The Writer's Struggle Is Real + Hitting A Creative Block

February is a month that I wish I could genie-wish my way out of. And I blame it mostly on Valentine’s Day, but this year I blame it 

Again, it’s one of those things that I try to stay ahead of and I spend months thinking of great ideas for Klay and the kids, and then life happens and it’s the week of and I still have NOTHING. ZIP. ZERO. Stressing out for all the wrong reasons, and I try to focus on being glad I’m home with my family, but here I am talking about my Valentine’s Day missed opportunities and it’s already March… typical.

Last Feb. 14, I was in the hospital completing my third round of chemo, so there was no romancing, wining & dining or exciting things coming my way. Unless you can do chemo and drink chardonnay—but we all know that would never be a fun party. 

The year before the YEAR OF THE CANCER, my Valentine’s idea for Klay turned into a fiasco that led me to a meltdown in the middle of a Walgreen’s parking lot. No I didn’t accidentally lock one a kid in a vehicle again. <-- that really did happen, click to read it. But my 2013 meltdown wasn’t near as serious.

The photo machine was down at Walgreens, and I spent hours uploading them the night before; I just wanted to walk in there with the photos ready and however many extra I needed cause I had places to be. But, of course, I waited till the day-of to finish the project.

My partner to finish this DIY project for Dada was my nearly two-year-old son, who clearly did not want to cooperate. All I needed was just one good photo and this is what I get...

And the year prior to that I was put on bedrest waiting for my bundle of joy to arrive—and he finally did—Feb. 22–three weeks early, for that story click here.

Now, my baby just turned 4! I honestly can’t believe it. I’m so happy he’s growing up, but it makes me so sad at the same time. I miss the times he slept on my chest and all of those baby noises he would make. I miss how he’d growl when he got mad, or make us laugh by saying and doing funny things.

He so sweet and caring, but I’m not going to pretend he has a halo over his head… because that’d be far from the truth. The past two weeks he’s been a true fournager, for sure.  He thinks he can talk back, not listen to what we have to tell him, he cries if he doesn’t get what he wants… AHHHHHHH!

All I constantly hear: 

“No. I don’t want to."

“Can I sleep in your bed?"

“I can’t go potty I’m scared."

“Don’t leave me in the kitchen by myself, I’m scared.” (I’m literally 15 feet away in the living room.

“I caaaaannnnn’t.”

Crying.

Crying.

Crying.

Oh and there is so much more.

He’s wearing me out. When something messes up or goes wrong, he talks in his “whiny” voice and starts to cry before we can even tell him how to address the problem. And we all know it’s a fake cry. I don’t remember being like that as a kid. I’m sure I probably was, and I’m sure some can vouch for that. But if I could only teach that kid patience and how to talk quietly, I’d be a much happier person.

On the other hand, Bex, it pretty good for the most part, but if GiGi or Dada are around, he loses it crying and tugging on their pants because he wants someone holding him (and it better be them, if they are around). And since all my pant are large and XL that no longer fit me (and that’s what I have to wear) one small tug and they fall to the floor. I’m just thankful that hasn’t happened around other people besides Klay.

This 124lbs thing is not really that fun. I literally have no clothes that fit. You’d think since I shop a Maurices all the time (or used to before AML) that I’d finally get a shopping gift card or something from them.  (Speaking of clothes, Klay and I cleaned out our closet and went to IKEA, so It looks so much better; post on that soon!)

Anyway, it seems sometimes that Bex cries for hours on in. But he’s a sweet, sweet chunky monster who is walking, saying some words and eating everything.

I adore all of my boys so much, they’ll never know. But I really just need a day to go shop, buy new makeup, check out some of my favorite stores and relax.

So why am I talking about Valentine’s Day after it’s OVER?

I haven't blogged like I promised I would. I've been working on my blog and I've been writing and writing, but nothing felt good enough to publish. 

February was the time third time I picked up blogging and trying to stay consistent. So this last month I realized I should feel more accomplished in my life and with this blog'''ij. I did have a huge bump in the road, but at least back then (in those V-Day posts) I could find something to write about. And sharing my stories gave me some sort of validation (like I was good at something. But I just can't think of anything I'm really good at any more. 

I won’t ever be the “Cass" before I was diagnosed. I’ve grown a lot since then. I’ve learned more about people and relationships, and who really cares when it comes down to the nitty-gritty. I’ve endured a lot of physical and emotional pain. I’ve witnessed more death since then. I witnessed a lot more of everything since then. 

I’ve just been in this hole feeling like I'm sinking. 

I want to blog and write and make people laugh; that’s all I ever wanted to do with this blog. I’m just trying to figure out how to do it all. I want to create my own business and use this blog as a marketing tool for that (don't worry I'd still keep the usual crazy posts in too). I just don’t know where to begin. 

I think I’m ready to go for it. If I fail, I fail. I’ll stand up and try something else. I can’t keep living a lifestyle where I don’t do anything for myself anymore.

And, I’ve just been down and sad. It’s hard for me to write when I'm feeling unaccomplished. I look around on Facebook and remember a life with a job and what it was like working and I feel unaccomplished. I'm lost right now. 

I can’t think straight (which could be part of my "chemo brain"), but it’s like I can’t come up with any new post ideas, ideas to sell e-products (worksheets, webinars, ecourses, ebook, which I plan to do eventually but I’m not ready to tackle that task yet), or even good ideas for physical products. 

I don’t know what I have to offer people that people might pay for. 

What are my skills? 

What am I good at? 

Those are questions that I can’t answer any more.

I'm trying to get my blog redesigned, while taking ecourses to learn more about monetizing a blog, and how to make it the change exciting for my readers. I've watched free webinars, read articles after articles, looking at different tools to use to make my productivity better. But mentally I feel like I'm not progressing.  

I need a change. I need something to do besides doctor appointments and helping take care of kids. I need turn this (my blog) into a job. I want to financially contribute to my family.

Guess I’ll stop it there. So, I guess it's goodbye to February and welcome a (hopefully) greener, more prosperous March.

If you have time, please take this survey to help me out.

Valentines, Schmalentines

For some reason I always dread Feb. 14. You'd think since the hubs put a ring on it six years ago, Valentine's Day would be a day to look forward to. Sure, it's a great day to shower each other with triple the affection--but to be honest--I feel like it's a waste of money.

I don't want to be one of those lame couples that say "we show each other we love them everyday." I feel like we do, more than most, but it honestly depends on the day. Some days it's more, some days it's less. But it IS every day.

Needless to say, our Valentine's Days aren't too interesting. Just a card--flowers maybe--of course a dinner date, but other than that we don't go nuts over it like we did before we were married.

I know, I know. How boring! But by the time I get in the chocolate-eating, flower-giving, stuffed-animals-that-say-I-love-you-spirit, it seems like it's a lot of hooplah over nothing. And those things get tossed in the can, before the next trash day anyway. OK, maybe not that fast...

It might be this time of year when the January Blues kick in that put me in a funky, foul, pitty-party-havin'-mood. BUT this year, with some positive and proactive pep, I wanted things to be different. I really wanted to something thoughtful for Klay that are from both me and Broman.

So, what better to do than take photos of Brody? It's been a hot minute since we had a professional photo shoot. This time though, I wasn't going to hire some hot photog to get the job done. I'd do it myself; makes it more personal, right? All we need was a few good photos of Brody, and maybe, if we're lucky I'll jump in a for a couple, print them up and BAM! instant gift solution and low-cost.

WRONG. This turned out to be a mess and it all started with me being sick and a misunderstanding with my mom.

I bought a few props from Hobby Lobby to stage a set for Brody. With his V-day "Ladies Man" tee and an old jacket that matched, the shoot was pretty much ready. Except, Mom had somehow mixed my V-day goodies with some of Brody's birthday party stuff (that she took home with her after a day of shopping) and now, I'm without props, I feel like poo and my photos were put on hold.

Countdown to a mommy meltdown, BEGINS...

Eventually mom ended up making it out to my house on the 13th to bring the props and take a few snapshots of me with the kid.

(Countdown to a mommy meltdown, phase 2) Once we were all ready, I decided to try to take some photos inside. Bad option. The hearts wouldn't stick to the wall. And, when they would stick my child would rip them off the wall and throw them down. Good times.

Due to bad lighting and a 2 year old's bad attitude, we decided to move this V-day fun outside.

(Countdown to a mommy meltdown, phase 3): This kid was not having it. By this time we were on meltdown #23:

When your kid doesn't want to smile for a pic, what do you do? Resort to deceitful tactics; you lie or you bribe. "Do you want a candy cane? OK, then smile for Mama." It would have been a lie, but leave it to GiGi to make me follow through on what I say. BUT....

Candy canes saved the day. I got a few good snapshots of a somewhat happy kid.

(Countdown to a mommy meltdown, phase 4): You know when you feel like you look pretty good, then someone takes a photo of you and you're like "I look like crap." Yeah, it was one of those days. Plus, my kid wouldn't cooperate. He didn't want to take pics with me, much less get photographed kissing mama.

I went inside and applied (much-needed) more make up to finish up our photo sesh. This is much better...

(Countdown to a mommy meltdown, phase 5): When I tried to wrap things up with Brody, I forgot I didn't get any photos with his jacket off, so we went back inside and attempted one last time. Someone wanted his jacket on. Meltdown #30.

This was the last meltdown I could deal with before I broke down myself. Later that night, I uploaded the photos to Walgreens in town thinking I would pick them up the next day while running errands to pick up last-minute items for a baby shower I was hosting on the 15th.

(Countdown to a mommy meltdown, phase 6): Next morning (Feb. 14), I go to Walgreens feeling worse than the day before with a cranky kiddo. I was debating on whether or not to go back to the doctor for the third time in two weeks, but I hated to take Brody into a sickly place when he was still on the mend from the week before. When I walked in to Walgreens to pick up my photos, I found someone working on the BROKEN machine.

No, my photos hadn't been printed.

And, no, they wouldn't have it fixed any time soon.

No, they couldn't transfer my photo order to another store.

SOL, lady. So much for your V-day. No wonder I hate this holiday.

Needless to say, I walked out crying and called my mom.

I eventually calmed down, got some food, downloaded the Walgreens app and figured out I could send my already uploaded photos to another Walgreens nearby.

I went to Walmart to pick up a few things, meanwhile Klay comes and scoops up Brody for me so I can finish my errands. He even takes some of my other to-do's off my list so I can focus on my Valentine's gift for him; I love that man.

I finally get to Walgreens and pick up my order only to find they have lines on them. They'd ran them through three times, and when I complained they did it again, but they didn't improve much. I did get them for half off. Pretty much the only pro of this whole story.

By the time all my errands were done, it was 6 o'clock and Klay was already home. We were going to be home with the kid, so no romantic time for this couple.

I had to send him outside to decorate his gift. But when I walked in I was welcomed with flowers, cards and apple pie and ice cream from my two men.

Klay bought apple pie and ice cream to remind me of our favorite day from our 17-day trek home from Alaska in 2011. We were in Gold Beach, Oregon at a small restaurant eating the most incredible homemade apple pie with ice cream looking out at seals who sat on the dock just outside our window. It reminded me of a better, less stressful day. He did good.

Maybe Valentine's Day isn't so bad. Ah, who am I kidding? It still sucks...

Until next year,