The Writer's Struggle Is Real + Hitting A Creative Block

February is a month that I wish I could genie-wish my way out of. And I blame it mostly on Valentine’s Day, but this year I blame it 

Again, it’s one of those things that I try to stay ahead of and I spend months thinking of great ideas for Klay and the kids, and then life happens and it’s the week of and I still have NOTHING. ZIP. ZERO. Stressing out for all the wrong reasons, and I try to focus on being glad I’m home with my family, but here I am talking about my Valentine’s Day missed opportunities and it’s already March… typical.

Last Feb. 14, I was in the hospital completing my third round of chemo, so there was no romancing, wining & dining or exciting things coming my way. Unless you can do chemo and drink chardonnay—but we all know that would never be a fun party. 

The year before the YEAR OF THE CANCER, my Valentine’s idea for Klay turned into a fiasco that led me to a meltdown in the middle of a Walgreen’s parking lot. No I didn’t accidentally lock one a kid in a vehicle again. <-- that really did happen, click to read it. But my 2013 meltdown wasn’t near as serious.

The photo machine was down at Walgreens, and I spent hours uploading them the night before; I just wanted to walk in there with the photos ready and however many extra I needed cause I had places to be. But, of course, I waited till the day-of to finish the project.

My partner to finish this DIY project for Dada was my nearly two-year-old son, who clearly did not want to cooperate. All I needed was just one good photo and this is what I get...

And the year prior to that I was put on bedrest waiting for my bundle of joy to arrive—and he finally did—Feb. 22–three weeks early, for that story click here.

Now, my baby just turned 4! I honestly can’t believe it. I’m so happy he’s growing up, but it makes me so sad at the same time. I miss the times he slept on my chest and all of those baby noises he would make. I miss how he’d growl when he got mad, or make us laugh by saying and doing funny things.

He so sweet and caring, but I’m not going to pretend he has a halo over his head… because that’d be far from the truth. The past two weeks he’s been a true fournager, for sure.  He thinks he can talk back, not listen to what we have to tell him, he cries if he doesn’t get what he wants… AHHHHHHH!

All I constantly hear: 

“No. I don’t want to."

“Can I sleep in your bed?"

“I can’t go potty I’m scared."

“Don’t leave me in the kitchen by myself, I’m scared.” (I’m literally 15 feet away in the living room.

“I caaaaannnnn’t.”

Crying.

Crying.

Crying.

Oh and there is so much more.

He’s wearing me out. When something messes up or goes wrong, he talks in his “whiny” voice and starts to cry before we can even tell him how to address the problem. And we all know it’s a fake cry. I don’t remember being like that as a kid. I’m sure I probably was, and I’m sure some can vouch for that. But if I could only teach that kid patience and how to talk quietly, I’d be a much happier person.

On the other hand, Bex, it pretty good for the most part, but if GiGi or Dada are around, he loses it crying and tugging on their pants because he wants someone holding him (and it better be them, if they are around). And since all my pant are large and XL that no longer fit me (and that’s what I have to wear) one small tug and they fall to the floor. I’m just thankful that hasn’t happened around other people besides Klay.

This 124lbs thing is not really that fun. I literally have no clothes that fit. You’d think since I shop a Maurices all the time (or used to before AML) that I’d finally get a shopping gift card or something from them.  (Speaking of clothes, Klay and I cleaned out our closet and went to IKEA, so It looks so much better; post on that soon!)

Anyway, it seems sometimes that Bex cries for hours on in. But he’s a sweet, sweet chunky monster who is walking, saying some words and eating everything.

I adore all of my boys so much, they’ll never know. But I really just need a day to go shop, buy new makeup, check out some of my favorite stores and relax.

So why am I talking about Valentine’s Day after it’s OVER?

I haven't blogged like I promised I would. I've been working on my blog and I've been writing and writing, but nothing felt good enough to publish. 

February was the time third time I picked up blogging and trying to stay consistent. So this last month I realized I should feel more accomplished in my life and with this blog'''ij. I did have a huge bump in the road, but at least back then (in those V-Day posts) I could find something to write about. And sharing my stories gave me some sort of validation (like I was good at something. But I just can't think of anything I'm really good at any more. 

I won’t ever be the “Cass" before I was diagnosed. I’ve grown a lot since then. I’ve learned more about people and relationships, and who really cares when it comes down to the nitty-gritty. I’ve endured a lot of physical and emotional pain. I’ve witnessed more death since then. I witnessed a lot more of everything since then. 

I’ve just been in this hole feeling like I'm sinking. 

I want to blog and write and make people laugh; that’s all I ever wanted to do with this blog. I’m just trying to figure out how to do it all. I want to create my own business and use this blog as a marketing tool for that (don't worry I'd still keep the usual crazy posts in too). I just don’t know where to begin. 

I think I’m ready to go for it. If I fail, I fail. I’ll stand up and try something else. I can’t keep living a lifestyle where I don’t do anything for myself anymore.

And, I’ve just been down and sad. It’s hard for me to write when I'm feeling unaccomplished. I look around on Facebook and remember a life with a job and what it was like working and I feel unaccomplished. I'm lost right now. 

I can’t think straight (which could be part of my "chemo brain"), but it’s like I can’t come up with any new post ideas, ideas to sell e-products (worksheets, webinars, ecourses, ebook, which I plan to do eventually but I’m not ready to tackle that task yet), or even good ideas for physical products. 

I don’t know what I have to offer people that people might pay for. 

What are my skills? 

What am I good at? 

Those are questions that I can’t answer any more.

I'm trying to get my blog redesigned, while taking ecourses to learn more about monetizing a blog, and how to make it the change exciting for my readers. I've watched free webinars, read articles after articles, looking at different tools to use to make my productivity better. But mentally I feel like I'm not progressing.  

I need a change. I need something to do besides doctor appointments and helping take care of kids. I need turn this (my blog) into a job. I want to financially contribute to my family.

Guess I’ll stop it there. So, I guess it's goodbye to February and welcome a (hopefully) greener, more prosperous March.

If you have time, please take this survey to help me out.

The POST That Goes Nowhere

I have no clue what I should talk about today.

I'd like to think I'm a creative person, but there are times when "writer's block" gets the best of me and I can't think of one thoughtful or funny thing to say.

And then I start comparing my posts to my hilarious (and high-trafficking posts)... And question if I'm really cut out for the blogosphere.

I read other blogs in awe of their commitment and consistency and I'm constantly amazed at their awesomeness and how they comically convey their stories and ideas.

I only hope one day as successful and gifted as they are.

As soon as I start pounding away on the keyboard trying to write my latest post, my inner NEGATIVE NANCY voice gets all shout-y.

"This post BLOWS," she says. She reminds me of a high school softball coach that would constantly bark at me to "drop the trailer" when I ran because I was remarkably slower than a grandma in 5-inch heels. #truestory

And I continuously doubt my ability to do continue doing what I'm doing as I epically fail to think of something incredibly fascinating and remotely funny to write.

Will I ever beat the "The Color Purple" post? Ehhh I don't know if it's possible.

I guess I could talk about the time that I had a panic attack on the top of a hill in Alaska the first--and only--time I ever went skiing, which is a remarkably dumb idea for "fun"by the way. WHO THE EFF wants to go up a mountain and ski down and go BACK up and then down again? I honestly don't get it. It's so repetitive and a lot of damn work if you ask me. I KNOW, you didn't ask me, BUT, next time anyone invites me to ski, I'll happily be sitting at the bottom of the mountain drinking wine and laughing at you dumb asses who are out in the cold, tumbling down a hill as you swerve to miss the four-year old kid who is a million times better than you btw. Meanwhile, you get a face full of snow and will be sore as shit the next day and can barely walk while that lil kid is back at it again. Just sayin'. When it comes to skiing, I'll stick to the Wii version.

But snow tubing? I could dig that. Less work and you SIT and cruise down a hill. Sure it's not a workout, but at least you're not dodging people left and right on the way down.

Or I could talk about the time I walked into a pole at the mall and everyone stopped and stared. "Did she really run into a pole?" they laughed and pointed. What was I doing? Freaking walking and talking. And, clearly when I talk I don't watch where I'm going because I hit that pole like a baby stripper.

Or the time I ran over a deer head in the middle of the road in my Volkswagen Bug and started hyperventilating because I was pretty sure it totaled my car or I possibly ran over a person instead of a deer like some "I Know What You Did Last Summer" shit. Luckily neither were the case and I never had some psycho killer come stalk me after I bounced over the deer head. BUT I did almost total my car during my panic attack. #countryproblems

Alas, none of those stories seem incredibly interesting to go in-depth about today.

The thing is I've come to realize every post isn't about beating the next post or making it bigger and better. Of course, I strive to make every post amaze balls but realistically that shit is not always going to happen. I get that.

I want to grow my blog and make the content so good people come back for more like it's cheesecake.

I've learned that people choose to follow me because I have half-ass decent content--or they want to win money from a giveaway I participate in--but hey I'm cool with it. I do it too.

The more likes, follows, shares and comments on my blog makes me want to continue on this journey in the world o' blogging. So thank you for following my blog, whether it be from trying to win free money or finding me on your own or being a loyal friend of mine and following me to show your affinity for me ;)

So since this post is serving no purpose whatsoever than a place for me to vent about my writer's block/blogging idea post frustration... I figured I'd link up with Whitney over at "I Wore Yoga Pants to Work" because she's freaking the best.

Seriously. She is.

To kick off the weekend you've all been waiting for, here I am participating in "Back That Azz Up Friday," which basically means I'm sharing a song to kick off this weekend off right.

Of course, I chose one of the songs that always gets me in the mood--the dancin' mood, that is.

Happy Friday y'all!

What song(s) are you obsessed with?