The Writer's Struggle Is Real + Hitting A Creative Block

February is a month that I wish I could genie-wish my way out of. And I blame it mostly on Valentine’s Day, but this year I blame it 

Again, it’s one of those things that I try to stay ahead of and I spend months thinking of great ideas for Klay and the kids, and then life happens and it’s the week of and I still have NOTHING. ZIP. ZERO. Stressing out for all the wrong reasons, and I try to focus on being glad I’m home with my family, but here I am talking about my Valentine’s Day missed opportunities and it’s already March… typical.

Last Feb. 14, I was in the hospital completing my third round of chemo, so there was no romancing, wining & dining or exciting things coming my way. Unless you can do chemo and drink chardonnay—but we all know that would never be a fun party. 

The year before the YEAR OF THE CANCER, my Valentine’s idea for Klay turned into a fiasco that led me to a meltdown in the middle of a Walgreen’s parking lot. No I didn’t accidentally lock one a kid in a vehicle again. <-- that really did happen, click to read it. But my 2013 meltdown wasn’t near as serious.

The photo machine was down at Walgreens, and I spent hours uploading them the night before; I just wanted to walk in there with the photos ready and however many extra I needed cause I had places to be. But, of course, I waited till the day-of to finish the project.

My partner to finish this DIY project for Dada was my nearly two-year-old son, who clearly did not want to cooperate. All I needed was just one good photo and this is what I get...

And the year prior to that I was put on bedrest waiting for my bundle of joy to arrive—and he finally did—Feb. 22–three weeks early, for that story click here.

Now, my baby just turned 4! I honestly can’t believe it. I’m so happy he’s growing up, but it makes me so sad at the same time. I miss the times he slept on my chest and all of those baby noises he would make. I miss how he’d growl when he got mad, or make us laugh by saying and doing funny things.

He so sweet and caring, but I’m not going to pretend he has a halo over his head… because that’d be far from the truth. The past two weeks he’s been a true fournager, for sure.  He thinks he can talk back, not listen to what we have to tell him, he cries if he doesn’t get what he wants… AHHHHHHH!

All I constantly hear: 

“No. I don’t want to."

“Can I sleep in your bed?"

“I can’t go potty I’m scared."

“Don’t leave me in the kitchen by myself, I’m scared.” (I’m literally 15 feet away in the living room.

“I caaaaannnnn’t.”

Crying.

Crying.

Crying.

Oh and there is so much more.

He’s wearing me out. When something messes up or goes wrong, he talks in his “whiny” voice and starts to cry before we can even tell him how to address the problem. And we all know it’s a fake cry. I don’t remember being like that as a kid. I’m sure I probably was, and I’m sure some can vouch for that. But if I could only teach that kid patience and how to talk quietly, I’d be a much happier person.

On the other hand, Bex, it pretty good for the most part, but if GiGi or Dada are around, he loses it crying and tugging on their pants because he wants someone holding him (and it better be them, if they are around). And since all my pant are large and XL that no longer fit me (and that’s what I have to wear) one small tug and they fall to the floor. I’m just thankful that hasn’t happened around other people besides Klay.

This 124lbs thing is not really that fun. I literally have no clothes that fit. You’d think since I shop a Maurices all the time (or used to before AML) that I’d finally get a shopping gift card or something from them.  (Speaking of clothes, Klay and I cleaned out our closet and went to IKEA, so It looks so much better; post on that soon!)

Anyway, it seems sometimes that Bex cries for hours on in. But he’s a sweet, sweet chunky monster who is walking, saying some words and eating everything.

I adore all of my boys so much, they’ll never know. But I really just need a day to go shop, buy new makeup, check out some of my favorite stores and relax.

So why am I talking about Valentine’s Day after it’s OVER?

I haven't blogged like I promised I would. I've been working on my blog and I've been writing and writing, but nothing felt good enough to publish. 

February was the time third time I picked up blogging and trying to stay consistent. So this last month I realized I should feel more accomplished in my life and with this blog'''ij. I did have a huge bump in the road, but at least back then (in those V-Day posts) I could find something to write about. And sharing my stories gave me some sort of validation (like I was good at something. But I just can't think of anything I'm really good at any more. 

I won’t ever be the “Cass" before I was diagnosed. I’ve grown a lot since then. I’ve learned more about people and relationships, and who really cares when it comes down to the nitty-gritty. I’ve endured a lot of physical and emotional pain. I’ve witnessed more death since then. I witnessed a lot more of everything since then. 

I’ve just been in this hole feeling like I'm sinking. 

I want to blog and write and make people laugh; that’s all I ever wanted to do with this blog. I’m just trying to figure out how to do it all. I want to create my own business and use this blog as a marketing tool for that (don't worry I'd still keep the usual crazy posts in too). I just don’t know where to begin. 

I think I’m ready to go for it. If I fail, I fail. I’ll stand up and try something else. I can’t keep living a lifestyle where I don’t do anything for myself anymore.

And, I’ve just been down and sad. It’s hard for me to write when I'm feeling unaccomplished. I look around on Facebook and remember a life with a job and what it was like working and I feel unaccomplished. I'm lost right now. 

I can’t think straight (which could be part of my "chemo brain"), but it’s like I can’t come up with any new post ideas, ideas to sell e-products (worksheets, webinars, ecourses, ebook, which I plan to do eventually but I’m not ready to tackle that task yet), or even good ideas for physical products. 

I don’t know what I have to offer people that people might pay for. 

What are my skills? 

What am I good at? 

Those are questions that I can’t answer any more.

I'm trying to get my blog redesigned, while taking ecourses to learn more about monetizing a blog, and how to make it the change exciting for my readers. I've watched free webinars, read articles after articles, looking at different tools to use to make my productivity better. But mentally I feel like I'm not progressing.  

I need a change. I need something to do besides doctor appointments and helping take care of kids. I need turn this (my blog) into a job. I want to financially contribute to my family.

Guess I’ll stop it there. So, I guess it's goodbye to February and welcome a (hopefully) greener, more prosperous March.

If you have time, please take this survey to help me out.

Why I Decided To Blog For A Living

Life Was Put On Hold

When I moved back from Alaska, my life was put on hold. I was still working for the University of Alaska Anchorage (UAA) from afar, but it was only for another six months or so. Then, I got pregnant and my search for a job in Dallas ceased because we needed to find a house (we were living with my parents). After two years of being a stay-at-home mom, I wanted to work again. I'd worked for UAA a few more times after I had Brody, but they were temporary jobs. Then, I started looking for work and sending out resumes, and I found out I was pregnant with Bex.

My life kept getting put on hold, which meant my dreams were put on hold. I always thought I would have a job of my dreams (doing what? I don't know...), but I thought I'd get to a happy career-place. I'm a mom now, who is 28, and I haven't worked full-time since 2012ish.

So I'm ready learn and put my knowledge to use on this blog to hopefully make a profit. Here are some reasons why...

THE KIDS

Bex is on the move now, so he is the most difficult child to put a diaper on. He just flips over and starts crawling away and if I don't catch him fast enough he just pees on the floor. He's been crawling for nearly two months and he's pulling himself up in his crib and by the couch, so now I have him getting into EVERYTHING.

If I could only figure out why babies love to get into dog bowls all the time... or a solution besides having to put them up (cause then we forget to feed our poor dogs). SIGH...

Now I'm moving my decor around because he can reach breakable things and whatnot. I'm trying to "baby proof" my house.

But he is a little chunk. He loves to eat. He tries to steal whatever we're eating. He has four teeth now and more coming. His teeth bother him more than Brody's ever did.

And we are still potty training Brody. I know it sounds bad, but with me in the hospital so many times this year, he hasn't had consistency when it comes to his "training". I've been really working with him the past month. And for the most part he does good, but today was just a bad, terrible, awful. He peed his pants three times. And no to Adam Sandler in Billy Madison "it's not cool to pee your pants!"

If you don't live in Texas we are getting some major rain down here, which scares Billie. So I'm pretty sure he's pissed in a few places around the house, plus Brody peeing in his pants, and with Bex crawling around and peeing, my house smells like piss. At least, I feel like it does. Everyone is peeing everywhere. And I'm going crazy because of it.

Mentally, I need some time away from the kids to do something and have some sort of structure and routine to our daily lives.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT BESIDES CANCER CRAP

Medically I'm doing mostly OK. I've had to get several infusions because I've been low on magnesium, potassium or just need fluids in general. That means my doctor appointments are long. And I'm going mostly just once a week, but I've had to go a couple times a week depending on how my bloodwork looks. But I'm still in remission for the AML, but I could do some blog work up there due to how much time I spend up there a week.

For those of you who want to know about me medically, I'm going back on Nexavar--the oral pills that cost like $14K. The last time I was on them I got a really bad rash that just wouldn't go away.

Don't worry; the cancer didn't come back or anything, that's not why I'm going back on them. They are using the medication as maintenance. I have a bad mutation that is aggressive as hell and notorious for coming back called FLT3, and this medication targets that mutation. They want me to stay on it for a year for precautionary purposes. Doc said maybe even stay on it for two years from my transplant date which was in April depending on how I handle it. One to two years!? WTF. I hope that changes, but I'll do what the doc wants cause he knows his shit, by shit I mean leukemia.
Now tell me if this isn't crazy... Apparently, they are going to experiment with me (I'll be the first EVERRRRRRR) to try and see if we can desensitize myself from the side effects of the drug. So, for a few days I'll have to take a quarter of a pill for one day, and then start to slowly increase in the coming days.

I'm pretty nervous for that. I was actually suppose to start this weekend, but then I didn't buy a pill cutter till yesterday, and I wasn't about to try to cut pills that cost like several hundred dollars each and them break into a thousand pieces. So, I'm holding it off till next week on that.

But thinking about all this cancer stuff every week becomes exhausting and I need an outlet where I can talk about some new, regular things in my life. That doesn't mean I will stop telling my stories about how I feel about having AML and what not, I just need to talk about more things.

TURNING 28...

I recently had a birthday and turned the big 2-8! So I had a party because I thought I deserved one after all that has happened over the past year (more to come on that later). Another year older, another year to celebrate life. This also motivated in really making my job my blog--and a dream come true.

GETTING SERIOUS ABOUT BLOGGING TO MAKE MONEY

This is a really BIG DEAL for me.
I've decided to really focus on my blog and try to take it to the next level. And of course, you, my readers are big part of helping make me more successful.

I know what you're thinking, "you always say you will post more, Cass and never do."
But I'm really going to put more effort into this blog.

I'm tired of just having my weeks consist of doctor appointments and taking care of kids. I really need to do something for myself. I'm going crazy all the time at the house. And I'm not at full strength so I still need help with cleaning, cooking and the kids. I get way too tired too easy and that stresses me out. Blogging makes me happy, less anxious and I can make money from home. Plus, it's fun!

One of my favorite bloggers, Helene In Between, wrote a post the other day that spoke to me, entitled "Do You Know How To Figure Out What You're Good AT?" Go read it. It's an amazing post.

Like me, she also has a communications degree, and when she was growing up she didn't know what she wanted to "be" either. There are so many people who knew early on they dreamed of being a nurse, doctor, lawyer, accountant or engineer. I, on the other hand, had no clue what my talents were. What was I good at? What am I good at? What do I enjoy?

I knew I liked to talk. I loved to dance. I like to read. I love watching new TV shows and I adore animals. And eventually, in college, I figured out I loved to write.

And that's how Helene felt too. She never felt like she was good at any one thing until she started to blog. And she thought she had to find a niche to talk about. I was like that when I first started blogging too.

I blogged about our 17-day road trip from Alaska through Canada and down the west coast. Then, I blogged about being a first-time mom. Now, my blog seems to be more about cancer or battling acute myeloid leukemia than anything. But I know now, I don't need a niche. I'm interested in lots of different things, so I want to talk about lots of different things with my followers and make some money while I'm at it.

After six years working for various companies, Helene decided to go and blog full-time, meaning blogging is now her job--her income.

I really want to contribute monetarily to this family, so I took an "Quit Your Job to Blog" e-course designed by Helene to learn more about gaining followers, social media, seo, how to make money, etc.

And boy, oh boy, did she put some work into that course.

It's loaded with information and well worth the money. I have pages and pages of notes from her videos, plus worksheets and invaluable resources (that I never heard of until her course) to help me grow my blog, my audience and even make some money along the way.  If you're a blogger, I encourage you to take the Helene's e-course .

Don't worry guys; it's not going to change my writing in anyway. And I'll be working my butt off. Blogging is hard work; there is so much you need to do for each post so it takes a lot of time.

But I will be the same ole crazy, quirky, OMG-did-she-really-just-say-that-Cass because that's who I am. And that's how I write. I'll still tell it like it is and that's not going to ever change.

But I don't want this blog to be all about my journey battling acute myeloid leukemia. Of course if I can help someone talk by creating a cancer support group on Facebook or something, I will totally do so.

But for me, I have to talk about other topics too. The cancer stuff can be a little heavy for me at times and sometimes I just want to feel normal and forget about that part of my life.

Now, I'm asking you guys for your help.

I'd like for you to take a survey and answer a few questions for me about my blog and what keeps you coming back.

I have two surveys I'd like for you to take. They are very brief and multiple choice so it should take you no time at all, plus it would help me out greatly.

1. The first is about Demographics. I just want to gaining knowledge about My Readers/Followers. Please take this survey first.
2. The second survey is all about my posts and what you like and don't like... Please take my survey about my blog posts here.

Thanks for being so amazing you guys! And I appreciate your support as I start this venture!