd like to say it was my likening to my giant, shiny, bald head.

Unfortunately it was most likely the hot temps we are experiencing in Texas. Needless to say, the suns is out, so the scalp is out. #needsomeSPFstat

But I will say, that I have finally threw my hands in the air with Lil Jon's "I don't give a F" attitude and accepted what is.

Accepting Cancer and the baldness with it
I'm bald.
I look different.
And I am different.

"But I don't give a damn, so you don't give a F**K," see what I did there Lil JON?

"OOOoooookkaaaaaayyyyy," I can see him respond shaking his head and dreads errrywhere.

I know. I'm dumb.
But sitting in a hospital bed 24 hours a day will kinda do that to ya. #FREECASS #FREECASS

I've just gotten to the point I can look in the mirror and recognize the girl staring back at me. I see photos of me with hair and I don't know if I'll ever be "her" again. I don't think I will ever fully be her because cancer has changed me, but I do see part of me still there.

Ironically, I'm more physically happy with myself now than I have ever been and I'm probably in the worst shape I've ever been in physically. I just honestly don't care about all of the "beauty fog" that swarms us any more. I'm "balding out" and I never wear make up any more and so what? Who cares? Maybe if I had my own team of people who wanted me to prep me for the day, I'd be game, but even then, that seems too exhausting.

I don't need to prove to anyone that I'm pretty with or without hair. I'm happily married to a handsome man and he loves me skinny, fat, bald, no eyelashes, etc. He accepts me for who I am; I just wish I could have had that same attitude about myself sooner in life.

I'm getting used to being me--without all of the extras brushed on WAR PAINT to make me look better. I'm not saying I won't go without makeup for the rest of my life; I wouldn't put the world through that...

Of course, putting some a little something, something here or there helps make anyone feel a little better. Instagram has some great filters, but they aren't that damn great.

But I think I'm more confident now leaving the house without makeup, even if it's just to go to the grocery store. I ALWAYS AND I MEAN ALWAYS had to have at least something on when I left the house. Most of the time it was the mascara that did me in. These light-colored eyelashes do nothing for my pale complexion so I usually just put on foundation, bronzer, eye shadow, (aka the whole she-bang), because of the eyelashes.

But now that I don't have any, I don't care. Not much I can do besides glue some falsies on and I have the cutting-and-gluing skill level of a pre-schooler.

This whole journey has led me through many ups and downs and places that I never thought I'd reach. But acceptance is key to anyone going through a similar journey. Accepting who you are physically, emotionally, intellectually, etc, is the key to realizing your potential and getting over the "sorry-for- yourself-hump" when faced with life's challenges. #whatdayisit #humpday

You have to accept yourself in all aspects of life to continue to thrive and not live a stagnant life. We have to keep moving forward and keep progressing, and the only way to do that is by accepting life's challenges hand-in-hand and riding out the waves of life.

We have to keep reaching, wanting and aiming higher to make this a life worth living for.

I'm doing everything I can to fight for myself and my kids. I miss them so much, and it's tearing me apart and it's only Day 4 in the hospital.

But I have to remind myself they are all I care about.

Who gives a shit if I'm bald?
Who cares if I have no hair?
Who cares if you think I'm ugly without eyelashes? Or without make up on?

I have a wonderful life with two beautiful boys and a handsome husband.
I'm fortunate beyond belief.
That's what matters.

Acute Myeloid Leukemia fighter

But today, I do just really miss them.

I know it's already Thursday, and I still have a ways to go before I get up outta here (three more days of chemo and two more weeks in this hospital bed), and to be honest I'm surprised how fast it all is moving so far (of course I typed that earlier and I feel like the day has ticked by very slowly since).

I'm sure it will really start to slow down when the chemo starts kicking in and I really feel weak, tired and sickish. I get all queasy just thinking about it.

At least by then, I SHOULD be able to get the good drugs.

Effin' peeps trying to keep me from doping up in here. I mean c'mon people, it's safe.
I'm in a hospital.
You're monitoring me...
Give me the goods.

I know I sound like a total druggie. But that's the one perk to being in the place...mmmkay? #dontstomponmyrainbow

I don't even know what that means. I just made that up. And I don't even have any drugs in me!

It'd be super entertaining for my readers and followers if I were all drugged up.

Klay could film me.
I could be thinking I'm winning a Grammy or some shit,
Or thinking I'm seeing Klay for the first time like that guy did when he got his wisdom teeth pulled and couldn't remember his wife,
Or crying because I want Beyonce to come see me. I don't even like Beyonce [no offense Bey, but I think Kanye likes you enough for everyone],
But that's not the damn point.
The point is---drugs are good.

Funny things happen when you're on drugs. Haven't you watched any movies?

Ok, I sounds like a total drug-head when I've literally never even smoked pot--LIKE EVER. I know, I'm talking the talk, but I never walked the walkie.

I honestly haven't.
I'm a total square.

Maybe when my kids graduate and I go to Amsterdam one day (shhhh! don't tell them, it will be mommy and daddy's secret), I'll toke it up, live large and be a little risqué, but right now I'm gonna stay drug free--unless it's hospital drugs.

Last night, I couldn't sleep a wink. I honestly couldn't, and I was exhausted this morning.

So effin' angry at the damn world this morning cause they won't give me the good shit. DAMN you Busulfan (chemo). Three more days and I better be back to the good drugs... poor pitiful drug-wanting Cass. All she wants is some good sleep! IS that too much to ask?

Cancer, do you see what you've done to me?

You've turned me into someone different. DRUGS!!!!! DRUGS!!!! DRUGS!!!!

RIP clean and sober, Cass.

I'm officially going to replace Dopey from the Seven Dwarves now. It's happening.

Wait, Where did this post start?

Ahh forget it.


PS. This is joke-post and I don't mean anything too seriously by it but... if you get offended, lighten up, go get stoned and then let me know how it goes.