Real Talk

So I wrote this in April, I think. I'm in a better place now, but I was pretty down then. 

I'm not usually a depressing person. At least I'd like to think I'm not. But lately I've been in a funk.

 

I don't know if it was this longer winter that we've seemed to have in Texas (I know my Alaskan friends are rolling their eyes about now), but I've been down, sad and unable to snap out of it.

What the HELL is she talking about? Long winter? She lived in Alaska... 

It's true. I lived in Alaska where its notorious for its long winters and mother nature's cruel sense of humor. Around this time of year, the snow would begin to melt and you could finally see the grass (or what's left of it) make it's appearance for the first time in months. But then mother nature would shift gears in a "GOTCHA! mode" and it would snow like 12 inches the next day. As a matter of fact, it happened on April 28, 2008 (I remember because I recorded it) and it pissed me the EFF off.

And it would do this on and off again and again the entire month of April creating a dirty, muddy slush until it finally melts that final time, ending Winter and skipping into Spring (normally around the beginning of May).

Having experienced such frustration, I guess I can't necessarily blame my mood on the weather because Texas winters are less harsh, obvi.

So I'll be up front, wo-MAN up and admit it.

I'm probably depressed.

And I hate admitting that. Actually I don't know many people who do, and if they do, share it with people online. But, it's a real life problem.

Realizing that I'm not where I want to be in life has been a difficult truth to swallow. And staying at the house everyday doesn't always have the greatest perks. It just isn't cutting it like it used to, not that it really ever did. (Here's more about my life as a stay at home mom and the choice to return to life as a career-woman).

This time last year, I'd lost 20 lbs from running and taking Brody to the park every day. But the weather has been up and down, cold and dry, wet and muggy, it just hasn't been "spring-y" enough to get outside and get at it.

There is a stigma that goes along with that word--depression. And, that's why I think it's so hard for people to admit.

It's tough. There were days earlier this year where Klay would come home and I would just bawl. It's hard to think that I am jobless, and could remain jobless because my PR connections lack in Dallas. That's the whole problem with getting a degree in another state--especially one that is 4000 miles away.

Here I am with a bachelor's degree and six years of PR experience and I can't get a job. That can take its toll on you after a while.

Beyond that it's almost summer-time now, which means swimming, shorts, tank tops and lots of pool parties and what not. And, I am not a skinny gal; not any more. I was in high school, like size two skinny, but those years are long gone.

And you know all of that weight I lost last year? Pretty sure I gained it back. FML.

Despite all of these crappy, sulky, feeling-like-shit emotions, I am starting to feel some of my happiness return. Hallelujah!

Last Tuesday was the most amazing day. And it was all because of my boys.

They didn't surprise me with anything. I didn't get a huge bouquet of flowers or a singing telegram at the door.

It was a normal day.

Bro and I stayed home and relaxed. We just played all day. He played planes and cars in the living room and then we sang songs together.

It was calm and quiet and blissful.

Klay came home and by then I had a headache (which is nothing out of the ordinary for me), so he cooked dinner. But he's literally been the cook pretty much for the past few months because I just can't get motivated to stand over a stove after playing, changing diapers (he's not potty trained yet... another post for another day), and being frustrated in attempt to discipline the kid and/or the dogs.

I'm just exhausted.

So Klay made dinner and we ate, talked and danced in the kitchen with Brody. We do this a lot, but it's been a week or two since the last time we had a kitchen-dancing sesh.

Brody was having the time of his life and I enjoyed watching Klay and Brody dance and laugh. I've never seen a man so happy and in love with a kid. He loves Brody so much it makes my heart swell.

Then Klay started talking about our trip home from Alaska. I know, I know. We talk about this a lot, but only because it was a once in a lifetime experience that we hope we will get to do again one day.

I mean traveling for 17-days and going where ever we wanted to go and creating our own route as we went with no time constraints was absolutely incredible.

We experienced how beautiful life is beyond Texas state-lines, and it made us wonder if moving home was right for us. The world is a beautiful place and we were finally able to see some of it. 

Anyway, Klay said the sweetest thing.

"If something ever happened to us and we separated, I couldn't go more than a few seconds without thinking about you. We have too many memories together."

Ya'll, my husband is sexy and sweet but he doesn't spew out sweet lines like this very often. 

"Well yeah babe, our lives have been tied together for 10 years. And, we experienced so much after high school on our own when we lived in Alaska," I said.

And that got me thinking...

Even though, my life might not be where I want it to be, I am happy about one thing--my boys.

They make my world so much better.

Here I am now a month later writing...

They do make my world much better and, my spirits have lifted a lot. I've been a much more pleasant person to be around the last month or so.

Maybe it's the weather... but I'm happier.

Despite the fact that I'm still jobless (which still sucks), I have made dinner more lately (which Klay appreciates) and I'm trying to get back on track with exercising. I'm so physically unhappy with myself, it's difficult to walk by a mirror.

Plus, I don't want to have to wear capris all summer long, though I probably will anyway. I don't like to show these THUNDAH THIGHS.

I will say the one thing that has really lifted my spirits is this blog and all of you who read.

Thank you.

I'm finally starting to feel like I'm good at something again.

I really cherish every click, every like, every share and every comment.

I had an amazing day the other day, when two of my favorite bloggers (Helene and Sarah) commented on my post and had record views thanks to Holly's blog too (which is craze amaze; she's one of my faves too!) and comments from more people stopping to say 'hi'.

So I just wanted to thank all of you!

Thank you for helping me try to grow my blog and taking interest in me and what I have to say.

I hope I can brighten your day like you all have done mine!

You guys rock!

Best,

The Mommy-Job Struggle

Being a stay-at-home mom doesn't involve a life of eating Bonbons and watching soaps on TV. I wish I could say it was, but it's hard work and there are many days I go a little batshit crazy.

Don't get me wrong... I love my boy and I'm fortunate to have had the opportunity to stay at home with him in the first few years of his life.

BUT, now I need some time for me. Whether it's working or blogging, I need time alone too. I spend most of my days in the house cleaning, washing clothes and taking care of my baby boy.

Between the tantrums, the laughter and the "mama, mama, mama's" that replay like a broken record, by day's end I'm tired, frustrated and ready for a break and a beer. I never treat myself to one these days... And that's probably what I need: a night to let loose and relax. #girlsnightout

The thing is... I miss Brody when he's gone. I sometimes can't enjoy my time because I'm thinking about him. I mean who wouldn't miss this sweet face?

But I am ready for a change. I need to work (snap!) or do something else. It's good for me to exercise this brain of mine because I feel like I'm losing brain cells. With a few of my recent posts ("Locked Out" or "Not So Happy Friday"), I'm sure some of you would probably agree.

I'm desperate for some time AWAY from the house, so I'm on the job hunt.

The thing that stresses me out though is applying to jobs and then thinking about what follows--putting Brody in daycare. I know... Cass, people do it everyday. I get it. I know Brody could definitely use some 2-year-old-peer interaction. But I feel like I'm NEVER going to get a J-O-B. To be honest, I'm probably not going about the job search the right way. Let's just say it's due to....ehhhh multiple things.

Let me back track a bit to explain what life has been like since we came back from Alaska.

After our amazing 17-day-cross-country road trip from Alaska to Texas, we realized how much we want to travel and see the world.

One of our biggest regrets is Klay getting out of the Air Force. I wouldn't necessarily say it's a "regret" but in hindsight we would have tried to hang on another few years. The benefits, especially longterm, don't compare to anything else and we're really trying to look at the big picture, instead of just five years down the road.

So we got serious. We developed a plan, a good plan... or so we thought.

Klay was going to join the Air Force again. Yes, it can be done if the timing is right post-service (meaning you can only be out of Active Duty so many years to be reenlisted). BUT things went south after the government shutdown caused the 'prior service' program to be put on hold last year.

Around the same time, I turned down a job opportunity to go back to Alaska and work permanently. It would have been nice and we were really going to do it, but when it came down to the cost of moving and crunching the numbers, it just wasn't the right time.

Now I'm stuck in a limbo between mommy-life and having a career. And, I'm not sure if I'll ever find a job.

I'm trying to stay positive. I really really am, but it's hard.

I'm normally a positive, giddy gal radiating with confidence, but these days I find myself being more of a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer, especially when it comes to the job sitch.

I need to figure out something to do. I love to write. I love to blog. I love making things. There are a lot of things I love to do...

I'm just not where I thought I would be (career-wise) in my life.

And I hate admitting that.

I just want to feel like I'm doing something... anything. I've even thought about getting a part-time job somewhere, just be doing something or to get me out of the house a few days a week.

That's why this blog is good for me. I have some dedicated readers out there that are interested in the the chaos that I call 'my life'! And thank you to those who are reading. This is really what I look forward to doing and it makes me happy people are reading.

I'm going to try to focus on the blog and staying consistent for now, which is like a job. It takes a lot of work and time, but I enjoy it. Hopefully you guys do too!

I just stress about everything. And, I mean everything--the house, my kid, our future, my career, the chipped paint on the walls... everything.

In fact, it'd be a lot shorter list to name the things I don't stress about... ... ... ... ... ... wait, is there anything?

I've just been a real basket case lately... I need a vacay ASAP.

Posted by Mama Laughlin's IG

Hopefully, I'll find something soon (keeping my fingers crossed).

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a long, long time. I've debated on posting because I don't like admitting things that make me insecure.

But I saw something Mama Laughlin posted on Instagram today today that encouraged me to talk about the things I know aren't perfect in my life...and lay it all out there. (Mama Laughlin is amazing, hilarious blogger I follow, and you should follow her too.)

So, instead of posting a BS-story that doesn't get down to the biscuits and gravy of my life (I totally just made that up), I figured I'd post how I really feel about the job situation.

It sucks.

I am losing confidence in myself and my ability to do a job.

I know I can, but the jobs I want, I can't seem to get my foot in the door.

I feel discouraged a lot lately, but I AM going to continue to try and push myself to figure out what's right for my future.

Whether it's a job at a company, writing this blog (and hopefully grow my audience), or start my own business... I don't know. Only time will tell.

But something has to change soon--that I know.

Wishing all of you great success in all endeavors that lie ahead of you,